Of Godly Bunnies and Godly Hats
by Bezo and Yezo
Summary: While aboard the Hilde Garde 3, the group happens upon two new teammates. But the strategy guide says nothing of them! Will they prove useful, or just sorta get in the way? Read on!
1. Send In the Clowns

Of Godly Bunnies and Godly Hats  
  
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By Bezo the Blue Priest and Yezo the Yellow Priest  
  
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Disclaimer: We are...erm, own Avatar and Avatara. Everyone else is owned by Squaresoft...or something like that.  
  
Author's Notes: Now, we are aware that this is a premise that has been done several times, sometimes with great success, and sometimes with...anyway, we wanted to try our hand at it. We are, admittedly, quite insane, as you will quickly be able to tell, and we are aware that our characterization was, at times, abandoned in favour of the cheap joke.  
  
Oh, and just so everyone knows, our reference to Steiner as Captain Obvious has nothing to do with the Captain Obvious in our other story, Crap! The Attack of Captain Obvious! but we strongly recommend you read and review it anyway. Hint hint. :o)  
  
Oh, yes. And, as always, you can flame Bezo at flamingpitsofhell@yahoo.com, and Yezo at the_pyre42@hotmail.com.  
  
And now, oooooooooooooooooooooooooooon with the show!  
  
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It was an ordinary day. That is, until something out of the ordinary happened. Then the ordinary was very annoyed, because it didn't like things coming out of it. The custodians were annoyed, too, because the thing that came out of the ordinary made quite a mess on the carpet, which, of course, they had to clean up. The thing out of the ordinary, however, was unfazed; it was used to things like this, being out of the ordinary as it was.  
None of this has anything to do with our grand tale of action, drama, romance, and silly hats.  
  
Where does our tale begin, you ask? Why, in an airship in a world not unlike a fantasy. The very last one, of course. Well, more like the ninth "last one", actually. There had been eight "last one" before this, and people were beginning to wonder if this would ever end. Strangely enough, though, none of the people of this world remembered the last eight last fantasies. Final fantasies, as it were. Anyway, on to the airship – which is exactly where our oddly named visitors entered this fantasy world.  
   "Ooh," the young man groaned, rubbing his head painfully. "That frickin' hurt! Need Advil…or Recovery…"  
   "Nat!" a young woman admonished from atop the young man, where she had coincidentally landed, much to their mutual delight. "Everyone knows that it isn't called "Recovery" in this world!"  
   "In this world?" Nat repeated. "What the Sam Hell are you gabbin' about, woman?"  
The young woman cleared her throat. 

   "Uh…characterization, love."  
   "Jaci, I'm not in a story! This is real life, okay? There is no 'out of character'. If I do it, it's in character, okay?"  
   "Yeah," Jaci said slowly, staring at something behind Nat. "Of course, floating signs saying "Enter Your Name, Please" appear all over the place in the real world."  
   "It could just be a guest book, Jaci," Nat replied pettishly.  
   "Rrrrrrright…and I suppose that's why there are little pictures of us that look like anime characters…hey, why did they give me all that hair…and cat ears? And…hey! I gots a tail! I always wanted to be a cat-girl!"  
Nat sighed. 

   "You know that tail is just gonna get in the way of our sex life." Then he frowned. "Heeeey! Look at me! They made me all fat!" He stuck his lower lip out as far as it could humanly possibly go, and his eyes teared up adorably. "Oh, yeah. I am…tee-hee! But my hair still looks really girly."  
   "This must be a Final Fantasy game! No one has girlier hair than the guys in the Final Fantasy games! Well, maybe the girls," Jaci admitted.  
   "Cool!" Nat exclaimed. "I hope it's 10! I totally kicked 10's ass!" He flexed his muscles and tried to look imposing. 

Jaci sighed, sweatdropped, and patted the young man on the shoulder.  
   "Dear, how many times do we have to discuss this? Your prowess at video games, however impressive, does not make you more of a man."  
   "Nope!" he replied cheerfully. "Cheeseburgers make me more of a man!" He patted his stomach lovingly. Jaci sweatdropped for the second time in ten seconds, but certainly not the last.  
   "What is going on?!" a loud male voice shouted. "Who are you interlopers, and what are you doing on this airship?! This is OUR Blue Narciss! Get off!" He punctuated each word with a jump, his armour clanking together most humorously as he did so.  
   "Hee!" Jaci chirped. "It's Steiner! He's all funny and stuff! His armour clanks together most humorously when he jumps!"

She jumped up and down several times. Steiner glared, then began jumping up and down, his armour clanking together most humorously.  
   "Stop mocking me!" he howled. 

   "Clank clank clank," his armour intoned sadly.  
   "Oh, great," Nat muttered resentfully. "It's Captain Obvious, which means that this is IX. Why did it have to be IX? I've got VII, VIII, AND X, but noooooo, no, no, no! It's gotta be IX, the one that Jaci's always going on about. Hmmm…makes me wish I had listened…"  
   "Hey, Rusty!" a substantially younger male voice called from the doorway. "What's going – whoa! Who are they? I thought we already had our party."  
   "I am Sephiroth the Mighty!" Nat announced triumphantly. 

For the third time, Jaci sweatdropped. 

   "He's Avatar," she announced. "And I'm Avatara." 

Nat pouted.  
   "Can I be Sephiroth the Sort-Of Mighty?"  
   "No," the newly named Avatara replied flatly.  
   "Sephiroth the Slightly Imposing?"  
   "Avatar will do just fine, Nat…uh, I mean Avatar."  
   "But WHY can't I be a villain?!" he clanked.  
   "That clanking is MY gag, you interloper!" Steiner shrieked.  
   "Avatar," Avatara began, putting a hand to her head, "you can't be a villain if you want them to help us!"  
   "Can't I be one of those villains who starts out good and then becomes evil later, like…say…Sephiroth, perhaps?"  
   "For the last time, Avatar, YOU CAN'T BE FREAKIN' SEPHIROTH!!!"  
   "Yeah?!" Avatar shouted angrily. "Well, your name is Mud!"  
   "Heeeeeeey!" Avatara whined as the word "Mud" mysteriously appeared next to her picture on the 'floating digital guestbook.' "It isn't Mud! It isn't Mud at all! Heeey! I want to get rid of it! How do I get rid of iiiiiiit?!" 

Her words melted into stormy weeping as she collapsed to the ground in the cute little anime sitting pose, her tears shooting out in arcs on either side of her head, her mouth turning into a gigantic red oval…just because. Zidane heaved a long sigh, sidled over to the floating screen, and hit a grey key with a green triangle on it. "Mud" promptly disappeared. 

   "What do you want your name to be?" he called.  
   "Avatara!" she called back cheerfully, bouncing to her feet, all trace of tears gone.  
   "Really?" Zidane's brow wrinkled. "That's kinda weird, for a cat-lady."  
   "Well, what should I be? Kitty?"  
   "That's kinda too obvious…how about Mary Sue?"  
   "Uh…no? How about…Avatara?"  
Zidane shrugged. 

   "Okay. It's you who'll be confused for the whole game."  
   "Zidane?" a sweet, feminine voice called from the doorway. "Who are you and Steiner talking to?"  
   "Oh, hey, Dagger!" Zidane called back. "C'mere! We've got some people for you to meet. This is Avatar, and this is Avatara."  
   "Hello," the pretty, dark-haired young woman greeted the strangely-named couple shyly.  
   "Yo, Dagger! Whazzup?!" Avatara called, grinning.  
   "Um…I don't know…this airship?" she replied hesitantly, rather concerned at the way their new friend's tongue was hanging out.  
   "I'm gonna go get everyone else and tell them that we have some new party members. Even though the guide says we have all our party members," he finished in a resentful mutter.  
He bounced down the stairs to the lower level of the airship.  
   "Hey, guys!" his voice drifted up the stairs. "We have some new folks joining us! C'mon up to meet them!"  
Many irritated grumbles were heard as Zidane climbed back up the stairs, followed by Quina, Vivi, Amarant, Freya, and Eiko.  
   "This better be good, Zidane!" Eiko warned grumpily. "I was napping!"  
   "Yeah," Amarant agreed. "First time since I've met her she was quiet. It was a good change."  
Avatara gasped.  
   "It-it-it's the Flaming Turkey!"  
   "Uh…what?" Amarant's eyebrow raised, although, ironically, no one could see it under that mop `o hair.  
   "Flaming Turkey, will you sign my…shoe?! I would get you to sign my autograph book, but I think I dropped it…"  
Amarant shook his head, then glanced over at Zidane.  
   "Who are they?"  
   "Oh, they're our new party members that appeared mysteriously with no previous warning, and no relation whatsoever to the plot," the young blond man replied cheerfully.  
   "…Okay. Can I throw them off the ship?" He glared viciously at Avatara. "At least, her. Flaming Turkey, indeed!"  
Zidane sighed.  
   "Amarant, why has it always got to be about throwing people off the ship with you?"  
   "Isn't it obvious?" Amarant snorted.  
   "No!" Avatara broke in. "He's Obvious! Captain Obvious!" She pointed to Steiner, who was once again clanking indignantly.  
   "And I'm Sephiroth!" Avatar announced to the rest of the crew proudly.  
   "YOU ARE NOT…um, what's the rating of this story?" Avatara turned to Vivi, who, for some reason, held a large stack of paper with Script written across the front.  
   "P-P-PG-13," the small mage replied.  
   "Well, that limits my vocabulary by a bit…FUDGING SEPHIROTH!!!"  
   "Really? Just PG-13?" Zidane gazed at him curiously. "Aren't we at an R-rating yet?"  
   "Not yet," Freya said ominously. 

Amarant sighed.  
   "It's gonna be that pretty soon for gratuitous violence if someone doesn't tell me what the hell these people are doing here."  
   "Perhaps they can explain it," Freya began, before glaring at Avatar. "Preferably without bringing up this Sephiroth character."  
   "Well," Avatar began, "it's a funny story. We went to bed, then we woke up, and we were here."  
   "That's not funny," Avatara informed him, the ever-present sweatdrop once again hanging above her head.  
   "Um…e-e-e-excuse me," Vivi stammered hesitantly. "Y-you're not one of those people who seems like our friend at first, but then turns out to be the villain, are you?"  
An evil grin came over Avatar's face.  
   "I…might be."  
   "NAMAGOMI!!!" Avatara shrieked, reaching behind her head, grabbing the sweatdrop, and beating Avatar savagely with it.  
   "Painful," Avatar commented, rubbing his head gingerly, "but surprisingly refreshing."  
   "Eeeeeew," was Zidane's indispensable insight on the matter.  
   "Well-said, Zidane," commented Steiner.  
   "What's a 'namagomi,' anyway?" Eiko asked.  
   "I think it's Japanese for 'Xellos,' or something," Avatara informed the tiny summoner, ruffling her hair…and then backing away slowly as she read certain Madeen-summon-ness in the young girl's eye.  
   "Hey, Avatara! Check it out!"  
   "What's up, Avatar?"  
   "I still say that's gonna get very confusing before the game ends," Zidane reiterated. 

Avatar gazed intently at Steiner.  
   "Dude, Avatar, what's up?" Avatara asked.  
   "Look at Captain Obvious!"  
   "MY NAME IS NOT CAPTAIN OBVIOUS! I AM ALDEBERT STEINER!!!" that same disgruntled Captain howled, jumping up and down.  
   "Yeah, whatever, Captain Obvious. Anyway, he looks even more like Buzz Lightyear in person!"  
Now it was Steiner's turn to sweatdrop. Avatara's eyes filled with tears.  
   "Heeeeeey! Don't steal my gimmick!" she whined.  
   "Well, you stole mine," he shot back, arms crossed. 

Amarant glared at him.  
   "And now you're stealing my gimmick," he growled, scratching the back of his head.  
   "Heeeeey!" Zidane protested as he tripped over a loose board on the floor of the airship. "That's mine!"  
   "Zidane!" Vivi piped up reproachfully. "Now you've stolen my gimmick! That makes me so mad, I could throw something! A pinwheel, perhaps..."  
   "Dammit!" Amarant shouted. "That's two of mine!"  
   "Poor Amarant," Zidane reflected sadly, "He's always getting' the shaft."  
   "Heeeeeeey!" Kuja shouted from somewhere. "No gay jokes, or I'll kill you all!"  
Eiko, Dagger, and Freya shrugged and glanced at one another.  
   "We don't have gimmicks, ya?" they commented in unison.  
   "Is that statement, or question?" Quina asked, scratching his head with a fork. He was ruthlessly ignored by the now-bickering crew, and stormed down the stairs to the lower level of the ship.  
   "Quina don't need this," he huffed. "Quina gonna start his own Real World (tm)."  
   "I sense a running gag coming on," Sailor Erin commented with a heavy sigh, before turning back to the steering of the airship. She gave a shriek of dismay, and desperately wrenched the little steering thingy to avoid crashing into a mountain. "Lousy mountains," she muttered. "Poppin' up all over the place. I liked Gaia much better when there were only a few mountains, back in the 80's. But ever since the good job market, they've been popping up all over the place."  
   "Uh...Erin? What are you talking about?" Dagger asked hesitantly. 

Avatar nodded sympathetically.  
   "I know exactly how she feels."  
   "You'd better not know how she feels, or I'll kill you both, you bastard!!!" Avatara growled. "Rrrrrr!"  
And, for once, Avatar sweatdropped.  
   "Do you think there's something wrong with those two?" Zidane muttered aside to Steiner.  
   "Just between us," Steiner muttered back, "I do not only think; I know."  
   "This is what I know: we seriously need to land before Erin falls asleep at the little steering thingy and kills us all," Freya interjected. "This insane rambling about mountains popping up due to job market is a sign of severe sleep deprivation."  
   "And what's his excuse?" Zidane inquired, crooking his thumb towards Avatar.  
   "Him? Well, my first guess is that he's just...very...special."  
   "Hmph!" Avatar hmphed. "Avatar doesn't need this! Avatar's gonna go start his own Real World. Just Avatar and Sephiroth."

With that, the young man stormed off down the stairs. Avatara gazed about her, blinking dazedly.  
   "What about me? You bastard! You can't just leave me here with these people! Now, how will you feel if you come back and find out that the Flaming Codpiece has thrown me off the airship?"  
   "Well, calling him that isn't a good idea if you want to prevent it," Amarant said, his voice flickering with menace.  
   "Eep!"  
   "What was that, Vivi?" Zidane whirled to face the giant hat with eyes.  
   "Eep!" the small mage repeated, annoyed.  
   "Avatar!" Avatara wailed. "Please come back! I'm nothing without my strategy guide!"  
   "But I'm not a strategy guide!" the angry retort drifted up the stairs.  
   "Well, then I need my cuddles! Come back, Cuddle-Ducky!"  
   "Dude!" Avatar admonished, sprinting up the stairs. "Not in public!"  
   "Not in public, what, Cuddle-ducky?" she smirked.  
   "Not in public, Snuggle-kitty," he intoned darkly.  
   "Thank-you, Cuddle-ducky!" she chirped, beaming. 

Avatar pouted.  
   "I am not a Cuddle-Ducky! I am Mighty Sephiroth!!! The survey said so!"  
   "Actually," Avatara pointed out, sitting cross-legged on the wooden floorboards of the ship, "didn't it say that I was Sephiroth?"  
   "You!" he scoffed. "You could never be Sephiroth! You haven't got a cool big sword, or cool grey hair, or..."  
   "I've got something better!" Avatara declared. The next second, the ripping of cloth was heard, and the rest of the ship got rather more of an eyeful than they wanted.  
   "Ooh..." Avatar's eyebrows waggled. "So much for PG-13." He stared, like a moth drawn to a lightbulb. "Ah, screw it. Let's go for NC-17!"  
With that, he threw her over his shoulder and scampered down the stairs as quickly as the girl on his shoulder would let him.  
   "Ow!" she shrieked as her head connected with a doorframe.  
Vivi blinked once or twice, staring after the retreating couple.  
   "I-I-I think I was too young to see all of that," he commented sadly. He gazed askance at Eiko as she shouted out behind them,  
   "Hey! How do you work around the tail?!"  
   "It's fairly easy, actually," Dagger informed the small girl, a smug look on her face as she glanced at Zidane.  
   "Dude!" Zidane protested. "Not in public!"  
   "Alright. Let's get out of public, then."

She strode over to the young fair-haired man, grabbed his tail firmly, and dragged him off to a more secluded area of the airship.  
   "Eeeeeeeeeeek!" Quina shrieked in horror, bolting up the stairs. "Quina too young to see that!"  
   "Quina ran into Avatar and Avatara," Steiner inferred, nodding sagely.  
   "Well, thank-you, Captain Obvious," Amarant said sarcastically, crossing his arms.  
   "I AM STEINER, YOU FLAMING PICKLE!!!!!" the furious knight howled.  
   "I think we need a break," Freya commented with a sigh. "Shall we land this puppy?"  
   "It isn't a puppy!" Erin chirped, skipping past. "It's an airship!"

Freya watched her pass, then shook her head in despair.  
   "Definitely time for a break." Then she stopped and blinked. "Wait a second...if that was Erin, then who's steering the airship?"  
Dramatic music played in the background. Freya glared at the band that coincidentally floated past on a soft pink cloud.  
   "Hey, stop that! We're in trouble! No time for music!"  
Amarant raised his eyebrow at the sight of Freya shouting at a cloud.  
   "Yeah, it's time for a break, alright."

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Author's Notes: At last! Editing for the removal of stupid, annoying random symbols! Yezo, to whom this task has fallen, is terribly sorry to have left it for so long.


	2. It's a Long Way to Treno (especially if ...

"Thank the gods we made it out of there alive!" Steiner exclaimed, running from the ship and kneeling to kiss the good, solid earth repeatedly...before grimacing and spitting out a mouthful of soil. Avatar, strolling from the ship, glanced over and gave the Knight of Pluto a thumbs- up.  
  
"Yeah! Way to use the tongue! You rock, Steiner! Whoo!"  
  
"You...rock, Steiner? Whoo? What the hell kind of crappy dialogue is that?" Amarant demanded, stalking past and leaning against something, his arms crossed. This 'something,' which turned out to be Freya, was rather indignant. Until she fell over. Then they were both indignant. And rather dusty. And Avatara had a lengthy snicker at the sight. And then, of course, Avatara got a dagger thrown at her. Dagger was very annoyed by this. For once, Avatar shook his head in dismay.  
  
"This is too silly," he commented, sweatdropping. This caused Avatara to leap upon him and beat him savagely.  
  
"NAMAGOMI!!!" she howled. "MY GIMMICK!!! GIMMICK INFRINGEMENT!!! GIMMICK INFRINGEMENT!!!!!!!"  
  
"But…" Avatar began slowly, peeling himself from the ground, "won't Filia be angry that you've stolen her gimmick?"  
  
"No! I've already okayed it with Filia."  
  
"Really?"  
  
"Yeah! When we had tea together the other day."  
  
"Why didn't you tell me?"  
  
"That…" Avatara put a finger to her lips. "...Is a secret."  
  
"What's a secret?" Zidane inquired, wandering from the airship.  
  
"Ummm...that!" Avatara replied cheerfully. Zidane raised an eyebrow. "Uh...kay..." he said, having something of a Nat moment. Then he glanced about him. "I wonder where we are, anyway..."  
  
"Well, it's nearly dark, so I'd assume somewhere near Treno," Avatara said proudly. Avatar sighed.  
  
"Or, you know, it could just be late..."  
  
"Naw, she's actually right this time, believe it or not," Zidane commented, disbelief in his tone. He shrugged. "Should we head there?"  
  
"Well, we should get Erin somewhere where she can lie down. Now she's beginning to talk to tiny, imaginary mountains floating around her head," Dagger informed Zidane mournfully. Freya sighed.  
  
"Ah, sleep deprivation is a dangerous thing."  
  
"Maybe it wasn't sleep-dep. Maybe she's been eatin' the wrong kinda 'shrooms!" Avatara suggested.  
  
"Or maybe you should just shut the hell up?" Amarant suggested sweetly.  
  
"I like that one," Steiner agreed. "Now, can we just go to the tavern?"  
  
Zidane sighed heavily.  
  
"But before that, we have to teach cat-girl and Sephiroth here how to fight. After all, we don't want them to get killed by some creature on the way there."  
  
"Says you," Amarant muttered, crossing his arms and leaning against something, pausing first to be sure that, this time, it wasn't Freya. A moment later, Vivi gave an indignant yelp.  
  
"Oh, sorry, hat," Amarant smirked. Zidane shook his head, exasperated.  
  
"The point is, we gotta teach them to fight somehow."  
  
"Great, Zidane," Eiko chirped. "Have fun!"  
  
"What?!" Zidane was nonplussed by this. "Me?! Why can't Steiner do it?"  
  
"Yes, Eiko, why can't...wait a second...I don't to! Yes, Zidane should most definitely be the one to teach them to fight!"  
  
"Well...why can't Amarant do it, then?" Zidane demanded. The bounty hunter smirked menacingly.  
  
"If I do it, we won't have to worry about some monster killing them."  
  
Avatar's lower lip quivered.  
  
"I don't want the mean big-armed man to teach us!" he whimpered. "He's all mean, and his arms are all big-like! Right, Avatara?"  
  
He glanced in the direction of his similarly-named other half, and shook his head in despair at the sight of the young cat-eared psychotic bouncing around merrily, trying to snag a butterfly.  
  
"Hey! Avatara!" he shouted. "Tell dude here that we don't want the Flaming Toilet Tissue to teach us to fight!"  
  
"Huh?" Avatara stopped, tilting her head to the side confusedly. Zidane sighed.  
  
"As tempting as it is, no, we won't have Amarant ki-uh, teach them. How 'bout you, Freya?"  
  
"Hey, what have I ever done to you to deserve that?" she demanded angrily. Dropping his head to his hand in despair, Zidane heaved a long sigh.  
  
"Okay, I'll teach them."  
  
Avatar glared at the betailed young man.  
  
"I don't need you to teach me how to fight! I am Sephiroth, the Mighty!!!"  
  
"Okay, Amarant, you can teach them," Zidane announced.  
  
"Heeeeeeey!" Avatara whined. "I didn't claim to be Sephiroth! I fully admit that I suck! Please don't kill me! I'm too cute to die!" She collapsed to the ground, tear-jets once again erupting from her eyes, sending Vivi flying. Amarant smirked evilly.  
  
"Alright, you two, here's your first lesson. Attack me."  
  
"Okay!" Avatara bounced up from the ground, standing beside Avatar. "I'm going to show that I have, indeed, learned something from Zidane."  
  
"From me? What's that?" Zidane scratched his head.  
  
"FLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!" she shrieked, turning around and sprinting away, for some reason chanting "run-run-run" as she did so. Avatar shrugged.  
  
"I am not afraid of you!" he proclaimed proudly. "I will summon my mighty Sephiroth  
  
powers!" He waved his arms dramatically before him. "Masamune! Sword of Death! I call upon thee! Let the fools who stand before me be destroyed by the powers you and I possess!"  
  
"That's right," Amarant growled. "Keep digging, Pseudoroth."  
  
"Uh...sword? Masamune? Where aaaaaaaaaaare yoooooooooou? PLEASE come to me? I demand you come to me! Fools! Before me! Destroy!"  
  
"I'M the fool? He's waving his arms and calling for an imaginary sword, and I'M the fool?" Amarant chuckled incredulously. Finally realizing that the summoning of the fabled Sword of Death would get him nowhere, Avatar tried a different approach. He smiled engagingly, holding a small package out to the startled redhead.  
  
"How 'bout some dope, man?"  
  
Freya sighed, shaking her head.  
  
"Look, I know he looks like some diseased cross between a chicken and a Rasta-man, but believe me, you can't win him over with dope."  
  
In a frightening lapse of characterization, Amarant pouted.  
  
"Freya!" he said reproachfully. "I don't really look half Rasta-man, do I?"  
  
"Um..."She gazed thoughtfully for a moment. "Maybe a quarter..."  
  
This was all the distraction Avatara needed to dart back onto the scene and whisk Avatar away to freedom, safety, and a nice, secluded room in a nice, secluded inn. Dagger watched them go, eyebrow raised.  
  
"Um...should we go after them?"  
  
Zidane waggled his own eyebrows suggestively at the lovely princess.  
  
"Yeah, let's go get a room of our own."  
  
"You are such a guy!" Dagger exclaimed, shaking her head.  
  
"Yes, I am," he agreed, hitching up his belt. And now it was Dagger's turn, for the first time, to sweatdrop. Steiner shook his head.  
  
"This is no time for elaborate discussions of Zidane's gender! We must decide what to do next. Shall we head into Treno and try to meet back up with Avatar and Avatara? Or shall we go somewhere?"  
  
"I like the second one," Amarant announced, crossing his arms and – you guessed it! – leaning up against something.  
  
"But, Amarant, if we go somewhere else, we might not find them again!" Vivi protested.  
  
"What a horrible prospect," the bounty hunter commented sarcastically.  
  
"Hey!" Eiko piped up. "I liked Avatar and Avatara!"  
  
"Yes," Vivi agreed. "They provided a lot of cheap entertainment."  
  
"Right. And they'd get themselves killed in the first fight they were involved in. Especially that idiot, Avatar and his imaginary sword. At least that cat-girl thing had the sense to know when to run," Amarant declared.  
  
"Oh, and of course, running will help win a lot of battles," Freya shot back sarcastically. Amarant shrugged.  
  
"Hey, I'm just saying, it's obvious where the brains come in that pair."  
  
  
  
Meanwhile...  
  
"Hee!" Avatara chirped, batting at the brightly-coloured ball of yarn. She clapped her hands delightedly as it rolled across the room and bounced off the wall of the inn.  
  
  
  
"Why did we just cut away like that?" Zidane asked, scratching his head in confusion.  
  
"I'm not sure," Dagger replied, casting Esuna to help Zidane out of his confusion. He rolled his eyes, exasperated.  
  
"Dagger, what was that for?"  
  
"You were confused," she replied. "I was un-confusing you."  
  
"Alright, let's get to an inn," Steiner suggested. "We're all obviously tired."  
  
And so the group set off on the long walk to Treno, coincidently forgetting that they had an airship perfectly capable of eliminating such a walk, although with a pilot in no state to pilot it.  
  
  
  
Later on in a rather generic tavern in Treno…  
  
"Geez, what a walk! I don't think we've ever been in so many random fights on one two-hour walk before! And what wondrous battles they were! Monsters of every size, description, and ability! I don't know how we ever survived. It would have been amazing to see," Zidane observed, flopping into a chair in the rather generic tavern which they had happened upon, upon their arrival in Treno. Steiner nodded in agreement, motioning for the waiter.  
  
"It certainly was a harrowing journey."  
  
"Yes! Eiko and I cast so many Curagas, I don't think we have another magic point left between the two of us!" Dagger proclaimed, collapsing into the chair next to Zidane. Everyone looked strangely at her for a time.  
  
"Erm, Dagger, what are you talking about? What's a 'magic point?'" Freya finally asked, breaking a three-hour silence, causing the poor little silence to whimper painfully and scurry into the corner.  
  
"Freya!" Eiko exclaimed. "That was mean! That poor little silence!"  
  
The little purple-haired summoner scurried into the corner after the silence and cuddled it. Zidane watched her, blinking.  
  
"Maybe we should have slept before we ate," he murmured. He dropped his head to the table...and then glanced up abruptly as a pained whimper from Steiner made itself audible.  
  
"What's up, Rusty?" Zidane asked with a huge yawn.  
  
"It's them!" he groaned, pointing to a nearby table where two very familiar, very annoying presences were...uh...present.  
  
"You!" Avatar's mighty...okay, sort of mighty...okay, slightly wussy voice boomed...uh, squeaked. "I can't believe you would show your faces before us after the sound thrashing you received at the hands of the Mighty Sephiroth and the Sword of Death, Masamune!"  
  
Next to him, Avatara, predictably, sweatdropped. However, in future recollections, Avatar would not recall this. He would instead recall her clinging to his manly bicep and uttering words of adoration.  
  
"Thrashing. You mean, when you summoned that Imaginary Sword of Get-A- Life?" Zidane snickered.  
  
"The very same!" Avatar proclaimed proudly, leaping up onto a table, nearly losing his balance, then recovering and striking a dramatic pose (although warily). "I split the heavens apart with the Sword of Death and cleaved the villainous Amarant in twain!"  
  
"Uh...yeah. Split. Well, he did give me a splitting headache," Amarant conceded with a smirk.  
  
"Actually, dear-" Avatara broke in, tugging on his arm and trying to drag him from the table. She got no further. Avatar's brows drew together as he peered darkly down at her.  
  
"Silence, bicep-clinging wench!"  
  
A dangerous flash came into Avatara's eyes.  
  
"Alright, buddy, you are SO in full-on sleeping-on-the-couch mode! We ran away – or, rather, I ran away, and when I came back to get you, YOU were trying to sell 'the villainous Amarant' some dope!"  
  
"That's not how I remember it," Avatar shouted to the gathering crowd, desperately searching for support that, sadly, just was not there. "With the blade of Masamune," he howled triumphantly, "I bore down upon the treacherous bounty hunter and cleaved him from top to bottom-"  
  
"Funny, I don't feel very 'cleaved,'" Amarant muttered.  
  
"I believe that's 'cloven,'" Steiner noted.  
  
"-staining the landscape in his blood!"  
  
"Why don't I remember this?" Zidane inquired, scratching his head. With a heavy sigh, Amarant beckoned to the young blonde man, and leaned down to whisper in his ear.  
  
"BECAUSE IT DIDN'T HAPPEN!!!!!" he howled. Avatar glared down at him from his perch on the table.  
  
"Silence, corpse! Can you not rest quietly in the grave carved for you by the unrelenting blade of Masamune?!"  
  
"No," Amarant was about to say, but was cut off as Avatara, finally catching on that the 'bicep-clinging wench' remark was directed at her, stormed off angrily.  
  
"D'oh!" Avatar intoned sadly from his makeshift podium before leaping down, landing on the wooden floorboards of the tavern with a thump. "Come back, Snugglekitty! Please come back!"  
  
As she reached the door of the tavern and slammed it shut behind her, Avatar shrugged and turned back to Zidane.  
  
"Hey, can we borrow some cash for food?"  
  
"Why didn't you loot my corpse when you 'carved my grave' with your imaginary sword?" Amarant inquired, laughing in spite of himself.  
  
"Because I'm honest! I'm not a thief," Avatar replied, pointing pointedly at Zidane.  
  
"Honest?!" Steiner exclaimed. "You've spent the past ten minutes detailing your little exploits in a dream world, and you call yourself honest?!"  
  
"AND you referred to your woman as a 'bicep-clinging wench!' As a fellow woman, I am offended and spit on you!" Dagger added. "Ptooey!"  
  
"I think everyone has gone mad! Mad, I tell you!" Vivi piped up from his hiding spot beneath the table.  
  
"Hi, Vivi. Room for one more?" Eiko asked, bouncing over and sliding beneath the table.  
  
"Eeeew!" Avatar whined. "That's gross! I don't know where that spit's been!"  
  
"Oh, would you go after her already?!" Freya exclaimed. Avatar's brow wrinkled.  
  
"Eh? Who?  
  
"Your 'wench,' you idiot!" a random waiter remarked in passing. Avatar's eyes grew wide and teary.  
  
"Jaci...? Yezo...? Snuggle...kitty...? Avatara...? Babe...?"  
  
"Stop listing names and go after her!" Freya commanded, shoving him toward the door. "Good God! Some men need all the hints in the world!" she glanced over at the bemused bounty hunter with fiercely restrained longing, before letting her gaze drift back to her entrée with considerably less longing. She sighed.  
  
Avatar ran after his departed soulmate, his thoughts finally drifting away from Sephiroth and villainy to two more pressing concerns. Would he ever manage to convince his beloved to return to him, and if so, would he do it fast enough to stave off the growing hunger which threatened to engulf his very being? Avatar and Avatara; would they find food in time? 


	3. Enter the Bunny

Chapter 3  
  
  
  
"You two want supper? You work for it!" The ghastly voice-acted tavern keeper fixed Avatar and Avatara with a steely glare.  
  
"Please, kind sir," Avatar pleaded with a distinctly Colm Wilkinson- esque accent, "might we…sing for our supper?" He gazed sadly up to the sky. "God on hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh, hear my praaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayer, in my guuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuut, there is no-othing theeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeere…"  
  
"Okay, okay!" the tavern owner broke in, desperate for the madness to end. "You can sing for your supper, but for the love of the gods, sing something else! And take her up there with you!" He gestured to Avatara.  
  
"Yaay!" she chirped giddily. "Someone wants to hear me!"  
  
All the wind was, therefore, taken suddenly from her sails when the innkeeper pointed to a pole extending from the surface of the stage to the ceiling.  
  
"There's a pole for you to dance around."  
  
And once again, Avatara's sweatdrop was put to good use as a weapon, and together the young couple stalked up onto the stage, leaving behind them a very miserable and soggy innkeeper in a great deal of pain.  
  
"Oh, dear lord," Dagger murmured. "What are they up to now?"  
  
"I'm thinking of leaving before I find out," Zidane replied, burying his head in his hands.  
  
Up on stage, Avatar was preparing to address the crowd.  
  
"Ahem-hem-hem…is this thing on?"  
  
"Erm…Avatar…that's a broom," Avatara informed him.  
  
"Oh! I thought it was one of those…Japanese microphone brooms."  
  
She made an exasperated noise.  
  
"You think the Japanese invented everything."  
  
"They're very inventive people! I mean, what if you're mopping a floor, and suddenly you want to sing?"  
  
"Then you're seriously troubled," Avatara replied flatly. Then her brow furrowed as a though occurred to her. "Wait a sec…I do that all the time."  
  
"Yeah! So do I! See? When you mop a floor, you want to sing. It's a natural instinct. So what could possibly make more sense than combining a mop and a microphone?"  
  
"Oh, I don't know…" the innkeeper began, climbing to the stage. "Anything?! It's a broom, guys! You cannot mop the floor with a broom! Now will you sing already?"  
  
"Oh, fine, Mr. Party-Pooper-Innkeeper," Avatar grumbled. Then he grinned engagingly at the crowd. "This is a little ditty we wrote some time ago. We altered the lyrics slightly to suit this universe, but the message is the same. It's called 'Odin's In Your Underwear.'"  
  
Dagger blinked once or twice.  
  
"In YOUR underwear, perhaps…"  
  
Avatara pulled out her sweatdrop and brandished it menacingly before Avatar's eyes.  
  
"It is NOT called that! Odin is not in anyone's underwear. He is off in Cool Hat Land drinking tea with his cool Odin hat! The song is called 'Ifrit's In Your Underwear."  
  
"Wow…" Zidane commented lightly. "Sounds pretty hot."  
  
"And a-one, and a-two, and a-one-two-three and…IFRIT'S IN YOUR UNDERWEEEAAAAARRRR!" Avatar growled out in time to his air-guitar.  
  
"LEVIATHAN IS IN YOUR HAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIRRR!" Avatara tried to growl, with noticeably less success.  
  
"BAHAMUT IS IN YOUR STAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIRRRcase," Avatar chimed back in.  
  
"AND FLUFFY LITTLE BUNNIES ARE EVERYWHERE!!!" they both growled in unison. Avatar leapt and danced about the stage, moshing in time to his air guitar. Avatara kept time by repeatedly smacking the pole with her sweatdrop.  
  
"Second verse!" Avatar howled, leaping back to center stage.  
  
"IFRIT COMES OUT AND TRIES TO KILL THE BUNNIES…" he growled.  
  
"LEVIATHAN COMES OUT AND TRIES TO KILL THE BUNNIES…" Avatara chirped.  
  
"BAHAMUT COMES OUT AND TRIES TO KILL THE BUNNIES…" Avatar growled.  
  
"BUT THE BUNNIES………………BITE……………BACK!" they howled in unison. "Because they're…BUNNIES OF GODLY MIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT!" the two sang in ringing soprano harmony. As the sound died away, Avatara turned to Avatar, her brow wrinkled in slight consternation.  
  
"Why do you always get to do the high part?!" she demanded angrily.  
  
"Not now, Avatara!" he hissed. "We have another verse! SECOND VERSE, SAME AS THE FIRST!!!" He air-guitared for a few bars, then began growling again.  
  
"IFRIT'S IN YOUR UNDERWEEEAAAAAAAAARRR!"  
  
"LEVIATHAN IS IN YOUR HAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIRRRRR!"  
  
"BAHAMUT IS IN YOUR STAAAAAIIIIIIIIIRRRcase," Avatar ground out before growling in unison with Avatara,  
  
"AND FLUFFY LITTLE BUNNIES ARE EVERYWHERE!"  
  
"Do you think we should just buy them a meal if it will make them stop?" Freya muttered to Amarant. He shook his head.  
  
"Woman, I am pretending with all I have that I don't know them."  
  
"Probably a wise idea. Don't you agree, Zidane? Um…Zidane?"  
  
She glanced over at the young fair-haired man and sighed heavily at the sight of Zidane enthusiastically moshing as once again Avatar and Avatara harmonized in soaring soprano,  
  
"BUNNIES OF GODLY MIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT!  
  
BUNNIES OF GODLY MIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT!  
  
EIDOLONS CAN NEVER SMITE  
  
THE BUNNIES OF GODLY MIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT!!!"  
  
"I'll be back," she informed Amarant, then stalked up to the stage, hopped on, snatched the sweatdrop from behind an indignant Avatara's head, and stalked back to the table, where she proceeded to whack Zidane upside the head with it.  
  
"Oh!" Dagger exclaimed. "That looks like fun! May I try?"  
  
"Certainly." Freya handed to sweatdrop to Dagger, who proceeded to repeatedly hit Zidane with it. When, by chance, she glanced up to observe a very angry Avatara approaching, she gave a yelp and darted away.  
  
"Why is she running?" Vivi wondered aloud. "Avatara can't fight at all. She probably couldn't even bruise Dagger…"  
  
"Give me my sweatdrop back! I'm not whole without it!" the cat-girl cried mournfully.  
  
"Freya!" Dagger shrieked. "Catch!" She sent the sweatdrop hurtling through the air. Freya caught it and began to run as Avatara changed direction to come after her.  
  
Meanwhile, on stage………  
  
  
  
"I AM MIGHTY SEPHIROOOOOOOOOOOOTH!  
  
I AM MIGHTY SEPHIROOOOOOOOOOOOOOTH!  
  
I AM MIGHTY SEPHIROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOTH!  
  
AND I WILL KICK………YOUR…………ASS!!!!"  
  
  
  
"Okay," Zidane commented. "It was cool before, but now it's just…ridiculous."  
  
Steiner sighed.  
  
"And 'Ifrit's in your underwear' wasn't?"  
  
Zidane pondered this for a moment.  
  
"Well…not really."  
  
"Not really?!" Amarant gave an incredulous bark of laughter. "Were you listening to the same 'song' as the rest of us?"  
  
"I think so," Zidane replied, brows furrowed. "Did it go, 'Ifrit's in your underweeeeear! Leviathan is in your haaaaaiiiiiir-'"  
  
"Zidane! I believe he meant it as a rhetorical question!" Freya informed him as she darted by. "Dagger! Over here!"  
  
Dagger reared back and prepared to send the hapless sweatdrop sailing across the tavern, but a split second before she could, a waiter jostled her arm. The throw fell just short of reaching Freya, and instead bounced off Amarant's head and into Steiner's cup of coffee.  
  
"HAH!" Avatara shrieked in victory, leaping.  
  
"Nooooo!" howled Steiner as the cat-eared fury flew at his coffee. He desperately clutched the mug, trying to protect his precious beverage from this insane young woman. His attempt was in vain, however, and the next instant his vision exploded in a shower of coffee. When it cleared, he glanced up to see Avatara sobbing in a heap on the floor. With a heavy sigh, Vivi patted her comfortingly on the back.  
  
"What is it, Avatara?"  
  
"Oh, Vivi," she whimpered, burying her face in her hands, "my sweatdrop has melted! My poor, poor sweatdrop! It's gone! Melted away into the coffee! Melted! Melted! Oh, what a world!"  
  
"Don't worry, Avatara. Your sweatdrop had a happy life, if a short one."  
  
"Vivi's right, cat-girl!" Eiko chirped, crawling out from under the table. Freya nodded, pulling Avatara from the floor.  
  
"Yes, you must recall all the happy memories you and your sweatdrop have built together."  
  
"Yeah...all the happy times..." Avatara sat down in a nearby chair, chin resting on her hand as the flood of memories overcame her: frolicking in a flowery field, arm in arm (well, sort of...); sitting in the local malt- shop, on either side of a table, sharing a soda through twin twisty straws; paddling about a moonlit lake in a little canoe as the sweatdrop serenaded her with its little guitar...  
  
A gasp from Steiner put an end to her reverie. As final strains of 'When Somebody Loved Me' drifted away, the knight exclaimed in shock,  
  
"Mein Katze! Looken!"  
  
Making a definite mental note to later inquire as to the nature of the random German creeping into the man's vocabulary, the group stared in wonderment at the table as the puddle of coffee slowly began to move. The puddle then split into two distinct halves, one coffee, and one not. The not-coffee half gradually began to take the distinctive and familiar shape of the universal sign of slight annoyance and dismay; Avatara's sweatdrop had returned!  
  
[Insert Hallelujah Chorus, quickly becoming distorted as Quina eats the tape recorder]  
  
Up onstage, Avatar, completely oblivious to all that had happened, hummed the "yay-we-won-a-battle" music that has appeared in Fantasies before this.  
  
"Um, guys? Do you think that if we left, they'd notice?" Zidane glanced questioningly about the very embarrassed, very frightened group.  
  
"I doubt it. Avatara's distracted with cuddling that sweatdrop thing of hers, and Avatar...well, Avatar is Avatar. Race you to the door!" Freya concluded, leaping from her chair and bolting toward the exit, chanting 'run-run-run' as she went, coming to an abrupt halt and murmuring in dismay, "Oh, by the Gods, I'm beginning to act like...THEM! Someone take my life!"  
  
"Do not be worried, Freya. I am sure that this insanity is a temporary thing. Something of a 'status effect,' so to speak. But, let us all continue. Strength in numbers. Alone, the rest of us may also be overwhelmed and driven insane by Avatar and Sephiroth."  
  
"Uh...Steiner," Dagger began hesitantly, patting the knight on the shoulder as they jogged toward the door, Steiner clanking merrily as they did so, "Sephiroth doesn't exist. Sephiroth is a figment of Avatar's diseased imagination."  
  
"Like an imaginary friend," Vivi piped up, "only...stupider."  
  
"Ah! I see!" Steiner nodded as he, Zidane, Vivi, Eiko, Dagger, Quina, and Amarant left, slamming the door behind them.  
  
Avatar scowled menacingly after them as he leapt from the stage and stalked over to the table. He put his arm about Avatara, scowling even more menacingly at the closed door.  
  
"They...left. THEY LEFT! THOSE BASTARDS LEFT US BEHIND! We've been left behind! Like in that movie...oh, what was it? The one where the Rapture happened and all those people got left behind. You know...Apocalypse!"  
  
Avatara blinked, confused.  
  
"Was that the movie with all the talking vegetables?"  
  
"Yeah, that one! I had always known that vegetables were a sign of the apocalypse. The movie merely confirmed to the rest of the world that I am always right."  
  
"What?!" Avatara made a sweeping gesture of incredulity. "I hate to borrow a line from Dante, 'cause I don't wanna get sued by Silent Bob, but when have you ever been right about anything?"  
  
Avatar drew himself up proudly.  
  
"Look, dear, knowledge is power. Power is might. Might makes right. Therefore, since I am knowledgeable, I must be right."  
  
With a heavy sigh, Avatara stood and patted the young man on the shoulder.  
  
"Yes, that would work, except for one tiny little itty bitty thing..."  
  
Here, she was interrupted by the bartender, who had wandered over, grumbling about those weirdoes who had spilled coffee all over the place and then left without paying.  
  
"YOU'RE AN IDIOT!!!" he howled, wiping up the puddle of coffee and wringing the rag out into a mug before wandering away and setting the cup down before a lone man seated in a corner table. He sipped at the beverage.  
  
"Mmm..." the man commented, pleasantly surprised, "nice and strong. You've finally learned how to make coffee, you freaky-voiced bugger!"  
  
Avatara watched the man down the remainder of the steaming liquid – which, oddly enough, was pretty cold – with a raised eyebrow.  
  
"Why do I get the feeling that this can lead to nothing good? I dunno – I don't think we've seen the last of this guy."  
  
"That's because you're delusional, dear," Avatar informed her gently. Avatara crossed her arms emphatically.  
  
"Avatara doesn't need this," the young woman bit out. "Avatara's gonna go start her own Real World (tm)."  
  
With that, she stormed from the tavern in a huff that, as of lately, had gained a good deal of mileage. Avatar frowned after her.  
  
"I'll deal with you later, wench!" he called angrily, before scowling more menacingly than ever before at the closed door. "If the heroes have left, then how can I turn on them, as any good villain would? I shall hunt them down to the ends of the earth, win their trust, and then, when the moment is right, I shall turn on them and destroy them! AH-HAH-HAH-HAH- HAAAAAAH!"  
  
He stood and sauntered innocently toward the door, trying vainly to whistle and speak simultaneously.  
  
"But first, I'd better get out of here before the bartender realizes that I'm the only one left, and that we haven't paid for anything."  
  
As he left, a pair of increasingly bloodshot eyes followed him, their line of vision shaking slightly as he bounced up and down.  
  
"Yes," the man who had earlier consumed the remains of the coffee- sweatdop puddle purred. "Run away, little Avatar. Run off and find your heroes. But it will not be you who shall bring about their demise. It shall be I! Oh, wait...me. That is the grammatically correct way. Yessss...grammar is power. Uh...what was I talking about? Ugh. I'm beginning to feel very depressed. Caffeine crash rears its ugly head. But this is much worse than anything I have ever experienced. It is as though I have taken on the property of the coffee. I feel...bitter. Very, very bitter. Toward whom shall I direct this super-human bitterness? Why, toward that very same merry group of heroes who jaunted off so very merrily. What right have they to be merry when I am so depressed? None whatsoever! And for that, they must die! I shall hunt them to the ends of Gaia! Nowhere will they be safe from the wrath of...erm...I should really think of a name. A nice, snazzy super-villain name. But nothing too happy, of course. Perhaps...yes! That is it! Java Joe! No...the Esspresinator! The Cappucinator? The Koffee Killer? No, that is truly the worst one yet. Bean Man! No, that has taken over the position of the worst yet. I'll just go with Java Joe. Java Joe...learn the name well, for it is the name...OF YOUR DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!!" 


	4. You'll Hit Your Own Shadow - Amarant's R...

An All-Too-Brief Moment of Peace  
  
  
  
"Thank the gods we finally got rid of those two idiots!" Zidane said fervently.  
  
"Yeah," Amarant agreed. "And Avatar and Avatara were pretty annoying, too."  
  
"I was TALKING about Avatar and Avatara, dumbass!"  
  
Amarant sighed.  
  
"That's right. Let's just abandon any pretence of characterization. And while we're at it, I think I'll go write a ballet and get Steiner and Quina to dance in it."  
  
"Y'know, Amarant," Zidane began, scratching his head. "You've been talking a lot more since we met up with Avatar and Avatara. What happened to just crossing your arms and leaning against things?"  
  
"I'll have you know, I'm a deep and multi-faceted person, not to be summed up as a pair of crossed arms leaning up against something! Well, Amarant doesn't need this. Amarant's gonna go start his own Real World (tm). And there'll be lots of things to lean up against! And none of you will be invited! None!!! None at all!!!!!!!"  
  
With that, he stomped off with an exclamation of "hmph!"  
  
Zidane stared after him, blinking.  
  
"What did I say?" he wondered aloud. "It was just an observation."  
  
A moment later, someone else walked in.  
  
"Zidane," this mystery person said reproachfully, "what did you say to Amarant? He's in the back, crying bitterly, not to be comforted."  
  
"Uh, Freya, wearing a pair of sunglasses doesn't make you a mystery person, you know."  
  
"Hmph!" she hmphed, tossing her sunglasses off the side of the airship. "Freya doesn't need this. Freya's gonna go start her own Real World (tm)!"  
  
"Sorry, Freya, but Amarant just used that gag, and we can't have it more than once per chapter."  
  
"Fine!" she shot back. "Then I'll just go get my sunglasses and be gone."  
  
"Um...that's probably not such a good..."  
  
He was cut off as she stormed to the railing at the side of the ship and leapt off, realizing a little too late that this had probably a rather ill- thought-out plan, as getting back onto the airship from the ground might prove a rather daunting task.  
  
"...Idea," Zidane finished with a sigh. "Hey, Erin, we've gotta land the airship! Freya jumped off again!"  
  
"Again?!" the angry voice the airship's pilot called back. "Why does she keep doing that?!"  
  
"My guess is, like, a great great great grandmother who was a lemming, or something," Zidane replied with a shrug. "Of course the tendency would leap out eventually...so to speak."  
  
Erin shook her head with a sigh.  
  
"So, land here?"  
  
"Sure."  
  
  
  
At this point, we cut away from the airship, to the ground below the airship, where Java Joe stands, striking a dramatic 'evil-villain...guy' pose.  
  
"Ah! Now that I have read ahead in the script, I know that fate shall bring my enemies to meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! I, the Percolator, shall destroy you all! I know, I know, I said I was Java Joe, and learn that name well, but, well...the name has now changed, 'cause...it sucked. 'Joe' just isn't very ominous. All the other super-villains at the Guild were making fun of me. Me! The Mighty Percolator! Have you ever...?"  
  
He trailed off as a pair of sunglasses bounced off his forehead.  
  
"Ow! That was odd. Anyway, where was I? Oh, yes. Supervillains. Next time, they'll think twice before mocking the awesome combined powers of coffee and sweatdrop!  
  
Yes...although the entire group of them are my enemies, I suppose I do owe that little cat-girl something of a debt of gratitude. It was her own sweatdrop which bonded with my coffee's coffee molecules, which I then drank, thus gaining my immense super-powers!!! I'm not sure exactly what they are yet, but hey, they've gotta be impressive. For this, I shall kill her last. HAHAHAHAHAAAAA! No, no one really likes dying last...maybe first. No, that can suck too. Perhaps somewhere……………..IN THE MIDDLE!!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!"  
  
Then he sighed, a lone tear rolling down his cheek.  
  
"I can't believe they all laughed at me...those pompous asses! Even Mu- Man laughed at me! And his only super-power is insanely cute eyes! The by- product of being bitten by a radioactive Mu," he added under his breath. "Well! I showed them! I made them the worst coffee ever! And, let me tell you, they certainly didn't like being coffee!!! Hahaha! Ugh. Some horrible fate will certainly befall me for such a terrible joke, won't it?"  
  
As he said this, he glanced casually upwards.  
  
"Hmm," he mused as the small dragoon-shaped shadow overtook him, "it's raining cats and dogs today...and rats, it would seem."  
  
He continued to gaze up.  
  
"It seems to be getting closer. Nothing good can possibly come of this."  
  
Meanwhile, his brain was frantically screaming at him to move. Unfortunately, all the coffee he had been consuming cut off the subtle connection between brain and body.  
  
Thus, he stared up, quite fascinated, as Freya, who was really beginning to rethink this plan of going after her sunglasses – after all, they had only been ten gil. Was that really worth all this trouble? – quickly approached.  
  
"-OOOOOOOUUUUUUUT!!!" she finished, the first part having obviously been "LOOOOOOOOOOK." But the strange man with the even stranger hat – was that a copper coffee pot? – was completely oblivious. As such, he neither looked, nor got out, and the next moment, found himself in a good deal of pain as eighty-five pounds of rat, travelling at 9.81 meters per second, slammed feet-first into his considerably less-than-mighty forehead (and cool hat).  
  
"...Ow..." the Mighty Percolator intoned weakly, collapsing to the ground. "I...the great...Percolator, shall ever.…regret...this..."  
  
And with these words of wisdom, his soul departed from this world. Yes, the Mighty Percolator had gone to...ANOTHER DIMENSION (tm)!  
  
Freya gazed down at the unmoving heap of super-villain.  
  
"Well...that was...bad. I wonder who he was...perhaps I should give him a decent burial..."  
  
Then, noticing something on the ground, she gave an exclamation of glee.  
  
"Ooh! My sunglasses!"  
  
As she wandered off, cuddling the sunglasses, the pile of supposedly very dead super-villain began to stir. Slowly, painfully, he climbed to his feet and glared menacingly after the retreating Burmecian.  
  
"It will take more than that to slay the Mighty Percolator, you long- eared, long-tailed, pointy-hatted bitch!!!"  
  
Off in the distance, Freya stopped and turned around.  
  
"Oh, you're alright," she observed idly. "That's good."  
  
Then she continued to wander off.  
  
"You will not buy the Percolator's mercy with words of mock-compassion!"  
  
Freya sighed, turning again.  
  
"Didn't your soul leave for Another Dimension (tm)? Someone hasn't been reading the narration closely enough."  
  
"Hmph! The Percolator needs no soul! He has coffee instead! At a young age, the night before a particularly gruelling examination, the Percolator spoke the fatal words, "I would sell my soul for a good cup of coffee!" And so it was. It was the sweetest coffee I had ever tasted! Almost as though someone had put some sort of sweetening agent into it..."  
  
He sighed in blissful remembrance and longing. Freya sighed in something more akin to impatience.  
  
"Can I go now?"  
  
"Oh, you can go..." the Percolator began. "...To HELL!!!"  
  
And with that, he coiled, as if to leap. Then an odd expression crossed his face.  
  
"I...suddenly...feel very...depressed..."  
  
He gazed upwards, apparently not learning from what had transpired the last time.  
  
"Another shadow?" he groaned. "Oh, what now?"  
  
  
  
As they landed with a rather squishy thump, Zidane peered over the railing.  
  
"Oh, what now?"  
  
Amarant sauntered over to stand beside him.  
  
"You didn't land on the rat, did you?"  
  
Zidane looked aghast.  
  
"Um...well, we did land on something that kinda went 'squish...'"  
  
"I swear, Zidane," Amarant growled menacingly. "If you did, I'll throw you so far, you'll hit your own shadow! I don't know what that means, but-"  
  
Here, he was interrupted as Freya, who had seen the ship land, and decided to go back aboard to put her sunglasses someplace safe, miscalculated a proper landing place and landed, instead, on him.  
  
"Oh, good," he observed. "You're safe. Now, get off of me before I throw you so far, you hit Zidane's shadow!"  
  
"I don't even know what that means," Zidane commented, shaking his head. Amarant pouted.  
  
"Look, I'm not used to talking. You can't expect me to sound like Shakespeare, or something!"  
  
"Who's Shakespeare?" Freya asked.  
  
"Shut up!" Amarant bellowed. "And stop shaking your spear!"  
  
"Sorry." She slid the weapon back into its harness. "I just wanted to see if I could figure out what you were talking about."  
  
"I heard one of..." He shuddered, spitting the next word out as though it were some hideous poison. "...THEM talking about it. Well, her."  
  
"Riiiiiiight," Zidane drawled. "Moving right along. Shall we go outside and explore, see what the hell we landed on, anyway?"  
  
"Nah," Amarant replied. "I don't wanna see what we landed in."  
  
"Hey, guys," Erin called to the group as she approached, "I've gotta move the ship. You can all get off now if you want."  
  
"Uh...why do you have to move?"  
  
"I'm in a handicapped airship parking spot."  
  
"What, that thing?" Zidane pointed at a small object glinting in the sunlight. Erin, glancing in the direction he pointed, nodded.  
  
"That's not a handicapped parking sign. I think it's some sort of metal teapot thingie," Zidane told her. Erin shrugged.  
  
"Yeah. Anyway, you probably want to get out and explore, anyway."  
  
"Uh...not really."  
  
"Yes! Yes you do! You really, really do!"  
  
"No," Zidane mused, "I think I wanna stick around here for a bit. Y'know, get some stuff together, regroup, see what we have to do before we head to...uh...where are we supposed to be going again?"  
  
"Ipsen's Castle," Dagger informed him, walking into the room from...wherever she was before this. [Narrator walks away, whistling innocently.]  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
[Narrator runs back in.]  
  
Oh, bugger all. I forgot, the story does kind of need me to be here. Sigh. Oh, well. Uh...anyway...  
  
Hey! Watch them! Not me! Theeeeeeeeem! They're the interesting ones! I'm just a keyboard-pusher, as it were.  
  
  
  
"Uh...what just happened there?" Dagger demanded. "I was just talking, and then suddenly, everything went black!"  
  
"Sorry," Erin called from the ship's electrical room...or the FF9 equivalent thereof. "I was messing around with the fuses in attempt to make you all BUGGER OFF!!!"  
  
"Geez, Erin, why are you so anxious to get rid of us? You got a hot date or something? Zidane smirked. Erin suddenly resembled a deer staring down a Firaga.  
  
"Uh...no..." she choked out weakly, frantically shooing away the young man approaching the ship with a bouquet of flowers and a bottle of wine.  
  
  
  
Outside the ship, the flower-and-wine-bearing young man rolled his eyes.  
  
"I come all this way, and this is how I get treated? She just shoos me away!! Well, Seifer doesn't need this! Seifer's gonna start his OWN Final Fantasy!!!"  
  
And somewhere, somehow, an entirely different cast of characters in a fantasy before this, screamed out in agony.  
  
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!"  
  
  
  
"Who was that howling in pain?" Freya wondered.  
  
"I don't know," Erin replied, chin cupped in her hands as she slumped forward against the railing of the ship, watching the man's retreating backside, "but I know this: you only get one chance with Seifer [insert last name here]. And I blew it! Or rather, all of you blew it! I hate you people!"  
  
"Okay," Steiner, who had entered the room sometime during this exchange, "it is definitely time for us to leave now. After all, hell hath no fury like a woman scorned."  
  
"Yeah," Zidane agreed, nodding sagely. "I'd rather face a hundred grand dragons than her right now. FLEEE!"  
  
Erin, Dagger, Freya, and Amrant watched, blinking, as he clinked his swords together and ran away, chanting "run run run" as he went.  
  
"Oh, gods," Freya sighed. "Now it's got him...and they're not even here! What the hell?!"  
  
"Let's not even bring that up. You remember the old maxim, 'Speak of the devil, and he will appear,' do you not? Well, those two showing up again is the last thing we need now," Steiner admonished.  
  
"Alright," Dagger spoke up. "He's going to get hurt out there on his own. I'm going after him."  
  
"I think, Your Highness, that Zidane can take care of himself."  
  
A bloodcurdling scream ripped through the air.  
  
"AAAAAAAAAAAARRGH! GET IT AWAY!!!!"  
  
"Or...maybe not," Steiner amended, grimacing.  
  
"I wonder what fiendish creature is making Zidane react so," Freya mused. Then, as another howl drifted toward them, the entire group sweatdropped.  
  
"FOR THE LAST TIME, I DON'T HAVE A FREAKING DIAMOND, MEOW!!!"  
  
"Perhaps you'd best go help him out after all, Dagger," Erin said, bounding to the edge of the ship and waving frantically at the departing Seifer. 'Gods, he's slow!' she thought. "And quickly! And take everyone with you!"  
  
"No, I think that, if all of us go, our group, or 'party,' if you will, will be excessively large. Perhaps some of us had best stay," Steiner suggested.  
  
"A good idea, Steiner," Dagger agreed. "I will go, and I will take Eiko and Vivi with me. That way," she continued brightly, "all of the cute couples will be together!"  
  
"Except me and Seifer," Erin sighed. "Oh, Seifer dear..."  
  
"Hmph!" Amarant hmphed, crossing his arms.  
  
"Hmph!" Freya hmphed in an entirely different octave, crossing her arms. "I'll have you know, there are more cute couples than just you four!  
  
"Like who?" Dagger gazed back in honest bewilderment.  
  
"Well..." Freya floundered slightly. "Like...Erin and that Seifer fellow!"  
  
"Oh. Well, yes, I suppose..." Dagger edged nervously toward the door, motioning for Vivi and Eiko to do the same.  
  
"And...and Steiner and that...what's her name? The Climhazzard chick that wears those pink spandex."  
  
"You...don't remember a name like Beatrix, but you remember Climhazzard, not to mention, the colour of the woman's spandex?" Amarant noted in a tone that indicated that, if we could have seen it, his eyebrow would have been raising.  
  
By now, Dagger was nearly entirely out of the room.  
  
"Oh, never mind that!" Freya huffed. "And what about Quina and his fork? They're awfully cute, aren't they?"  
  
"Adorable," Amarant agreed dryly.  
  
"Well...uh...gotta go!"  
  
With that, a Dagger-shaped dust-cloud, with a Vivi-like shape under one arm and an Eiko-like shape under the other, slowly began to dissipate into the atmosphere.  
  
"Yeah, she and Zidane are meant to be, alright," Amarant commented with a smirk. 


	5. Hey, Odin! Your Odin-Hat Sucks!

Chapter 5: Your Odin-Hat Sucks!  
  
  
  



	6. The Pinkish Menace

Chapter 6 – The Pinkish Menace  
  
  
  
When we last left our illustrious quartet, it was in a good deal of peril. A veritable butt-load of peril, if you will. A putrid and pontificating pile of peril, perpetually percolating peacefully. But enough of this silliness.  
  
"Oh, gods," Zidane groaned, gazing mournfully at the four Grand Dragons, who had been not at all damaged by any of the battle up to this point. They might have suffered some minor toenail wear, perhaps a bit of pain there, from kicking Vivi around, but that was good for, like, two hit-points at the very most.  
  
"Psst!" Zidane pssted in Dagger's direction. "What's a hit point?"  
  
"What?" Dagger turned to face him, hands on her hips, looking perplexed. "What are you talking about, Zidane? Are you hearing voices again?"  
  
"Uh...no..." Zidane glanced about, laughing nervously before swallowing around a throat suddenly gone uncomfortably dry.  
  
"That's...good..." Dagger replied, glancing about awkwardly.  
  
"Uh, guys! L'il help?" Vivi implored as he zoomed past.  
  
"Yeah!" Avatar agreed, strolling up to the group. "Help Hatman, you heartless bastards!"  
  
"His name is Vivi!" Avatara exclaimed, offended and annoyed for some reason, smacking Avatar upside the head.  
  
"Well, I'm sorry!" Avatar returned sarcastically. "I might know who he was if a certain CAT-GIRL some of us know knew how to SHARE! But unfortunately for me and my name-recognition, she doesn't, and so I haven't PLAYED THE GAME!!"  
  
'Great!" Zidane exclaimed, pouting plaintively. "Now, not only are we being kicked repeatedly in the ass by these damn Grand Dragons, but Vivi's in dire peril, I can't get that damn word out of my mind for some reason, AND these two idiots show up again! Could life SUCK any more than this?"  
  
"Give me a diamond, meow!" a voice piped up from twenty or so yards away.  
  
And with this high-pitched request, Zidane was pushed over the edge that he had been hovering near ever since leaving the airship.  
  
"GRAGH!!!" the young man howled. "I'M MAD, NOW!!!"  
  
As he announced his tumultuous inner emotional state loudly and proudly, a menacing pinkish glow, if such a thing is possible, sprung up around the young man, enveloping his hair, his face, his pants, his tail, his weapon, and even his shoe (his other one was lying at the bottom of the cliff after he knocked over the card table, if you will recall. Continuity! Yaay! Whoo!) in its radiant cottoncandyesqueness. Pink cotton candy, naturally.  
  
"He's trancing!" Avatara announced unnecessarily, bouncing up and down giddily. "Eeeeeeee!"  
  
"Uh...he's pink," Avatar noted, much less giddily, and staying firmly on the ground the entire time.  
  
'DIE, EVERYBODY!!!!!!" Zidane howled, leaping into attack stance and preparing to let fly with the ninth attempt at a solution. "SOLUTION 9!!!"  
  
The next moment, a Gimme Cat groaned in unutterable pain as it departed for another dimension (tm), and the party suddenly found itself 5000 gil richer.  
  
"Sweet!" Avatar chirped, bouncing forward to claim the small prize. "Money!"  
  
Meanwhile, Zidane began to prepare for the grandest and by far most lethal of Grand Lethals ever known to man or genome...or summoner, hat, Qu, rat, and...uh...arm-guy. Then, abruptly, he changed his mind, dropped the mighty Sargatanas in the dust at his feet, and leapt forward. From here, he delivered an equally mighty power-flick to each of the large, increasingly annoyed beasts...who became even more annoyed as they each found themselves sailing majestically through the air in four different directions. Vivi pulled himself to his feet, adjusted his hat, and dusted off his cloak.  
  
"Th-thanks," he managed to choke out before collapsing to the ground in the second-cutest heap imaginable. The only sound that broke the stunned silence was Zidane's harsh breathing. His gaze darted about, eyes bloodshot, every muscle in his body tense and rigid. Then he glanced down at his hands.  
  
"Hey, what gives? I'm pink!" he noted, then laughed self-consciously. "Well, that's a little embarrassing. I must be related to Kuja," he admitted, hand dangling limply from his wrist. Dagger stared, horrified. NOW how would she get some?!  
  
  
  
The Grand Dragon sighed, rolling his mighty Dragon-eyes as he sailed, somewhat less majestically, through the air. Really, this sailing was becoming nothing short of boring. Fortunately, though, the tedium was about to end as the dragon glanced down and noticed the biggest yellow pillow he'd ever seen rapidly growing closer as he re-entered Gaia's atmosphere, losing height at a dizzying rate. As he fell, he noticed idly that this yellow pillow had feathers, as well as a head, a beak, and eyes. He had little time to ponder the why of this, as he landed on the yellow shape...and abruptly bounced off again, sailing majestically once more from Gaia's atmosphere.  
  
"Ooh," Fat Chocobo, renowned God of All Chocobos, groaned, sitting up as best he could upon his mighty Choco-butt. "Gotta lay off the Gyshal Greens."  
  
He shook his head, giving his stomach a hearty thump to calm its grumblings.  
  
"I wonder what that was, anyway," he mused, watching the speck of green disappear into the sky far above Chocobo Paradise.  
  
  
  
"Dum-dee-dem-dee-doo...now, where was I going again?" Fratley mused, wandering along, trying to whistle the melody to Chumbawumba's long-time- ago hit, 'Amnesia,' but failing utterly to recall either melody or words. "Do you...uh, something...from something memory...something? I...don't remember." At this point, he gazed absently up at the sky, scratching his head as he tried to gain his bearings.  
  
"Erm...I wonder if that's a bad thing..." he murmured, watching the large, green, scaly shape approach from the heavens. "I get the distinct feeling that I should...do something about this, but I cannot recall for the life of me what it is!"  
  
'For the life of him' turned out to be exactly what it was, as another previously-flicked Grand Dragon chose just that spot to touch down none too gently. The shock of this jarred poor Fratley's brain somewhat.  
  
"I remember everything now!" he exclaimed joyfully, muffled by the bulk of 5000 pounds of Grand Dragon. "...Including, that I really should have moved. Oh, well. Twenty-twenty hindsight, and all that. I wonder how this will affect the outcome of the game..."  
  
The Grand Dragon's last train of thought centred mainly around how impressed she was at all that the young Burmecian had managed to say before being crushed to a more than slightly apparent death.  
  
  
  
"Okay, Bahamut, we've been discussing it, and we've decided that it is high time for an Eidolon Intervention. Thus, you have now been officially cut off. No alcohol for the next three years."  
  
Bahamut stared in horror, tears filling his eyes, at Madeen's revelation.  
  
"Couldn't you just cut off my head instead?" he whined, the prospect of dealing with these smug bastards sober for the next three years chilling him to the bone. Or the Eidolon equivalent thereof.  
  
"I'm sorry, Bahamut," Shiva said, patting him on the back, "but we really feel that this is for the best. You've got to get yourself back up on your feet again, get your head back in the game!"  
  
"Life's not a game, though!" Bahamut protested.  
  
"Yes, it is," Fenrir called from a corner, holding up one mighty finger. "You have no idea how much it is."  
  
"Uh...okay," Bahamut shrugged with a mournful sigh. Then his brow furrowed. "I guess the alcohol must not have worn off yet, 'cause I could swear that I see pink elephants in tu-tus, and maje...majes...uh, flying green dragons heading this way!"  
  
Ifrit shook his head in despair.  
  
"Green Dragons?" he scoffed. "Are you mad?"  
  
"No," Bahamut replied pettishly, "I'm slightly irritated."  
  
He then put his hand to his mouth and whispered, completely inaudibly to everyone else, "Look out, Odin."  
  
The next moment, Odin, his recliner, and his cardboard sign, formerly bearing the words, 'Odin's Cool Hat Land,' were smothered by a whole freaking whack-load of Grand Dragon.  
  
"Why does everything bad happen to Odin?!" came the mournful wail from beneath the dragon. A look of fury crossed Bahamut's face as something clicked in his alcohol-addled mind.  
  
"Oh, I get it," he growled. "Bahamut's too 'drunk' to be King, so you think you can just fly in some dragon from Nowheresville to replace me! Well, I DON'T THINK SO!!!"  
  
  
  
Steiner glanced up from the chessboard as the sky above was illuminated with a bright flash of light, and a tremendous explosion rang out all around.  
  
"What was that?!" he demanded, panicked. Quina shrugged, pausing to take advantage of the Knight of Pluto's lack of attention and devour Steiner's queenside rook. 'Advantage is Quina's,' he gloated silently.  
  
"Another false alarm, Steiner?" Amarant called sarcastically from his corner, brushing the wooden shavings from the block of wood that he was painstakingly carving into the shape of something completely unrecognizable. 'I'm not very good at this,' he admitted sadly. Steiner sighed, exasperated  
  
"I do not know about you, but where I come from, stuff does not just blow up without a reason! Isn't that right, girls?"  
  
He turned to the corner opposite the one that Amarant had claimed for his creative workshop. Erin glared back.  
  
"Shut up, you...you...you MAN!"  
  
"There, there, Erin," Freya sighed. "They aren't all bad. Most, to be sure, but...uh...here. Just...have some more ice cream."  
  
She dropped a scoop of chocolate ice cream into a bowl, and was rather taken aback when Erin snatched the four-litre bucket instead.  
  
"Oh, WHY, Seifer? Why? It started out so beautifully. Our eyes met. Sparks flew. He put down his gun-blade, and apologized for the sparks. It was love at first sight! What went wrong?!" Her words became unintelligible amid a stormy fit of weeping, muffled by ice cream.  
  
"Maybe Seifer just wasn't the right man. I believe everyone has that one special person that they're meant to be with. And somewhere out there, I know Fratley is waiting for me. And hopefully, he'll remember me this time."  
  
Erin sniffled, frowning at her suspiciously.  
  
"You're not having a wistful memory while I'm pouring out my heart to you, are you? That would be really, really annoying!"  
  
"Of...course not." Freya hastened to assure her, looking away.  
  
"You two are no help," Steiner complained. "I'm going below to get my weapon, just in case there should be trouble."  
  
With that, he departed, leaving a rather disgruntled Qu alone at the chess board.  
  
"Hm..." Quina frowned. "No satisfaction in winning. Empty victory. Just like stomach. Reminds me, I hungry! Where I get food?"  
  
He glanced up, placing a hand to his chin as he pondered this. His eyes lit up light the bright yellow yolks of two eggs prepared sunny-side up at the sight of a large shadow looming above him.  
  
"Look good!" he commented joyfully. "Quina eat!"  
  
He leapt from his chair and, head upturned, his mouth gaped open widely.  
  
  
  
"If this is what comes of leaving the ship, remind me never, ever to do it again!" Zidane requested ruefully, stalking toward the ship. Dagger rolled her eyes.  
  
"Well, if YOU weren't so scared of Erin and her 'wrath,' this wouldn't have happened at all!"  
  
"Hey, c'mon, Dagger. Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, right?" the young man noted, the dramatic side of his personality making a flashy entrance. 'Drama queen,' Dagger thought, smiling fondly at him.  
  
"You better believe it, buddy," Eiko muttered under her breath. Vivi, noting this exchange, sighed sadly. Would the adorable little purple-haired summoner ever be his? Would she ever notice him in a way other than a naïve younger brother (although, oddly enough, one 3 years older than her), to be sheltered and protected? Had he survived nine lifetimes, simply to fail once more at ever finding true love?  
  
Suddenly, the small black mage's morose pondering was interrupted by a dismayed shout from Zidane.  
  
"Hey!" the young thief exclaimed. "Is that a Grand Dragon on the ship?!"  
  
  
  
"Die, foul fiend!" Steiner howled, striking at the beast with his sword. The dragon tilted her big dragon-head to the side and fixed him with a puzzled look.  
  
"Quina eat!" a muffled shriek of utter rage drifted up from beneath the dragon. "Quina eat, Quina eat, Quina eat!"  
  
"Poor Quina," Freya noted sadly. "We've got to get this big-ass thing to move somehow!"  
  
"Why?" Amarant demanded.  
  
"Well...because...being stuck under an ass that large cannot possibly be pleasant, can it?"  
  
"Thank-you very, very much for that mental image. Especially since Quina is trying to eat that particular ass at this moment."  
  
"Okay," Freya agreed, blinking. "Let's leave him under there."  
  
"Sounds good."  
  
"QUINA EAT!!!" the Qu howled. Then he sighed. 'I no can eat till it weaker.'  
  
"I'll save you, Quina!" Steiner assured his friend, charging forward.  
  
"Before you do that," Freya began, stopping him with an arm, "you might want to consider where he is right now."  
  
"The ass-end of a dragon," Amarant clarified. Steiner's complexion took on a rather greenish hue.  
  
"...Oh. I'm sure Quina can handle it. Would either of you like to go play chess? I'll be white." With that he clanked over to the chessboard, then frowned. "Where's my rook?"  
  
"I remind you," Quina's voice drifted toward the group, "Quina carrying all the money!"  
  
"The money?!" Amarant bolted to his feet, aghast. "I'll save you, coin- purse – uh, Quina!"  
  
The next moment, the dragon flew straight up into the air, completely against her will, the claw-marks of over ten thousand brutal slashes marring her pristine green scales. 'What a jerk!' she decided, annoyed and bleeding profusely.  
  
"QUINA EAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT!!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
The Qu, now at the end of his tether, leapt into the air after the dragon, much like the Gigan Toad he'd eaten only last week. The next moment, he fell back to the floor of the ship, holding his stomach and groaning painfully.  
  
"Quina ate," he informed the rest of the group, withdrawing a small bottle from the folds of his Glutton's Robe. He carefully selected two tablets from the bottle marked with a colourful label proudly displaying the words, 'Cid's Super-Special Miracle Indigestion-Be-Gone,' and then popped the bottle into his mouth, tossing the tablets over his shoulder. After all, he didn't want to overdose. Then he collapsed to the ground with a sigh. For once, Quina was full. 


	7. Everyone Knows That!

Chapter 7 - Everyone Knows That!  
  
"I so hungry!" Quina noted sadly.  
  
Steiner shook his head in disbelief.  
  
"Quina! You just ate a Grand Dragon, and my rook!"  
  
"And my ice cream!" Erin added mournfully.  
  
"And my second-best spear," Freya added, glaring. Amarant crossed his arms, but did not lean against anything. The reason for this would become apparent.  
  
"And then, if that wasn't enough, you ate my leanin' wall!"  
  
Quina grinned sheepishly at the angry four assembled opposite him.  
  
"Quina was hungry," he justified with a shrug.  
  
"Next time, order out!" Amarant fumed, then leaned up against something...only to realize that there was nothing there as he collapsed to the ground. "I hate you."  
  
Freya shook her head, dismayed at his forgetfulness.  
  
"Are you an idiot, or something? All of Dagguereo's take-out places are closed by five! Everyone knows that."  
  
"I'm not from Dagguereo! How the hell would I - why am I talking again? Shut up!"  
  
She glared down at him.  
  
"You shut up!"  
  
"YOU shut up!!" he barked, forgetting already that he wasn't talking anymore.  
  
"YOU shut up!!!"  
  
"YOU shut up!!!!!!!!!"  
  
"Make me!"  
  
"'Kay!"  
  
There were two ways this situation could have ended. If Yezo had had her way, he would have leapt from the floor of the airship, caught her in a tight embrace, and kissed her soundly, their very souls intertwining as the love they shared stretched out to all eternity, obliterating everything else from their minds. Serenity. Passion. Fulfillment.  
  
Unfortunately, that did not happen, as Bezo was not nearly the Amarant/Freya 'shipper that Yezo was. Probably no one on the planet was, or is to this day, or ever will be, but this was beside the point.  
  
We shall now tell you what did happen. Amarant did indeed leap from the floor of the airship, and did indeed catch her in a tight embrace. However, the only thing that stretched out for all eternity was the distance he threw her. At least, that's how it seemed to her as she flew through the air, shouting angrily, "YOUR UPPANCE WILL COME, YOU BIG-ARMED, RED-HEADED BASTARD!!!!!!!!!"  
  
All the startled crew watching from the deck of the airship heard of this, however, was "YOU-"  
  
  
  
"Huh," Zidane noted idly, "looks like the rest of the guys took care of that Grand Dragon without our help. Listen! You can even hear the victory music!"  
  
He nodded appreciatively, humming along, his stomach harmonizing in a series of growls.  
  
"Hmm...I'm hungry. Well, since we don't have to hurry back to the ship anymore, do you wanna go get pizza, guys?"  
  
Dagger rolled her eyes.  
  
"First of all, Zidane, what ever happened to getting back to the ship before something else went wrong?"  
  
"Well...I'm hungry now," Zidane informed her, wide-eyed and serious.  
  
Dagger continued, wondering what on Gaia she saw in this guy anyway.  
  
"Secondly, all of the take-out places in Daguerreo close at five! Everyone knows that!"  
  
"Well, excuse ME, Ms. Tour-Guide! I didn't know that, and I'm pretty sure Freya didn't know that. Amarant may have, but, y'know, he's been all over."  
  
"Um...guys?" Vivi piped up, scanning the skies anxiously. "You might wanna look at this."  
  
"If it's not about food, I don't care," Zidane replied pettishly, crossing his arms and looking away. Because he was looking away, he was the only one of the party unable to notice the small comet approaching at a dizzying rate, and move accordingly. As we all know, comets are usually unable to control where their paths take them, and as luck would have it (bad luck, that is), this comet's path took it straight into impact with the back of Zidane's preoccupied head.  
  
"I'm having a bad day," he groaned, collapsing to the ground.  
  
"Mine isn't turning out much better," said the comet, adjusting its pointed red hat and glaring at the young genome.  
  
"Oh, hey, Freya," Dagger greeted cheerfully, peeling Zidane from the ground and dusting him off, taking extra time to dust off his shapely posterior (as any good princess would [get crackin,' Amelia!]).  
  
"Hello, Dagger," the dragoon replied, rubbing her forehead wearily and painfully. 'Good grief, is Zidane's skull made of rock, or something?'  
  
"Well, Freya, now that you've caved in the back of my skull and killed 30 000 brain cells, what say we all go find a place to eat?"  
  
"Everywhere around here closes at five," she informed him. "Everyone knows that!"  
  
Dagger nodded her agreement, telegraphing her confusion at how anyone could possibly be so misinformed.  
  
"Who the hell tells you people this stuff?!" Zidane exclaimed. "Oh, never mind! I don't care. Let's just go back to the ship to eat."  
  
Zidane, Dagger, Vivi, and Eiko wandered in the direction of the ship. A few yards ahead, Dagger stopped and turned.  
  
"Aren't you coming, Freya?"  
  
"No, I think I'll just wander around here for a bit," she replied, reflecting that she'd been sent into orbit enough for one day. Zidane raised an eyebrow.  
  
"Are you sure you want to do that? It's kind of dangerous around here. Grand Dragons everywhere! It's Grand Dragon mating season, you know," he finished with a twitch.  
  
"And Gimme Cats," Dagger added in a whisper, "but don't talk about them."  
  
"I'm sorry; what?" Freya asked, bemused.  
  
"Gimme Cats," Dagger whispered, more emphatically.  
  
"Pardon?"  
  
"Gimme Cats!" Dagger hissed once again.  
  
"Give you pants?" Freya shrugged. "Well, I can understand why; I mean, orange spandex doesn't really suit anyone."  
  
"No!" Dagger barked, before hissing even more emphatically, "Gi-mme- Cats!"  
  
"I'm sorry; you'll have to speak louder."  
  
"Gimme Cats!" Dagger shouted, quite at the end of her tether. Zidane's eye began to twitch dangerously.  
  
"Oh! Well, they're not much of a threat, are they?" Freya reflected with a smile. "All they do is wander around, saying 'Give me a diamond, meow,' right?"  
  
Zidane's twitching eye, as well as the other, non-twitching eye, bugged out, bloodshot, and a familiar pink glow enveloped him. Freya watched, fascinated.  
  
"My goodness! How did he go into trance so quickly?"  
  
"I KILL YOU!!!!" Zidane howled, leaping forward and delivering a mighty power-flick to the stunned Burmecian, who became once again airborne, once again quite against her will. 'You never quite get used to it,' she reflected as she soared in the direction of the ship.  
  
  
  
"That was completely unnecessary, Amarant!" Steiner admonished. Amarant glared.  
  
"Bring it."  
  
"T'was merely a comment," Steiner assured him, holding up his hands in a placating gesture.  
  
"Well, it got rid of her," the large man replied with a shrug...immediately before being knocked to the ground as a small shape collided with the back of his significantly larger head. "Ow..."  
  
"Ow..." Freya echoed, climbing to her feet. Amarant followed suit, glaring darkly, which was his principal facial expression, or getting to be, at any rate.  
  
"Why can't I get rid of you?" he demanded mournfully. "You're like a little rat-boomerang."  
  
"And I love you, too, Pooky," she replied dryly.  
  
"Would you stop calling me that?!" he exclaimed, blushing slightly.  
  
"Stop...calling...I've never called you that before!"  
  
He shook his head.  
  
"You must have! I remember, quite clearly. We were on the floor, stuck between two beds, handcuffed together."  
  
"You have the weirdest sex-dreams," Erin commented, shaking her head. "And I thought mine were bad! Oh, Seifer..."  
  
Amarant shrugged. "I thought it was pretty normal. Hey, wait a minute! No! No! It wasn't a dream!"  
  
"I don't remember it," Freya stated. "Do you do this a lot?"  
  
"I've been known to do a few things on a whim and a dare," he replied, unknowingly plugging a short, sadly-neglected erotic tale of Yezo's, written as her alter-ego, Rhianwen.  
  
"Erm...alright. We'll talk about that later," she said with a smile, smacking his butt playfully.  
  
"Was that a whim, or a dare?" he inquired, his goatee hiding a small grin.  
  
"Why don't you find out?"  
  
"Uh...what?"  
  
"...I don't know. It made sense in my head," she replied sheepishly. He raised a hidden eyebrow, disconcerted.  
  
"...Right. Moving on..."  
  
"LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOKen!!!" Steiner howled, quite unnecessarily, pointing at something far off in the distance. "They return!"  
  
"Seifer?!" Erin called out hopefully, bouncing to the rail of the ship.  
  
"They!" Steiner emphasized. "Plural. THEY return."  
  
"Oh." Erin's face fell. "Well, then I don't care!" With that, she turned with a 'hmph!' and, pausing to snatch up the rest of the chocolate ice cream, she fled to her room below deck.  
  
"Hey!" Crew Member called after her. "Who's gonna fly the ship now?!"  
  
"YOU fly the ship!" came the angry retort.  
  
Crew Member's face lit up.  
  
"Just call me Captain Crew Member! Captain Crew Member to the rescue!"  
  
"Oh, gods," Freya sighed. "Just what we need. More bad jokes."  
  
Steiner simply glared at the young man.  
  
"You are not, nor shall you ever be, my equal in rank! I put my blood, sweat, and tears into working my way up the ziggurat!"  
  
"Ew..." Captain Crew Member wrinkled his nose. "Sounds icky."  
  
"What sounds icky?" Zidane chirped, sauntering on deck.  
  
"Where is Queen Garnet? And Vivi? And Eiko?" Steiner demanded.  
  
"Oh, they're below deck," Zidane replied. "I think Vivi's been traumatized, and Eiko and Dagger are casting Esuna like there's no tomorrow."  
  
"Well, now we know who "they" are, at least," Amarant commented, leaning against a wall that had not been eaten by a hungry Qu. "Keen."  
  
"Keen?" Zidane echoed, looking strangely at him. "Where did that come from?"  
  
"Same place as 'pooky,'" the bounty-hunter replied, delivering an evil glare in Freya's direction.  
  
"Pooky?!" Zidane exclaimed. "What the hell happened while we were gone?! And where are all the walls?!"  
  
"Quina's bad," the Qu announced with an apologetic wave. Zidane continued.  
  
"And...where's Erin? And who's that guy?"  
  
"I am Captain Crew Member! I am the captain of this fine vessel in Erin's absence. And who might you be?"  
  
"Uh...right." Zidane edged away nervously. "Oh, hey, Freya. When did you get back?"  
  
"...Keep that Trancin' Fool away from me! I'll never be able to look at the colour pink again!"  
  
With that, she hid behind Amarant. Zidane shrugged sheepishly.  
  
"Sorry, man, I just can't deal with...those things!"  
  
"What things?" Steiner inquired from the chess-board. "As far as I know, the only creatures around here are Grand Dragons and Gimme Cats."  
  
"Yeah. Uh, just...just don't. Just stop there," Zidane advised, eye beginning once again to twitch violently. Steiner nodded.  
  
"Okay," he agreed, turning back to his chess game, and then realizing that chess, without an opponent, isn't much fun. He pouted.  
  
"What a day," the young thief commented, flopping down on the floor against a wall. "I'm completely drained. I don't think I can take any more surprises right now. How could today possibly get any worse?"  
  
The instant the fatal phrase was out of the foolish young man's foolish young mouth, a familiar voice called out cheerfully,  
  
"Hey, guys!"  
  
Zidane's eyes widened. "Oh...no. Not them! Please, gods, not them!!!"  
  
As he was about to discover, it was, indeed, "them." Avatar and Avatara bounced merrily onto the ship.  
  
"Didn't we leave you behind?" Zidane demanded weakly, pressing a hand to his forehead.  
  
"Yeah!" Avatara chirped. "Twice!"  
  
"I bet you guys feel really stupid right now!" Avatar added, grinning hugely.  
  
"You have no idea," Amarant called. He turned to Freya, who was still huddled behind him, and muttered, "I should have killed them when I had the chance."  
  
"That's just your solution for everything, isn't it?" she observed, rolling her eyes. "Kill this, kill that!"  
  
"Hey, it's served me well so far. And besides, remember who we're talking about here."  
  
"Ah. Right. I see your point. Yes, you definitely should have killed them. Gaia doesn't benefit from their presence at all. 'Ifrit's in your underwear..." she quoted, shaking her head sadly.  
  
"Hey, maybe if we send them to Terra, Kuja will commit suicide," Amarant suggested, smirking. He was rather taken aback when, the irony of the suggestion being completely lost on her, her eyes grew wide.  
  
"You're right!" she exclaimed. "We must hang on to them until then! They could be Gaia's only hope!"  
  
"No, they couldn't," Amarant replied darkly, glaring at the young couple currently engaged in a heated thumb-war. Then he sighed. "At the risk of appearing interested, how the hell did you two get up here, anyway?"  
  
"You talk a lot more than the Amarant in my game," Avatara noted, pouting. "I wanted to meet the quiet, sulky Amarant, the REAL Amarant. Instead, I get this chattery Rasta-Chicken!"  
  
Freya smirked. 'So, I'm NOT the only that sees it...oh, no! I'm thinking like them! AAARRRRRRRRGHHHHH!'  
  
Of course, as she did not say this out loud, no one took any notice. Not only this, but it looked rather silly.  
  
"If you must know, Villainous Bigly-Armed Man," Avatar tried to boom, "I plunged the Blade of Masamune into the side of the ship and climbed up with my mighty biceps of steel, one arm holding fast to my blade, the other carrying my beloved."  
  
"We used the ladder, dude," Avatara told him. "The Ladder of JUSTICE!" She struck a dramatic pose.  
  
"Yes," Avatar continued, "and it was most impressive! To be sure, the most impressive climbing of ladder ever seen! Hah-hah-hah-hah-hah!"  
  
Steiner shook his head.  
  
"No, no, I think what he meant, was how on earth did you get up this mountain?"  
  
"Earth?" Captain Crew Member repeated, puzzled. "What's a 'earth?'"  
  
"Sorry, sorry, how on Gaia et cetera, et cetera."  
  
"We got a ride from Phoenix," Avatar announced. "He was cruising for babes, and he took one look at Avatara, and decided, 'I gotta get me some of that.' He's dead now."  
  
"He's Phoenix!" Zidane called out from his corner. "He'll be back! Just like you, just like the Gimme Cats, just like Kuja, just like everything that annoys me! Why does everything hate me?!"  
  
He began to glow a dangerous shade of pink. Hee-hee! Dangerous shade of pink! That's so silly. Ahem. Anyway, before the situation could get more out of hand, and just as Freya was in the process of fleeing the room, Dagger walked in, nearly colliding with her. Seeing the faint pinkish glow beginning to spring up around Zidane, she sighed. 'Not again...'  
  
Best to head this off now, before someone else got hurt. She sidled over to Zidane, and, sneaking up behind the young man, enclosed him in a tight embrace, taking a quick moment to give his butt a loving squeeze. The expression of hatred and rage on Zidane's face melted into one of peaceful contentment, with just a bit of surprise at the young woman's boldness, and the dangerous shade of pink, no less silly than before, dissipated into the atmosphere. Yes, for now, Gimme Cats and Freya could rest easy. An apparent cure for Zidane's hair-trigger trance had been found. But would it work again?  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Chapter 7.5 - And Now, a Word from Our Sponsors...  
  
Noxema: Genuine Draft  
  
[Lani is seated alone at a table in a tavern. It's loud, dimly-lit, smells of alcohol and vomit, with just a faint hint of blood; altogether, completely typical of the taverns of this area. Elbows propped on the table, Lani heaves a long sigh at the way she is being completely and utterly ignored. She glares scornfully at the men of surrounding tables, all lovingly cuddling their mugs of ale. Just as she is glancing sideways at her axe, thinking that, perhaps, it could use something of a workout, Ruby sidles up and pulls out a chair, putting an arm around Lani's shoulders. From here, she addresses an imaginary camera.]  
  
Ruby: Is this a scene that is all too familiar to you, girls? Do you find that most men completely and utterly neglect your numerous charms, chasing instead after the lure of alcohol? Well, suffer from burning resentment no more!  
  
Lani: An end to burning resentment?! Can such things be?!  
  
Ruby: That's right, my friend! No more burning resentment for you! Burning resentment be gone! But there's more. Have you always loved alcohol, but hated all it has taken from you? Your friends, your job, your self-respect, all your gil, your -  
  
Lani: Okay, enough! I get it. Beer bad!  
  
Ruby: But beer can also be very, very good.  
  
Lani: Tell me more!  
  
Ruby: Sure thing. Noxema: Genuine Draft. The facial cleanser that smells of beer!  
  
Lani: Tastes of beer, too!  
  
Ruby: Okay, give me that! [Tries to snatch a now nearly empty jar of Noxema: Genuine Draft from Lani, who has presumably consumed the better portions of it.]  
  
Lani: No! My facial-cleanser!  
  
Ruby: But you've got to make sure to save some for your face! Otherwise, how will you attract the men?  
  
Lani: Men? Who damn well needs 'em? I've got this! [Cuddles the jar]  
  
Ruby: ...Right. Maybe we need another free sample.  
  
Lani: Yeah, gimme!  
  
Ruby: You have to promise to put this one on your face.  
  
Lani: Yeah, whatever. Gimme!  
  
Ruby: Promise?  
  
Lani: No! Now, gimme!  
  
Ruby: I don't think so.  
  
Lani: [picks up her axe] Gimme more, or I'll cut you to ribbons! [Tries to wield the massive weapon above her head impressively, but, her motor skills and coordination having been drowned in the facial cream's intoxicating effects, she inadvertently hits herself in the head with the handle, and falls to the ground, unconscious.]  
  
Ruby: [with a sigh] I'd just like to point out, the product is supposed to intoxicate men, not you.  
  
Lani: [snore]  
  
Three hours later...  
  
[Ruby is drumming her fingers impatiently on the table, waiting for Lani to wake up. She glances over when an unearthly groan is heard from the floor. Apparently, Lani has woken up.]  
  
Lani: Don't use this product! Hangover from hell! Tell your friends!  
  
Ruby: That was from your axe.  
  
Lani: ...Oh.  
  
TV Producer Blank (offscreen): Duuuude!  
  
Ruby: Don't worry, Blank-honey. We'll edit that out. Just make sure you remember to, sugar.  
  
Blank (o.s.): Sure, no problem.  
  
[Blank, in his office, turns back to his computer]  
  
Blank: Oh, you're going down, Spider Solitaire! Hahaha!!!  
  
[Cut back to the tavern.]  
  
Ruby: So, do ya wanna try out some of the product now, kiddo? On your face, this time?  
  
Lani: Don' call me kiddo! I got six times the cup size you do!  
  
Ruby: Sure, whatever. I declare, hon, you're developing a Tifa-complex.  
  
Lani: Wha's a 'complex?' Wha's a 'Tifa?'  
  
Ruby: Just...promise me you'll use it on your face this time.  
  
Lani: Wha's a 'face?'  
  
Ruby: That's it; you're never drinkin' again.  
  
Lani: They've told me that before. But I came back! I'll always come back!! YOU BASTARDS CAN'T KEEP ME DOWN FOR LONG!!!!  
  
[Lani bolts from the tavern, presumably in search of another one, then bolts back in and steals the jar on the table in front of Ruby.]  
  
Ruby: Uh...anyway...I think we need a new spokesperson. And some more Noxema: Genuine Draft. [Grins at the imaginary camera, doing a horribly cheesy thumbs-up.]  
  
[Quina wanders into the tavern.]  
  
Quina: [to bartender] Two-hundred orders frog's legs, please.  
  
Ruby: Perfect. If there's a butt-uglier creature anywhere out there, I have yet to see 'em!  
  
[She rises from her chair. She passes by a painting of Queen Brahne on the wall]  
  
Ruby: Okay, fine, I getcher point. [She continues on to the line up, where Quina is awaiting his food.] Hi, there. How'd you like to help me out with something, honey?  
  
Quina: Quina eat first.  
  
Bartender: They won't be ready for a good half-hour, son.  
  
Quina: [with a sigh] Quina's tastes, tragically, take time to tempt. Fine, Quina will help.  
  
Ruby: Ah! Thank-you. Now, hold still for a moment.  
  
[She dips a finger into the jar, and smears the cream off on Quina's cheek.]  
  
Quina: Argh! Burns!  
  
Ruby: Oh, that's just the beer. Don't worry about it one bit, dearie.  
  
Quina: [with a sigh} Things I do for pursuit of science. [Stops, listens very carefully] Storm coming on? Sounds like...thunder.  
  
[What Quina hears is not thunder, but rather, the pounding of a thousand feet upon the wooden floorboards of the inn, as every man within a hundred- mile radius finds himself drawn, made a hopeful suitor of the completely confused, yet every so bewitchingly-scented Qu.]  
  
Hapless Suitor #1: You're short, fat, funny-looking, and of indeterminate gender, but...I love you.  
  
Hapless Suitor #2: But not nearly so much as I do! The burning in my very soul, much like a fire that is...lit...in my soul...by the match of your indescribable charm.  
  
Hapless Suitor #3: Hey! I love it! Back off, guys!  
  
Hapless Suitor #87: I don't love you, but can I lick your cheek?  
  
Quina: Quina scared! Quina leaving! Quina FLEE!!!  
  
[Quina clinks two forks together and turns around and bolts from the tavern.]  
  
Ruby: Well, there you have it, folks. If Noxema: Genuine Draft can make a man like that desirable to men, how much more can it do for you?  
  
[Fade out.] 


	8. By Any Other Name

Chapter 8 - By Any Other Name  
  
"Hey, guys, it's before five now! We can go get food from Daguerreo now!" Zidane proclaimed jubilantly. The rest of the crew were less jubilant.  
  
"Zidane," Dagger began from the cot across the room, sitting up and rubbing her eyes sleepily. "It's after midnight."  
  
"Yeah," Eiko agreed. "And if you feed an Eiko after midnight, she gets really, really grouchy!"  
  
"But...food!" Zidane whined mournfully. The two summoners, however, had already dismissed the hungry boy, opting instead to go back to sleep. Zidane shook his head. It was hard being alone with nothing but an empty stomach. Then a thought occurred to him.  
  
"I could eat Vivi!"  
  
"No, you couldn't!" a small voice piped up, frightened.  
  
"Sorry, Vivi," he called back with a sigh, then cackled evilly to himself. The boy wouldn't suspect a thing.  
  
"If you hurt Vivi," an angry German voice called out...uh...angrily and Germaniacally, "you will have a fight on your hands, you monkey!"  
  
"Of course not, Steiner! Geez!" Then Zidane put a hand to his chin. 'Hmm...canned food...Okay, that's it; I gotta go for a walk before I start wondering if Rasta-Chicken tastes like normal chicken.'  
  
  
  
Thus deciding, the thief darted from the room onto the deck of the airship, where three groans of "Ooooooh...so hungry!" greeted him.  
  
"Hey, Quina," he greeted back. "Hey, Avatar. Hey, Avatara." Then he shook his head.  
  
"Oh, for crying out loud, we've gotta get you two new names. But how?"  
  
"I know of a way," a voice informed him from the shadows. Zidane, Avatar, and Avatara turned to see who the mysterious man was.  
  
"Cigarette-Smoking Man?!" Avatara exclaimed.  
  
"Krycek?!" Avatar exclaimed, being somewhat less of an X-Files buff than his woman.  
  
"No, guys, it's Captain Crew Member," Zidane informed them, vastly disappointed.  
  
"...Oh," Avatara sighed, deflated. "But then...why's he got a Morley?"  
  
"Yeah," Zidane agreed. "And what's that smoking stick in his hand?"  
  
Avatar blinked.  
  
"So...what does Morley mean here?"  
  
"Bad hair," Zidane replied wisely.  
  
"Well, then, you got a pretty nice mop o' Morley yourself, Zidane," Avatar smirked.  
  
Zidane glared back.  
  
"Shut up, Morley Man!"  
  
"Nooooo!" Avatara howled, drawing puzzled looks from both. "He is not Morley Man! Morley Man is the old guy from the X-Files who stands in the corner and smokes cigarettes, and is played by William B. Davis, and he's Spender's father, and he might be Mulder's father!"  
  
"You've...got some weird friends," Zidane commented, shaking his head.  
  
"Yeah," Avatara agreed. "Mulder and Scully are weird."  
  
"Right," Avatar drawled. "Friends. They're like this." The young man held his arms as far apart as they could go, briefly wishing that Amarant were there to better demonstrate.  
  
"And between here-" He wiggled the fingers of his left hand. "-and here-" The right fingers wiggled. "-is the barrier between fantasy and reality."  
  
"A barrier which, I might add, we have already crossed once today," Avatara reminded him severely, crossing her arms and pouting.  
  
"Anyway," Zidane broke in, seeing that a fight had the potential to develop, "let's get going to Daguerreo. It'll be five again before we know it. And then we won't be able to get food again!"  
  
"Hey! Guys! I went to all this trouble to rent this suit, found this smoking stick thing, and stand in the shadows, all mysterious-like, and you just INGORE me?!!! Well, I don't think so! You can all just stay right there, shut up, and listen while I reluctantly tell you what I know!"  
  
"Uh...I gotta go to the bathroom," Avatar called out, his hand waving frantically.  
  
"Shut up, sit down, and listen!!!"  
  
Avatar dropped to the floor, pouting.  
  
"Just for the record," he informed everyone, "I am not pouting. I am sulking. Pouting is for little girls. Sulking is for manly warriors of virtue."  
  
"Anyway," Captain Crew Member continued through gritted teeth, "I know of a way that you could bring about this task."  
  
"Eh?" Zidane's brow wrinkled. "Task?"  
  
"You wanted to rename them," Captain Crew Member reminded him, straightening his suit jacket lapels.  
  
"Oh, that?" Zidane scratched the back of his head sheepishly. "Well, that was just sort of more of a passing fancy."  
  
"No! You want to rename them!" the suit-clad crew member barked. "And I will tell you how, if you will shut up and let me!"  
  
Zidane shrugged. Avatara was not so compliant.  
  
"I thought you were a secondary character," she noted sadly.  
  
"SHUT UP!!! Now, to rename yourself, or any of your friends, you must possess an ancient and mysterious card, known as the Namingway Card."  
  
"That?" The young man laughed easily. "Oh, we found that way back in Kuja's book-case, right next to his copy of Oxford's Big Book of Fairies."  
  
This caused everyone to erupt into a fit of giggles. Then, sobering, Captain Crew Member gave Zidane a mournful look.  
  
"So, you already have it? I don't get to tell you the story of the long and perilous journey, fraught with danger and menace...and a bunch of slimy things with sharp pointy teeth?! You've already got it?!"  
  
"Yeah, pretty much," Zidane confirmed with a shrug. Avatara giggled.  
  
"In your face, secondary character!"  
  
"I have a name," that same secondary character informed her, fixing her with a glare so piercing that she giggled some more, "and it is Bob Vious!"  
  
"You're Captain BobVious?!" Avatar exclaimed.  
  
"Well...not yet. I am not really the captain." Then he sighed, one lone teardrop rolling down his cheek. "Someday..." Then he brightened. "Ah-hah! You may have it, but do you know how to use it?!"  
  
"Eh, we'll figure it out when we get there," Zidane assured him, sauntering back down below deck.  
  
"IT'S NOT THAT EASY!!" Captain Bob Vious yelled after him.  
  
"Whatever," Zidane called back." I'm gonna go see if, like, Freya or Amarant will come with us. I don't really feel like looking after these two yutzes alone."  
  
He disappeared below deck.  
  
"Boy, Quina," Avatar said to the sadly-ignored Qu, "you sure got the shaft in that conversation."  
  
"Poor Mr. Quina!" Avatara wailed, her eyes shiny and quivering. Quina merely shrugged.  
  
"Quina didn't want to get involved."  
  
"AAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRGH!!!!!!!" Zidane howled in anguish, bolting back up the stairs. "I don't want Freya or Amarant to come along. They're.busy. I didn't need to see it! Someone get those two some damn clothes!"  
  
"Of course we should," Captain Bob Vious agreed, patting Zidane's arm consolingly. "I'll get right on that. And as for all of you, safe journey and godspeed."  
  
  
  
With that, the group of four jaunted off merrily...aside from Zidane, who was frantically trying to claw his eyes from his head...to the Water Citadel Shrine-Thingie.  
  
  
  
Captain Bob Vious watched the four shapes melt into the darkness.  
  
'Hmm...' he thought. 'I hope they know that nothing in Daguerreo opens until nine. Not as many people know that.'  
  
Then, hearing a footfall to his left, he turned.  
  
"Oh, hey, Amarant," he greeted, then frowned. "So, by the way, what were you two doing? You scared the living Bahamut out of Zidane."  
  
"What?" Amarant shrugged. "Can't a couple friends use the sauna without being judged?"  
  
"Sauna?" Captain Bob Vious blinked. "We have a sauna?"  
  
"Y-yes," Amarant replied, stuttering for perhaps the first time in his life, his eyes shifting nervously from side to side.  
  
  
  
"Hey, look, Avatar," Avatara chirped. "It's our waterfall! Waay! Waay!" Zidane and Quina watched in consternation as Avatara danced about in merry circles. Avatar grinned hugely, but refrained from dancing.  
  
"I've got some happy memories of that waterfall," he proclaimed, then stopped. "Hey, isn't that where Daguerreo gets its water supply?"  
  
Zidane's face grew pale, and a mouthful of water he had just taken from his canteen shot out of his mouth, taking out a hapless nearby Gimme Cat.  
  
"I'm mad, meow!!!" the creature howled as it flew off the side of the cliff, landing with a satisfying squish.  
  
"Eugh," Zidane grunted. "That was a disgusting thought...but for some reason, I feel a lot better now. Now, let's do this thang!"  
  
"Thang?" Quina repeated. "What a thang?"  
  
"Is that what Kuja wears?" Avatar asked, his brow wrinkling in confusion.  
  
"No! That's a thong. We're talking about a thang," Avatara informed him. Then she frowned. "So...what is a thang?"  
  
"It's like a thing, only with the wrong letter," Zidane explained tightly. "Now, SHUT UP!!!"  
  
  
  
And with that, they entered the sleeping Daguerreo. And then realized their flaw in planning.  
  
"Dammit! Not open until 9:00 a.m.?! I STILL can't get food?!" Zidane whined mournfully, the sound echoing through the still hall.  
  
"Nine-o-clock?" Avatar repeated. "I didn't know that."  
  
"Me neither," Avatara added. Quina nodded sagely.  
  
"Quina knew."  
  
"Then why didn't you say so?!" Zidane demanded, wheeling furiously on the Qu.  
  
"Nobody ask," Quina replied sadly. "Nobody ever talk to Quina. I like blemish on party."  
  
"That's not true, Quina!" Zidane hastened to say. "They're the blemish on the party, not you!"  
  
"Yeah," Avatar agreed. "We're the blemish...hey, wait a damn minute here!"  
  
"Bite me, Zidane!" Avatara shot at the young man, much to the rage of Avatar.  
  
"You'd better not, Zidane! 'Cause if you do...RRRRR!!!!"  
  
"Okay, guys, enough. Let's just try to get some sleep until something freaking OPENS around here," Zidane suggested, flopping to the stone floor and pouting. It was then that he caught sight of something shiny out of the corner of his eye, and was drawn like a moth to...something shiny.  
  
"Daguerreo All-Night Namingway Card Redemption Center?" he read, scratching his head. "That's a little TOO convenient, if you ask me."  
  
"You no fight it, Zidane! Let's do this thang!" Quina exclaimed.  
  
"There's that thang again," Avatara sighed.  
  
"Let's go," Zidane announced, pointedly ignoring the cat-girl.  
  
  
  
"Gee, guys, I don't quite know how to tell you this," the shop-keeper began, twisting his feather-duster nervously, "but when we say Daguerreo All-Night Namingway Yadda Yadda, it's really more of a catchy name than a company philosophy."  
  
"You have GOT to be kidding!" Zidane exclaimed, slumping forward.  
  
"What are you trying to say, exactly?" Avatar demanded, suspicion creeping into his tone.  
  
"We no open. You go away. Come back at nine," the shop-keeper said, pushing the young man toward the door. But Avatar still wasn't certain.  
  
"Which means...what, exactly?"  
  
"BUGGER OFF!!!!!!!!" the disgruntled man howled, then shrank back as the sound echoed and re-echoed off the cavernous walls of the citadel. "D'oh!" he exclaimed, not improving matters any.  
  
"Okay, guys, let's just...go somewhere else and figure out what we're gonna do from there," Zidane interjected, wondering why in Gaia he was actively trying to prevent this shop-keeper from ending Avatar's life. Avatara brightened.  
  
"We could sit down and have a meaningful, heart-to-heart talk about...stuff!"  
  
"Yeah..." Zidane said hesitantly. "We could do that."  
  
With a sigh, he headed toward the spot she had pointed the group to.  
  
  
  
"Wow! I can't believe I'm saying this, but I'm impressed, man. That was mature, insightful, thoughtful...I have so much more respect for you now!" Zidane shook his head, clapping his companion heartily on the shoulder.  
  
"Thanks!" Quina beamed. "I do more than eat, you know. Quina a Qu of the world."  
  
"What about us?" Avatar spoke up hopefully. "Do you have lots more respect for us, too?"  
  
"All you did," Zidane began, shaking his head, "was talk about that imaginary sword of yours, and all she did was bat around a ball of string! You're both still idiots!"  
  
"Masamune is not imaginary!" Avatar shot back, his eyes narrowing into slits. Avatara watched on, confused, her ball of string rolling away, forgotten. "Someday you'll find out just how not-imaginary it is!"  
  
"Whatever, man. It's almost nine, though, so let's go get some breakfast!" Zidane suggested, bouncing joyfully to his feet. 'Food, food, food!' he reflected.  
  
"Uh...weren't we gonna go change our names?" Avatara asked abruptly and alliteratively.  
  
"Hey, as far as I'm concerned, your name is Mud," the youth informed her coldly.  
  
"We've already established that it isn't!" she shot back, her eyes beginning to tear, her little cat-ears standing up angrily, her tail expanding to the size of three tails.  
  
"Hey," Avatar noted, grinning. "If your tail expands three more times again, you'll be, like, a cat-o-nine-tails! Ah-hah-hah-hah-"  
  
The sound of his laughter was cut off by a loud 'thud' as Avatara's sweatdrop made a joyful come-back, knocking him into the shallow water below.  
  
"Dude!" he exclaimed, pulling himself from the basin and climbing up the stairs, "puns are cool!"  
  
"Not when they involve my tail," Avatara bit out.  
  
"But you've got such a nice tail!" Avatar protested. Avatara spoke no word, her eyes narrowing as she brandished her sweatdrop menacingly. Avatar held his hands up in a placating gesture.  
  
"Alright, okay, enough with the tail."  
  
"Alright, it's obvious to me that you two aren't gonna shut up until we get you new names - probably not then, either - so let's get going," Zidane suggested, rubbing his eyes wearily.  
  
"Remember," Avatara reminded...uh...yeah, gazing fearfully at the booth, "we don't know what we're supposed to do with that card-thingy!"  
  
"I'm sure it can't be that hard," Avatar said.  
  
'Oh, gods,' Zidane thought, 'it's going to be more of an ordeal than I ever could have imagined.' Aloud, all he said was,  
  
"Now, get in there, you two. And try not to break anything."  
  
  
  
"Namingway Card?" the bored-looking young man behind the desk demanded. Avatar held the small scrap of paper out to him. "Thanks. New names?"  
  
"Uh...I'm...Nat. No! I wanna be...Sephiroth!"  
  
"He's Bezo, I'm Yezo," the cat-girl formerly known as Avatara informed the clerk with a sigh.  
  
"That's twice you named me!" the newly-christened Bezo whined. "I never get to name myself! I'll never be Sephiroth."  
  
"Congratulations. By the power vested in me you are now Bezo and Yezo. Get out. NEXT!!!"  
  
At the bellow, a man who looked suspiciously like the former Percolator sauntered forward.  
  
"Namingway Card?"  
  
The Percolator held out his card.  
  
"New name?"  
  
"I no longer wish to be known as The Percolator. I never wanted to be a super-villain. I always wanted to be...a lumberjack!"  
  
"New name, not life-story?"  
  
"Oh, very well," the heavily-caffeinated villain sighed. "Twiggy the Lumberjack."  
  
"Some people just have way too much imagination," Yezo commented sadly as she and Bezo left the booth. Outside, Zidane and Quina were already waiting, each with a Breakfast Burrito.  
  
"All ready? Wow, that was quick. These things just don't have the pomp and ceremony they used to," Zidane commented. "So, who are ya?"  
  
"I'm Yezo, the Yellow Priest!" She brandished her sweatdrop impressively...or tried to. It slipped from her grasp and fell into the fountain below. "Dangit!"  
  
As Yezo leapt into the water to fish out her weapon of choice, Bezo crossed his arms and grinned widely at the two.  
  
"I am Sephiroth, the Silver Priest!"  
  
"He's Bezo," Yezo's voice drifted up from below.  
  
"I thought your goal was to have less confusing names," Zidane said.  
  
"Eh, we couldn't think of anything," Bezo informed him. "The guy looked really pissy."  
  
"Hey, can you blame him? That's gotta be a boring job. Just sitting there all day, listening to people whine that they don't like who they are, and they want to be something else...that would drive me nuts!"  
  
"So..." Quina began as Yezo skipped back up the steps to rejoin the men. "Why you not just say to everyone to call you something different? That way, you no need Namingway Card, and we no need to waste time come here."  
  
An awkward silence. Then, as one, Zidane, Bezo and Yezo agreed on something for the first, and likely the last, time ever.  
  
"Shut up, Quina!" 


	9. Hey-Ho, Where'd Me Bunny Go?

Chapter 9 - Hey-Ho, Where'd Me Bunny Go?  
  
"Where is the plot?" the man asked in a completely over-emphasized British accent, pulling at one side of his pencil-thin moustache.  
  
"I am not entirely sure," another far too British man replied, perplexed. "Is it up a tree? Is it...over there? Perhaps...in the pantry? Under a rock?"  
  
"No," the first man replied, setting the rock back down. "I do enjoy a good plot. But whatever has become of it?"  
  
"I know not whereupon the plot now rrrrrrrrrests," his companion said, trilling his 'R's rrrrrrrrrrridiculously.  
  
  
  
"Wow," Zidane commented, eyes glued to the television screen, "they'll let anyone on TV."  
  
"I quite agree, Zidane," Dagger said disgustedly. "It takes no talent at all to overact."  
  
"What are you saying?!!!!!!!!" Steiner howled in agony, clutching his chest-plate and collapsing to the ground. Notably absent was the Oscar.  
  
"What are you all doing?! We're back! Get that TV out of here! No anachronisms! They're a terrible, terrible thing!" Erin exclaimed, throwing a tarp over the box.  
  
"Speaking of overacting..." Steiner commented huffily, his nose in the air. Then he turned to Zidane and glared accusingly. "And just where were you, Quina, Cat-Girl and Avatar staggering in from this morning?"  
  
"What? Oh, that. Yeah, we were just over in Dagguereo buying food. Oh, and we managed to find some new names for those two." He crooked his thumb toward the nearby corner, where Bezo and Yezo were engaged in a heated thumb-war. "He's Bezo and she's Yezo now."  
  
"Bezo?" Amarant repeated, wandering in to the room. "I'm surprised he didn't call himself Sephiroth."  
  
"I tried," Bezo called, releasing his grip on Yezo's thumb, "but they said it was too long. It can only be eight letters."  
  
"How many does...yeah, it has nine. Hmph...you would have been Sephi-rot. Seems appropriate to me," Amarant smirked, once again withdrawing his oddly- shaped block of wood and pen-knife. Time to put the finishing touches on his creation!  
  
"Ipsen's Castle is just up ahead!" the former Captain Crew Member called from the little steering-thingy.  
  
"Or maybe not," Amarant muttered, leaning against one of the newly-replaced walls. 'If that damn Qu eats these ones, too, I'll throw him so far, he hits his own shadow! Rrr!'  
  
"Hey! Quina!" he called to the Qu, who was currently involved in a lively game of chess (hee-hee! Lively chess...) with Freya. "If you hit these walls, too, I'll throw you so far, you eat your own shadow! Ah, dammit. This is what comes of talking, I suppose."  
  
"You're still talking too much, Amarant," Yezo noted sadly. "Stop it! Be more quiet!"  
  
She gave him a decidedly un-mighty smack upside the head, the force of which ruffled one of his rasta-pleats a little. Said rasta-pleat sailed straight up from his head, and landed, perfectly in place once more. He clapped a hand to his eyes and brushed back the layer of hair covering them in a moment equal in tension and anticipation to when a much-loved snow- suited boy named Kenny in a universe far, far away, in a park significantly below the more northern one, took off his hood for the very first time. His bright pink eyes sparkled in the moonlight...which was odd, as it was still daylight.  
  
"Hee!" Yezo giggled. "You have pink eyes!"  
  
"Shut up!" he whined in a distinctly non-Amarant-ish voice. Yezo was not so easily convinced.  
  
"You have pink eyes! You have pink eyes! You have pink eyes!" she sang childishly, dancing about the increasingly annoyed bounty-hunter.  
  
"That was a bad idea," Freya called to the cat-girl. "He'll throw you so far, you won't finish your sentence!"  
  
"Eep!" Yezo proclaimed, darting over to Avatar. "I must rely on Mighty Sephiroth to protect me! Or, at least, to cuddle me until I forget about my impending doom. Yeah...impending-doom cuddles..." she sighed happily, bouncing over to Bezo and insinuating herself between his arm and his shoulder, snuggling against him.  
  
"Oh," Dagger commented idly. "How cute."  
  
"Yeah," Zidane agreed. "Idiots in love."  
  
"I suppose that explains why you and Dagger are so very adorable," Freya commented, glaring at the Qu currently munching on her Bishop.  
  
"Hmph, I say!" Dagger and Zidane said in as close to unison as two people with completely different vocal registers could. Then, all trace of offence forgotten, they cuddled together adorably. Freya smiled indulgently, and just a wee bit wistfully, before issuing another glare in Quina's direction.  
  
"And give me back my horsie!" she exclaimed severely.  
  
"Wow!" Captain Bob Vious called out. "We're here! That was quick!  
  
"Whys is that plot device guy talking again?" Eiko inquired, ambling into the room.  
  
"Hey, Eiko," Zidane greeted. "How's Vivi?"  
  
"He's almost back to full sentences!" Eiko announced cheerfully. "He should be okay by the time we land."  
  
"Wow! How hard did that dragon kick him?" Zidane demanded.  
  
"Hard enough to make him sing 'The Night Pat Murphy Died' in four different languages...all at the same time," the little summoner replied, sighing as  
  
"They went up to the graveyard,  
  
So holy and sublime,  
  
But they found out when they'd got there,  
  
They'd left the corpse behind!! AHAHA!!!" drifted up the stair.  
  
"Poor Master Vivi," Steiner sighed mournfully. Zidane shrugged.  
  
"Hey, at least he doesn't have to listen to those two." He glared balefully at Bezo and Yezo. Steiner scratched his head.  
  
"Yes! That is true! Where might I find a Grand Dragon and a good deal of head trauma?"  
  
  
  
"Alright!" Zidane proclaimed jubilantly, bounding off the ship. "We're here!" He gazed up at the upside-down inside-out castle in awe. 'Ipsen's Castle,' he thought, 'in all its glory. All...its...glory? Where the hell did that come from?'  
  
"How did that happen?!" Dagger exclaimed, blinking. "We were in the air two seconds ago, and the next thing we know, we're on the ground!"  
  
"I think the authors got bored with that scene," Zidane told her in a whisper. She nodded, understanding immediately.  
  
"So," Steiner began, "who shall go in with you?"  
  
"Uh...why don't we all just go in?" Bezo asked, confused. Steiner looked aghast.  
  
"Because we would be a party of ten! That is simply not done!"  
  
"Yeah!" Zidane agreed, frowning at Bezo. Geez, who did this guy think he was, anyway? Oh, right. Sephiroth.  
  
"Whatever," Amarant commented. "Do what you want. I'm gonna go in and get those damn plate-thingies."  
  
"Mirrors," Freya corrected absently.  
  
"Shut up!" he shot back. Then he turned back to Zidane. "Whatever the hell they are, I'm going to get them and prove to you how much these bozos are slowing you down."  
  
Zidane glared.  
  
"Hey, I didn't ask for Bezo and Yezo to show up! It's not like I WANT them along."  
  
"I'm not just talking about Pseudoroth and Cat-Girl," he replied with a smirk. "Although, mostly, to be sure...Anyway, you're wasting time working with all these people. 'He travels fastest who travels alone.'"  
  
"Or who has a convertible," Bezo added.  
  
"Yeah!" Yezo chirped. "Just like Phoenix! Those girls in the thongs said he moved really fast, so there you go!"  
  
A long silence fell. A clump of tumbleweed rolled past. The doors of the ship creaked open and shut. Someone whistled a jaunty repeating fourth interval with a definite Western lilt.  
  
"Uh...right."  
  
And with this pearl of wisdom, Amarant turned and began climbing the rather excessively long stairway to Ipsen's Castle.  
  
"Erm...should we be letting him do that?" Freya asked hesitantly. Zidane shrugged.  
  
"Sure - why not?"  
  
"Well...that doesn't seem to me to be very good group solidarity..." she replied, flustered.  
  
"Eh, let him go. He probably just needs some 'alone time,'" the fair-haired youth inferred, nodding sagely. Then he continued, rubbing his hands together briskly. "Alright! Well, I think I'll go in - "  
  
"Big surprise," Quina muttered sourly. "Prima donna."  
  
" - and Steiner, Dagger, and Vivi are gonna come in with me."  
  
"Big surprise," Eiko muttered, just as sourly. "Prima donna's pets."  
  
"So, we're all agreed, then?" Zidane glanced about the circle hopefully. "The four of us'll go in, and Freya, Quina, and Eiko can stay out here and hold down the fort?"  
  
"Great! So, what do Bezo and I do, Cap?" Yezo asked, leaning forward eagerly. Zidane raised an eyebrow.  
  
"You two? Uh...you sit right there - " He pointed to a tuft of grass. " - and try not to hurt yourselves."  
  
Upon receiving no angry response to this - indeed, no response of any kind - Zidane glanced over at the young couple...and slumped forward in despair to find that his request had gone completely unheard by Yezo, who had become distracted by a bunny, and was bouncing energetically about, trying to catch up with it. His warning also went unheard and unheeded by Bezo, who was equally distracted by his girlfriend's posterior as she chased her new friend relentlessly around the flat patch of ground before the massive staircase.  
  
"Alright, let's just go, okay, guys?" Zidane called to Vivi, Dagger, and Steiner.  
  
Shrugging as one in a brilliant show of much-rehearsed choreography, the party of four trudged up the stairway to Ipsen's Castle.  
  
"Good luck, guys," Eiko called after them before casting a despairing glance at Bezo and Yezo, who were...well, who were being Bezo and Yezo. "Although, we may need it more than you..."  
  
"Erm...Yezo," Freya called as Yezo, having caught her bunny in a small, low- hanging cave nearby, gave an incautious hop of joy. The result was immediate and disastrous as Yezo's head connected with the rock, her ears doing little to cushion her from the impact. The dragoon winced in sympathy at the 'thunk' of skull against stone, then sighed. "...You might want to watch that."  
  
"Ow..." the cat-girl whimpered, then crawled from the cave and over to Bezo's comforting arms, and pouted, eyes tearing up again. "My bunny ran away!"  
  
"Over there, Yezo!" Eiko called, pointing at a small shape bounding for all it was worth in the opposite direction. "Quick! Don't let it get away!"  
  
As Yezo tore herself from Bezo's embrace and leapt to her feet with a gasp and scampered off again, Freya looked down at Eiko, arms crossed, eyebrow raised.  
  
"You know," she began slowly, suppressing a grin with great difficulty, "you really shouldn't encourage her that way."  
  
"I know," Eiko replied with a sheepish smile. "But it's kind of irresistible."  
  
"BUNNY BUNNY BUNNY BUNNY BUNNY!!!" Yezo shrieked as she darted past.  
  
"YEZO YEZO YEZO YEZO YEZO!!!" Bezo echoed...sort of...as he darted past after her. Then disaster struck...for the second time in two minutes, as the bunny saw its chance for escape up the nearby insanely long stairway.  
  
"Ah-hah!" the bunny proclaimed, holding up a forepaw. It darted to the left and bounded up the stairs to freedom. Yezo stopped and gazed about her, puzzled.  
  
"Hey-ho, where'd me bunny go?" she sang softly in a distinctly Loreena McKennit-esque accent.  
  
"Up there!" Bezo shouted, pointing at the small furry brown shape beating a hasty retreat upwards.  
  
"Hah!" the cat-girl chirped happily as she caught sight of her little would- be pal. And so, Freya, Quina, Eiko, and Bezo watched in consternation as the young woman bounded up the stairs after the bunny. No good would come of this...  
  
And, of course, no good did.  
  
"Yezoooooooo!!!" Bezo howled after his retreating girlfriend. She turned around and cocked her head to the side.  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"Where ya goin'?"  
  
"After my bunny!"  
  
"...Oh," he replied after a long moment. "Well, if they have a snack bar in there, pick me up a hot-dog, okay?"  
  
"Roger-dodger-doo!" she called back with a giggle, saluting. And then she was gone again.  
  
"Hey, anyone wanna play Black-Jack?" Bezo asked, glancing about the ever- decreasing circle hopefully. Freya sighed, sending up a quick prayer for patience...or at least, for a well-timed, well-placed lightning bolt to end this boy's insistent rambling.  
  
"With what?" she demanded.  
  
"Oh...right," he agreed with a pout. Then a horrifying realization jolted him. "Yezo's gonna forget to put mustard on my hot dog! I've gotta go after her!"  
  
And with that, he leapt to his feet and tore up the endless staircase. "Besides," he added, turning, "I can't let that nicely-tailed little piece get away."  
  
And then he was gone.  
  
  
  
"Well," Freya sighed as Bezo bounced up the steps after his bunny-chasing love, "someone has to go in and make sure they don't hurt themselves. Go on, Quina."  
  
Quina, quite unsatisfied with this conclusion, glared as best two lovely red petunias possibly could.  
  
"Why you all hate Quina?! No more! Quina stay right here!" the Qu concluded, plunking down on the ground and crossing his arms...best as he could. Freya blinked.  
  
"Alright, then," she said slowly. "Go ahead, Eiko!"  
  
"What?! Me?! I'm only six years old!"  
  
"Do you or do you not have Madeen?"  
  
"That's beside the point! Madeen is no help against the stupidity of those two! Making me talk to them? That's child abuse! Why don't you go in, if you're so worried?!"  
  
"Why does it have to be me? Haven't I suffered enough? Haven't my people been ruthlessly slaughtered?...twice?! Haven't I had to put up with being thrown all across creation by a grumpy Rasta-Chicken?!"  
  
"Maybe he'd stop being grumpy if you stopped calling him that..." Eiko suggested mildly, only to be completely ignored by Freya, who was now on something of a roll, the dramatic side of her personality leaping to the foreground and striking a ridiculous dramatic pose.  
  
"I'm not nearly done!" she exclaimed. "As far as I know, there are only about ten of us left...and the only one I really care about doesn't even know who I am! We're supposed to be rebuilding our home with the other eight, and he's off somewhere, trying to remember how to make toast!!! You think this doesn't frustrate me?! You think I don't have enough stress in my life?! Well, think again, little missy!!!"  
  
"Little...missy? I think she's lost it," Eiko murmured sadly to Quina, whose only acknowledgement was to 'hmph' even more pointedly.  
  
"Well!" the Burmecian chirped brightly. "I suppose I'll go in, then. It's good to let these things out every once in a while. Otherwise, they just build up, and you start being all pissy, and leaning against things, and throwing everything in sight. Who wants to end up like Amarant? Gods, I'd sooner reduce the numbers to nine by ending my own life."  
  
With this, she turned and skipped up the steps, merrily whistling a jaunty Riverdance tune.  
  
Eiko watched, blinking.  
  
"I think she likes him."  
  
"Who?" Quina tilted his head to the side, puzzled.  
  
Eiko whispered something in his ear, to the effect of Freya's having something of a fondness for a certain...red-headed someone, and his flower- eyes widened.  
  
"You crazy! Why you think that?!"  
  
"Well, you see, when a girl really likes a guy, she sometimes says things about him that aren't so nice. Watch: I think Vivi is a big stupid-head, and his hat is too yellow and pointy. See?" Then she sighed. 'Oh, Vivi...' 


	10. Second Fiddle To a Stick

Chapter 10 - Second Fiddle To a Stick  
  
  
  
"Hey, guys," Zidane announced, completely unnecessarily, "we're inside Ipsen's Castle!"  
  
"Uh...yeah, Zidane," Vivi agreed tiredly. "The big glowing sign saying 'Welcome to Ipsen's Castle' kind of helped with that."  
  
"Oh! I didn't notice that!" the young man proclaimed with a sheepish grin.  
  
"How garish!" Steiner commented in disgust, waving his arms about and clanking accordingly. "How tasteless! How...how..."  
  
"How convenient," Dagger broke in, her gaze darting about suspiciously. "Doesn't it seem a little too easy to you, that we wander into some random upside-down, inside-out castle, and, on our first try, it's the right one? You know what? I don't think this is Ipsen's Castle at all! I think it's all a clever scheme!"  
  
"...Of...who?" Zidane asked, scratching his head, utterly lost. Dagger blinked.  
  
"Oh...I don't know. Some...guy." She dismissed the matter with a vague wave of her hand.  
  
"Why is it always a guy?" Zidane demanded, angry. "Why do you assume that, when someone has a clever scheme, it's a guy? Why can't girls ever have clever schemes?!"  
  
Steiner shook his head.  
  
"Zidane, would one not think that Queen Garnet should be the one defending the intelligence of women?"  
  
"Oh...yeah. That's a good point, man. Yeah, it must've been a man. Just imagine a woman having a clever scheme; what a stupid idea!"  
  
"There's gonna be a blood-bath, isn't there?" Vivi murmured mournfully to Steiner.  
  
"No! There is no time for this! We must continue on to find the bowls!"  
  
"I thought we were looking for saucers..." Zidane reflected.  
  
"How silly!" Dagger laughed. "We're looking for collector's edition Elvis plates!"  
  
"U-um...aren't they mirrors?" Vivi piped up, then continued, confused. "Who's Elvis, anyway?"  
  
Dagger's brow wrinkled.  
  
"I...don't know. But, strangely enough, something is telling me that he...isn't dead."  
  
Vivi patted Dagger's hand comfortingly.  
  
"Dude, he's dead. Accept it. Alexandria hasn't had a King in a long, long time."  
  
"Okay, guys, whatever," Zidane proclaimed proudly. "Let's just get moving, okay?  
  
  
  
"Wow..." Yezo commented, glancing about nervously. "This place is...weird. It's, like, all inside-out and upside-down and stuff." Then she brightened. "I feel right at home! My house is all upside-down and inside-out! At least, it was after I had that party...that was pretty bad. I'll never know how that pancake got onto the roof...never to speak of that kid with his motorcycle. Wait a second...it wasn't a motorcycle! It was a small creature of some sort...like a puppy...or...or...a BUNNY!!!" She stopped wandering and leaned against one of the upside-down-ish pillars with a sigh. "I wonder where my bunny went, anyway. And my Bezo. I'm all alone now! Come to think of it, coming in here by myself, with all these scary monsters, was probably a bad idea. I'm not even properly equipped! I wonder if I should go find a better...hitting thingy..."  
  
Before our young...heroine.....addict could put this plan, or even the one of finding her floppy-eared pal the bunny, into effect, a series of snarls and growls and barks drifted towards her. Wide-eyed with fear, she turned toward the sound. Then she clapped her hands and bounced up and down happily as her gaze lit on exactly what was behind her.  
  
"A puppy! Oh, look at the cute, fluffy little puppy! C'mon, puppy, come play with me!"  
  
Cerberus, for his part, was not used to being called cute, or fluffy, or little for that matter. And he certainly was not used to being asked to 'play,' particularly by members of the cat family, which this little...thing seemed to be.  
  
'Maybe if I eat her,' he reflected, 'she'll shut up.'  
  
Had Yezo known of this plan, she might have re-thought her next suggestion.  
  
"Hey! I know! We can find the bunny, and Bezo, and we can all be best friends and play together forever!"  
  
'The...bunny?' Cerberus reflected, licking his chops. 'Sounds tasty.'  
  
A smile spread itself over his vaguely canine features. One which Yezo misinterpreted completely.  
  
"Aww...the puppy's happy to see me! The puppy wuvs me! Yes, you do! Yes, you do! Don't you, puppy-wuppy?"  
  
'Puppy...wuppy? I'm not sure how much more of this I can take.'  
  
'Just eat her!' a voice in the back of his mind suggested.  
  
'Eat that?! I don't know where she's been! And I'm pretty sure she's bad for my cholesterol.'  
  
'Oh, you and your damn cholesterol! Just eat her, for crying out loud! I'm getting sick of her, too!'  
  
'You just never stop, do you? Always telling me what to do. You can never just let me live my life, can you?'  
  
By this time, Yezo was somewhat confused.  
  
"What are you thinking about, puppy?" She brightened. "Do you have a game for us to play?! Waay! Waay! Waay!"  
  
Wrapping her arms around the ravenous beast (or, its front paw, at any rate...) in an affectionate bear-hug, she continued to chirp merrily about all the games that the bunny probably had for them to play, too, and all the fun they could all have playing together for eternity.  
  
'Eat her!' the voice at the back of the bemused and dismayed monster's mind insisted. 'Eat her, eat her, eat her, EAT HER!!!'  
  
Heaving a long sigh, Cerberus rolled his big ravenous-beast-eyes, and was just preparing to reach down and grab Yezo by the back of her yellow t- shirt, when another voice echoed through the air.  
  
"YEZOOOO!!!" it howled, then stopped. "Sweet! I sound like the Phantom! Sing, my angel of...oh, wait. Yezo! What are you doing?!"  
  
"Bezo?!" she chirped, whirling about. "Bezo!"  
  
In the process of whirling about, Yezo's tail struck her new pal full-on in the face.  
  
"Ow..." Cerberus muttered, collapsing, the corpse instantly disappearing.  
  
"Wow..." Bezo commented, raising an eyebrow. "It must have been a Jedi."  
  
Yezo blinked, then pouted.  
  
"Darnit! I lost my bunny, AND my puppy!"  
  
She had just begun to collapse to the cold stone floor, once more in her favourite cute little anime sitting pose, tears just beginning to fill her eyes, when, all at once, she began to feel more powerful...almost as though she had become, somehow, more experienced.  
  
"Weird...I feel...smart. It's very different...I don't like it! Out, damned smart! Out, I say!"  
  
Balling up her fist, Yezo proceeded to punch herself repeatedly in the head, when she noticed something odd. 'Level up' floated past in little white letters. And again, and again, and eight more times after that.  
  
"Dude!" Bezo exclaimed. "You're Level 11! D'oh! I'm still Level 0! Waaaaaait a minute! Shouldn't I have got half the experience from that? Did I not distract the beast at the pivotal moment, just as Mighty Sephiroth might? Ah, master, I am becoming more like you every day...except for the fact that I'm still Level 0. This sucks!" he decided, turning around and storming into a corner. Then he turned, his eye caught by something decidedly shiny.  
  
"Ooh!" he exclaimed, bouncing over to where the prize lay on the floor, unguarded. "Money! Sweet! I just found 1984 gil! I can't believe I was able to count them so...quickly. This'll really come in handy if we ever need to buy, like, say, a Golden Chocobo, or something."  
  
"You can't buy a Golden Chocobo, Bezo," Yezo informed him, giggling.  
  
"Maybe YOU can't," Bezo scoffed. Yezo shrugged, flinging an arm about his shoulders and nuzzling closer.  
  
"Whatever, honey."  
  
Bezo turned to glare at her.  
  
"And DON'T leave me alone here! I don't know this universe, because YOU won't give me the game!"  
  
"Tell ya what: As soon as we get back home, I'll give you Final Fantasy 9. I think I'll have had enough of it to last a lifetime."  
  
"No, you won't," Bezo foretold glumly. "If anything, this'll only fuel your obsession. You can't get away! You can't escape! You are trapped forever! Forever! My Angel of Music! AHAHAHAHA! God, I love this reverb!"  
  
"Uhm...um...no, I'm not," Yezo protested nervously, eyes huge and yellow...like the priestess that she was...for some reason.  
  
"Oh. Thank the gods I've finally found you. Now I can die happy," a voice proclaimed, utterly deadpan, from behind them.  
  
"Hey, look, Yezo! It's Rat-Face!"  
  
"Uh...do you WANT to look like a pin-cushion, Bez'?" Yezo asked sadly.  
  
"Because it could be arranged," Freya assured him, brandishing the Obelisk menacingly. She was quite distracted from threatening the death of this maddening boy, however, when an ominous growl sounded behind her. Whirling about, she leapt into a defensive stance, eyes glued to the Cerberus before her. Then, in a brilliant and stunning display of hitting things with really cool lookin' sticks, she darted up to the snarling beastie and delivered a crushing blow.  
  
Or so she thought.  
  
"Ping!" went the weapon against the ferocious puppy dog, who stared at it, blinking calmly. Then he took a deep breath and voiced his thoughts on what had just happened.  
  
"Tpthtpthtpthtpth!!!" the demon-beast raspberried.  
  
"Oh!" Freya intoned mournfully. "What just happened there?"  
  
Once again, her thought was quite derailed, this time by a joyful squeal of,  
  
"PUPPY!!!"  
  
She stared in consternation as Yezo bounded forward and proceeded to huggle the slavering, ravenous beast in what seemed to Freya a most reckless manner.  
  
"Yezo!" she exclaimed. "What are you doing?!"  
  
"Huh?" Yezo chirped, turning around. As it had before, her tail swung around and collided with the monster, sending him shooting off into the upper regions of the castle, where he disappeared with a "Ping!" and a flash of twirling light.  
  
"Damn, Yezo," Bezo exclaimed. "You rock!" Then he pouted as it became apparent that once more, he was being bypassed in the 'experience' department. "I never get any experience," he whimpered sadly. "No experience!"  
  
He turned away with a mournful sigh and slunk off into the corner.  
  
"Yezo's, like, Level 30 now, and I'm still stuck here at 0! It's not fair! I'm the warrior! The warrior of might and power and...stuff!"  
  
Just as tears had begun to trickle their ways from the corners of his eyes, out of that same corner, he caught sight of a beam of light of purest white streaming down from a hole in the roof, and falling upon an object that would change his life forever, the very object that was his destiny.  
  
"Masamune!" he gasped reverently. "The great demon blade Masamune has come at last! Oh, you are so dead, monsters of the world! And you, too, Flaming McMuffin!"  
  
"Flaming...McMuffin?" Freya repeated, blinking. "Not only is that uncreative, it's also a copyright violation!"  
  
Yezo's protest was somewhat different.  
  
"Dude, that's a twig," she pointed out.  
  
"You're just jealous that Masamune didn't come to you," he sneered. "Masamune chose meeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. And together, we will destroy EVERYTHING, especially the other members of the party - I mean, especially evil," he finished, laughing nervously, then sauntering away, whistling.  
  
"No, Bezo, it really is a twig," Yezo insisted. "Heck, I'll bet I could take that thing out...like, my tail! Hee-hee!" she giggled as an afterthought. "I wuv my tail!"  
  
"Blasphemy!" Bezo howled. "Blasphemer! Blasphemist! Do not speak ill of the Great Blade of Justice!"  
  
"Oh; I fear the Twig of Justice (tm). Freya, please come protect me from the Twig of Justice," she pleaded sarcastically.  
  
"OH, no! Leave me out of this," Freya protested severely.  
  
"Let me get this straight, Yezo," Bezo ground out ominously. "You blaspheme, you sarcaz, and you belittle my destiny, forcing me to choose between the woman I love, and the weapon for which I long."  
  
"I will not be second-fiddle to a stick!" Yezo shrieked, stamping her foot angrily. "En garde! Draw your twig and prepare to fight, you salty dog!"  
  
"I shall defeat you, you salty gopher!"  
  
"No, you won't, you salty...bail 'o hay!"  
  
They both stopped, recalling a sweet memory of a song that they had shared.  
  
"I remember...that was our first dance," Yezo sighed happily.  
  
"Wait a second...wasn't our first dance 'I Wanna Sex You Up' by Maestro Horndog III?" Bezo recalled, frowning.  
  
"Oh, yeah!" Yezo chirped. "'The Last Saskatchewan Pirate' was our second dance!"  
  
"That was a weird dance," he announced, shaking his head. "Do you remember the third dance?"  
  
"How could I forget the Time Warp, baby?" Yezo giggled.  
  
"Just a jump to the left," Bezo began.  
  
"And then a step to the righ-igh-igh-igh-ight!" Yezo added. Bezo took up the tale again.  
  
"Put your hands on your hips..."  
  
"And something your knees in tigh-igh-igh-igh-ight!"  
  
"And something pelvic thrusts...pelvic thrusts are cool," Bezo reflected, grinning, forgetting the song temporarily. "Let's just stop and do some more of that!"  
  
"Men," Yezo sighed. Then she brightened. "And do you remember how, after that, we danced to the Bulgarian Funeral March by Laslo Buterkupsky?"  
  
"Yeah," Bezo sighed, eyes growing dreamy. Then he leapt up and glared at her. "Heeeeeey! Weren't one of us mad at the other one?"  
  
"Finally, they remember," Freya commented from the corner, tossing the Gameboy Advance aside. 'I've had about enough of Pokemon Garnet for now. These damned RPG's...they're so addictive!'  
  
'They sure are,' Yezo thought to herself, having somehow contrived to hear this thought.  
  
'Dammit! Get out of my mind!' Freya thought at the cat-girl ferociously.  
  
'No!' Yezo shot back snippily. 'I don't wanna!'  
  
'Oh, for Gods' sake, would you just fight Bezo so I have something to watch?!'  
  
'Oh...right,' Yezo giggled, then scowled at the twig-wielding love of her life.  
  
Then, as both leapt into defensive stances, it seemed as though the fight had finally begun...at least, if the battle music in the background were any indication. It didn't count, though, since they were the ones humming it, accompanied by Freya on her trusty harmonica.  
  
"Ow!" she lamented sadly as he counterattacked, striking her soundly on the tail, giving both of them some odd sense of satisfaction.  
  
"Give up now, or I'll really kick some tail!" Bezo advised, grinning at the brilliance of this remark.  
  
"Oh, no," Yezo countered, also grinning. "You won't be kickin' any tail, boy! The tail will be kicking you!"  
  
With that, she whipped around, sort of hopped, sort of shuffled back, and smacked him upside the head.  
  
"Ow!" he mourned. "The upside of my head!"  
  
"What's the downside?" Freya wondered idly, tossing the harmonica aside, incidentally taking out a Tonberry that had approached silently without notice.  
  
"Well, the downside is that I'll probably have a headache," Bezo informed her, clutching his head in pain.  
  
"Oh, brother," another Tonberry, who had observed the fight, unnoticed, as he leaned against a post eating popcorn...very, very slowly.  
  
"Hey, give me a break! I just got the upside of my head pounded!" Bezo protested. "My Masamune and I will not be thwarted so easily! Defend yourself, or die!"  
  
It was at about this time that Freya, watching from the sidelines, noticed that the ring of Tonberrys that had gathered were slowly edging closer to the two combatants.  
  
"Oh, this can't be good," she noted, although a part of her was tempted to just let this go. Watching them get knifed by these adorable, though deadly little green...fellas was probably more entertaining than the alternative, which didn't bear thinking about. However, that damned conscience of hers chose just that moment to fire up again, and she found herself quite unable to leave Bezo and Yezo to their demise. Standing up resolutely, she stalked toward them and seized Yezo by the back of the collar in one hand, and Bezo in the other.  
  
"Alright," she snapped, shoving Yezo away from her to the left. "You in that corner! You in that corner," she continued, shoving Bezo away from her to the right, "and neither of you are coming out until you've learned to get along like civilized people!"  
  
Then she turned and addressed the little green lizard-clerics.  
  
"And all of you, could you just bear with us for a few minutes? They've got some personal issues to work out, so no killing, alright?"  
  
"Oh, of course," thirty-seven Tonberrys said in unison, inwardly grinning wickedly, knowing full well that they wouldn't. 


	11. Not the Brightest Tonberry in the Bunch

Chapter 11 - Not the Brightest Tonberry In the Bunch  
  
  
  
Meanwhile, in Eidolon Land, Bahamut was recovering from the King of all Hangovers. With the King of all Ice Packs propped jauntily on his head, lying back in the King of all Recliners, Bahamut was feelin' pretty miserable.  
  
"Hey, hey, hey!" he exclaimed, swiping angrily at the camera-man. "Bugger off!"  
  
  
  
  
  
Meanwhile, back in Ipsen's Castle, Amarant was quite hopelessly lost.  
  
"Dammit! I'm quite hopelessly lost. What? I would NOT say that!"  
  
He threw the script aside in disgust.  
  
"Screw this! I'm winging it," he decided aloud. "I don't need this crap. From here on out, I am no longer talking around any of those idiots! I could do much better on my own than they could with a full party. Of twenty. Go me. Yeah. I'd really better stop talking."  
  
Five seconds later...  
  
"I'm bored. Maybe I should go find those plates. Mirrors. Dammit!"  
  
He pushed off of the upside-down pillar and started up the upside-down staircase...and then promptly fell off.  
  
"Ow...that was really stupid. I think Zidane and the idiot brigade is rubbing off on me."  
  
Picking himself up, he started up a right-side-up staircase. Then, at the top of the stairs, he leaned against another pillar, crossing his arms.  
  
"Whew...I almost went into withdrawal. Yeah," he sighed happily, "that's the stuff."  
  
Then, with a frown, he shifted uncomfortably against the pillar.  
  
"Something doesn't feel right. Something's...missing. Something little and furry and red and white. It's on the tip of my mind, but...it just isn't jumping...jumping out at me. Oh, well. On with my adventure. Whoo."  
  
Pushing off from a whole new pillar, he set back off down the ornately, but invertedly decorated hallway.  
  
  
  
Meanwhile, in an Eidolon Bistro, we join Ifrit and Shiva on their first date. Aww...  
  
"Y'know, Shiva," Ifrit began, frowning at the dish before him, "I think we messed up on what we ordered for dessert. I think YOU should have ordered the ice cream, and I should have ordered the chocolate fondue. Now, all you have is a frozen block of chocolate and some frozen bananas, and all I have...is a big puddle of vanilla goo."  
  
"Oh, stop complaining, Ifrit," Shiva sighed, nibbling on her block of chocolate.  
  
"Yes, dear," he agreed meekly.  
  
"God, Ifrit got whipped fast!" Odin commented from Odin's Cool Hat Land.  
  
"You said it, Odin," Carbuncle, also Bahamut-in-Training, slurred from where he was slumped over the bar.  
  
  
  
"Oh, lord," Freya sighed as the ring of Tonberries closed around them. "I ask them to hold off on the killing, they agree. Blithely, I think that means they'll actually do it. What in the hell makes me believe them?"  
  
"I don't care what you say, Bezo, it's still a bloody twig!" Yezo informed her boyfriend icily.  
  
"Apologize to the sword, tail-wielding wench!" Bezo commanded sternly.  
  
Said tail of Yezo's expanded to the size of three tails, as tends to happen to cat-like creatures when they get angry.  
  
"I am not apologizing to the twig!"  
  
"Bezo! Yezo! Argue about whether that thing is a sword or a twig later! Twig, by the way," she added under her breath. "There are about thirty- seven Tonberrys advancing menacingly on us!"  
  
"Thirty-eight," a thirty-eighth Tonberry announced, scuttling over to the rest of the group. "I slept in."  
  
"Right," Freya sighed. "As you can see, we are in quite a lot of danger, and it really isn't any time for a lovers' spat!"  
  
"We shall stop 'spatting' when she apologizes for belittling Masamune," Bezo announced huffily.  
  
"Fine," Yezo replied airily. "I am sorry you're delusional."  
  
"AAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGH!!!! NAMAGOMI!!!" Bezo howled, leaping at the cat-eared love of his life, swinging his twig furiously.  
  
"It isn't a twig!" he told the narrator angrily.  
  
Yezo, having no concept of the fact that he was trying to kill her, bounced merrily around the green, lizardy ring, singing as she went,  
  
"Bezo's got a twii-iig! Bezo's got a twii-iig!"  
  
"Yezo's gonna dii-iie! Yezo's gonna dii-iie!" Bezo sang back in reply, unknowingly taking out a number of Tonberrys with his wild swinging of twig.  
  
"I am slowly going crazy, 1-2-3-4-5-6, switch. Crazy going slowly am I, 6-5- 4-3-2-1, switch..." Freya sang softly to herself, stepping between the gap left by a now-absent Tonberry.  
  
"The hiiiiiiiiiiills are aliiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiive, with the sound of musiiiiiiiiiiiiiiic!" sang a voice in a beautiful, ringing, operatic tone.  
  
"What?!" everyone exclaimed as one.  
  
"Sorry, sorry, I thought that was the game," Tonberry #32 admitted sheepishly.  
  
"He never wanted to be a Tonberry," Tonberry #5 said to Tonberry #17. "He always wanted to be a lumberjack."  
  
"I woulda thought opera singer, meself," Tonberry #17 replied.  
  
"Nah, that's just his hobby," Tonberry #5 informed him. Tonberry #17 nodded.  
  
"So, you goin' to the game after the battle?"  
  
"Eh, depends on whether or not I live, I guess. But, yeah. If I can."  
  
"Hear it's the Treno Cerberi against the Alexandrian Blonde Thong-Wearing Soldier Girls."  
  
"Ooh, gotta love those Thong-Wearing Soldier Girls."  
  
"Who the heck are the cheerleaders in that city?"  
  
"The Knights of Pluto. Poor bastards."  
  
It was at about this point that the conversation came to an abrupt end, as Tonberry #17 was obliterated from existence, followed quickly by Tonberry #5. Alas, they never made it to that game...  
  
Finally, Bezo came to a halt, huffing and puffing.  
  
"Dammit, Yezo, hold still so I can slay you!" he called mournfully to the still-bouncing female. "Just...give me a minute to catch my breath and then I'll slay you."  
  
"Whatever, honey," she agreed, bouncing past and giving him a warm hug.  
  
"I can't stay mad at you," he observed with a fond sigh. Then, suddenly, his eyes widened, and his hair began to stand on end. "What...what is this? I don't know, but I likes it! I likes it a lot! Power! Glory! Experience points! Finally! I am Level 31! Ah-hah! I have beat you, Yezo!"  
  
"I...don't believe it," Freya began, gazing around the circle of dead Tonberrys, rapidly vanishing. "They've proved themselves useful! And it only took eleven chapters. Well, I suppose it's better than if they had instantly surpassed us all in power, skill, good looks, and charisma, and gone on to defeat Kuja single-handedly, but not before teaching him the power of love."  
  
"Yeah, that's something," Amarant agreed, stalking past and then out of sight again. "See ya."  
  
"But...but...oh, whatever," she sighed. Then she turned to Bezo and Yezo, who were skipping merrily around, collecting the gil scattered about on the floor. "Can we move along, please?"  
  
"I got experience! I got experience!" Bezo sang, cuddling his twig.  
  
"I'm Level 32 now!" Yezo announced, peeling herself from the floor and wiping from her shoe the remnants of the Tonberry that she had slain by tripping over it.  
  
"The stupid ones always stumble upon victory," Freya sighed, shaking her head.  
  
"Uh...don't the stupid ones always die?" Bezo asked, scratching his head.  
  
"If there were justice in the world, yes," she replied wearily.  
  
Bezo shrugged, and then sighed mournfully.  
  
"Why am I always one step behind her?" he demanded of Fate, gesturing to Yezo who was still in the process of poking the remains of the unmoving Tonberry, and wondering sadly why nothing wanted to be her friend. At this question, she glanced up.  
  
"It's 'cause I've got a longer stride."  
  
"Is that a short joke?" Bezo demanded, glaring up at her. Keep in mind, everyone, that she is still on the ground.  
  
"No!" she hastened to assure him. Then, after pondering this for a moment, "well, maybe a little." Another pause. "Yeah, it is."  
  
"Hmph! Well, Masamune loves and respects me!"  
  
The twig raised its leafy eyebrow incredulously. 'What are you thinking?' it thought to itself. Or would have, were it not a twig and thus quite inanimate.  
  
"I love you!" Yezo assured him, cuddling him and, with her free hand, gently lowering the twig to the ground.  
  
"I love you, too! Let's never fight again," Bezo suggested, shiny-eyed.  
  
"Wonderful," Freya commented boredly. "They've come to an agreement. Maybe now, we can continue with the plot."  
  
"Let's leave the twig here," Yezo suggested.  
  
"DIE, BITCH!" he howled, shoving her away and clutching the twig protectively.  
  
"Let's get a move-on, shall we?" Freya sighed, once again relegated to the voice of reason and resenting it rather strongly. 'Why can't I occasionally be unreasonable?!' she demanded silently. 'Why can't I go insane, bug my eyes out, and waggle my tongue back and forth, making absurd noises?!'  
  
In her mind, Amarant walked up to her, raised an eyebrow suggestively (not that anyone could have seen it), and said, "Y'know, if you really wanna waggle your tongue around..."  
  
She sighed happily. Then reality dawned on her once again. The next sigh would not be so happy.  
  
  
  
Meanwhile, elsewhere, people were doing other things. This story is not about them, however, and so this is really beside the point.  
  
  
  
Meanwhile, elsewhere, Zidane, Dagger, Vivi, and Steiner were doing absolutely nothing, as they had come to a dead end, and could not figure out for the life of them how to get that bloody wall out of the way.  
  
"I just don't know what to do with this wall anymore," Zidane announced, annoyed.  
  
"You could knock!" Dagger suggested.  
  
"You could pound it!" Steiner suggested.  
  
"You could kick it!" Vivi suggested.  
  
"Yeah!" Blank exclaimed exultantly. "Kick its ass!"  
  
"Blank!" Zidane frowned severely at his long-time pal. "You're not here!"  
  
"Oh, yeah! Geez!" Blank laughed before disappearing in a puff of smoke.  
  
"This is a strange castle," Steiner lamented.  
  
"Yeah, we know!" Zidane told him. "So, what do we do about this wall?"  
  
"Knock on it!" Dagger reiterated.  
  
Zidane knocked. Nothing.  
  
"Pound it!" Steiner howled.  
  
Zidane pounded accordingly. Nothing.  
  
"Kick its ass! Kick its ass!" Vivi insisted, bouncing up and down in a frightening lapse of characterization.  
  
Zidane kicked and kicked, before wondering to himself exactly what part of the wall could be termed the 'ass.'  
  
"It's just not working," he huffed. "I may have to...try something drastic."  
  
Vivi, Dagger, and Steiner gasped.  
  
"Not...SOMETHING DRASTIC!"  
  
"Something drastic," Zidane replied, hitching up his belt.  
  
He backed up, motioned for everyone to get out of the way, and then charged toward the door, howling his battle cry of "FREEDOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-!!!!!!"  
  
The 'm' of 'freedom' was effectively cut off as shoulder connected with wall in a way that shook the very foundations of the castle.  
  
  
  
"What the hell was that?!" Bezo demanded.  
  
"I don't know," an approaching Tonberry replied, "but it shook the very foundations of the castle!"  
  
"Time for Level 33!" Bezo announced jubilantly, diving at the creature.  
  
  
  
  
  
"Ow..." Zidane whimpered against the freezing stone of the floor. "Did it work?"  
  
"Nein," Stiener sighed, waving frantically to clear away the cloud of dust, and then grabbing the youth and hauling him to his feet.  
  
"Ten!" Vivi added brightly. Upon observing everyone's puzzled gazes, he shrank back into his cloak. "I thought that's what we were playing..."  
  
"I don't know how the hell I'm ever gonna beat this stupid wall!" Zidane exclaimed mournfully. "Gah! Maybe Amarant's onto something. Maybe there's just no point in trying."  
  
With that, he leaned up against the wall, crossing his arms petulantly.  
  
As the wall gave way, spinning about and depositing him in a secret room, he reflected smugly that the wall had fallen for the ol' trick. Exactly what this ol' trick was escaped him utterly, but one must remember that it is the thought that counts.  
  
"Zidane!" Dagger called, worried, as the wall spun about and the young man disappeared from view.  
  
"I'm okay!" came the muffled reply. "Aw, geez! All that for an Ether?!" A hefty sigh. "Okay, everyone, stand aside. I'm gonna come back through now."  
  
A pause. Dagger and Steiner exchanged nervous glances. Vivi merely looked on with huge yellow eyes.  
  
"Zidane?" Dagger ventured. "Are you coming back now?"  
  
"I'm trying," he replied, annoyed.  
  
"I...don't suppose it would work to knock on the wall," Steiner sighed.  
  
"Or to pound it," Dagger added sadly.  
  
"Or to kick its ass," Vivi put in.  
  
"No, no, and...Vivi, walls do NOT have asses, okay?!"  
  
"O-okay..."  
  
"Well, guys," the wall spoke up in Zidane's voice. "I think I'm gonna have to try something drastic again."  
  
With three gasps of horror of varying pitch, Vivi, Dagger and Steiner stepped away from the wall, a very wise self-preservation technique. The next second after that, a muffled howl that vaguely resembled 'FREEDOOOOOOOOOOOOO-" rang out through the castle, and another second after that, the very foundations of the castle found themselves shaken again.  
  
  
  
"Dangit!" Foundation Billy-Bob said to Foundation Jimmy-Joe. "We dun be shakin' again, I reckon."  
  
"Yyyyup," Foundation Jimmy-Joe agreed.  
  
  
  
As the dust began to settle once again, Steiner, Dagger, and Vivi, who was really beginning to reconsider his decision to wear his contacts that day - until it occurred to him that he hadn't worn them, as he didn't have any - stared anxiously at the wall. Alas, there was no sign of Zidane.  
  
"Ow..." the wall whimpered. Or at least, the boy behind the wall.  
  
"Zidane!" Dagger exclaimed impatiently. "Just do what you did last time!"  
  
"But I can't REMEMBER what I did last time!" the wall whined. "And y'know what? I don't care! Hmph!"  
  
Apparently, though, he had stumbled upon the actions that had proven successful once already, for the next instant, the wall spun about at a blinding speed, and Zidane shot across the room, at which point he collided head-first with the wall across from the spinning one.  
  
"Ow..." he whimpered again as Steiner rushed over to peel him from the cold, hard, and very stony stone.  
  
Then, once he was set properly back on his feet, a soft snicker floated toward him. He gazed reproachfully at the beautiful young love of his life.  
  
"Dagger! Quit laughing at me!"  
  
"Sorry," she said, suppressing her laughter with great difficulty. This plan, of course, lasted all of ten seconds, before she erupted once again into a fit of laughter.  
  
"Never mind," Zidane pouted. "Let's just go find those collector Elvis plates before Amarant can get 'em."  
  
With a stunning display of synchronized shrugging, Steiner, Vivi, and Dagger followed Zidane across the hall, decorated grandly with upside-down tapestries, inside-out carpets, and the like, to a small elevator-like contraption.  
  
"Goin' up," Zidane announced with a chuckle as the lift creaked and shuddered to life.  
  
  
  
"Great," Amarant commented, staring helplessly at the four mirrors stuck into the wall. "I found them. Now what?"  
  
'You could...take them,' a voice that sounded oddly like Wakko suggested.  
  
"Why would I want to do that?" Amarant scoffed. "If I took them, I'd have to carry them all the way back."  
  
'Amarant, Amarant, Amarant,' Wacko sighed.  
  
"Shut up, Wakko!"  
  
"Uh...what was that?" Zidane inquired mildly, sauntering into the room. "Oh, hey, Amarant. So, who's Wakko?"  
  
"Shut up, Zidane. Well. Now that you're here, I can get started rubbing it in your face that I found the plates - mirrors - first, and you can get started doubting your own self-worth and your entire value system."  
  
"Eh, okay," Zidane agreed easily, turning to leave the room and nearly colliding with Steiner as he stepped off of the lift, Vivi tucked under one arm, and offering a hand to Dagger. "Could you grab those mirror-thingies for me, man?"  
  
"U-um, Steiner," Vivi spoke up, "can you put me down?"  
  
"Hey, hold it!" Amarant called after Zidane. "You can't leave! You have to grit your teeth at your own failure here! Oh, screw you! I'm leaving!"  
  
With that, the severely annoyed redhead stormed from the room and onto the lift, which quickly sank out of sight.  
  
"Uh...okay," Zidane said slowly, one eyebrow raised. "That was...weird."  
  
"Poor Amarant," Dagger sighed. "I think he's going slowly crazy."  
  
"Eh, probably," Zidane shrugged. "Now, let's go get those mirrors and get out of here!"  
  
"A-men!" Steiner exclaimed fervently as the blond made his way over to the wall on which the four mirrors were mounted.  
  
"'My power is protected by something...really wet,'" Zidane read as he grabbed one mirror and flipped it over to read the inscription. He frowned. "I don't know, guys, but that kind of sounds like water, to me."  
  
The sound of three simultaneous sweatdrops filled the air as Zidane reached for the next mirror.  
  
"'My power is protected by something all dusty and dirty and icky.' Hmm...they're getting trickier, but I'd have to say earth."  
  
He reached for the third.  
  
"'My power is protected by something really hot. It burns! It burns!'" Zidane blinked. "What?! That could be ANYTHING!"  
  
With a shake of his head, he slipped the third mirror carefully into his pack with the other two, and then reached for the fourth.  
  
"'When you lie alone at night and hear a song outside your window, and a feathered wing gently lulls you to sleep, I shall be there,'" he read. "Oh! Wind, of course!"  
  
He turned and hopped off the platform.  
  
"Great! Well, now that we have them, we can get going!"  
  
As they made a more to leave, though...  
  
"Intruder alert! The power flow has been disturbed!" a loud, mechanical- sounding voice boomed.  
  
"Aw, geez!" Zidane exclaimed as a very large, very intimidating, if rather...flat monster popped out of the floor to make mincemeat of the party. 


	12. What, Do I Have to Freaking Drop it in H...

Chapter 12 - What, Do I Have to Freaking Drop it in her Lap?  
  
  
  
Before this chapter begins, Yezo has a few words: Rutabaga! Puppy! Quack! Bunny! Ice cream!  
  
Bezo has some, too: Pizza! Umbrella! Death! Masamune! Sephiroth!  
  
Yezo has some more words: stop it, Bezo!  
  
  
  
And now, on with the story.  
  
  
  
When we last left our staunch heroes, they were staring death in the face. Death was fairly breathing down their necks. The front, that is. And good lord, death needed a mint!  
  
"What're we gonna do?" Zidane whined. "I don't wanna fight any more stupid bosses!"  
  
"Who-are-you-calling-stupid?" Taharka demanded, quite offended.  
  
"We still have to fight Kuja," Steiner reminded Zidane, quite ignoring the paper-thin boss thingy.  
  
"Kuja? He's not a boss - he's a wimp!"  
  
"Very true," Dagger put in, "but I would like to know how he gets his hair so soft and shiny."  
  
"Head and Shoulders," Kuja announced from somewhere else entirely.  
  
"Head and Shoulders?" Zidane repeated, scratching his head. "But you don't have dandruff, Kuja!"  
  
"I know," Kuja announced proudly, a fair, immaculately manicured hand appearing mysteriously through a warp-hole and giving a ridiculously cheesy thumbs-up.  
  
"Oh, man, Kuja's powerful!" Zidane exclaimed, watching this in awe. "I'm scared! Hold me, Dagger!"  
  
"Um...boss?!" Dagger reminded him frantically.  
  
"Fine, fine, we'll fight the boss," the betailed young man sighed. "Geez, Dagger, you're so bossy!"  
  
"I am not bossy!" Dagger exclaimed, crossing her arms and hmphing. "I am domineering! But I'm a queen, so that's okay!"  
  
"Queen?" Kuja repeated from somewhere. "That's a good idea!"  
  
With that, the opening measures of 'We Will Rock You' rang out through the room.  
  
"How odd," Steiner commented, scratching his head.  
  
"We're not gonna have to fight Kuja right now, are we?" Zidane whined.  
  
"You've got bigger things to worry about," Taharka announced ominously. "I am the Guardian of the Plates. Mirrors! Damnit! Okay, can we take this scene again? I'm gonna go back into the floor, you guys grab the mirrors again, we'll do the fight, it'll be cool. Alright?"  
  
Zidane, Dagger, Steiner, and Vivi watched in confusion as Taharka bent down and swung open a humungous trapdoor in the floor, then climbed inside.  
  
"So, as soon as I'm in, you're gonna take the plates, right? Just...just...wait a second," he requested, grabbing either side of the trapdoor. "Just give me three seconds, then grab the plates..."  
  
The doors swung shut, and the next moment, the sound of one paper-thin guardian of the plates - mirrors humming innocently could be heard through the floors.  
  
"Hey," Zidane muttered aside to Steiner, "has anyone else noticed that we've already got the mirrors?"  
  
"Y-yeah," Vivi agreed.  
  
"Great! Let's go!"  
  
And so the four adventurers turned and left.  
  
"Um.guys?" the voice floated up from the floor. "Did you grab the mirrors yet?"  
  
No answer.  
  
"Guys? Guys? I'm coming out soon! I've got a busy schedule, and I can't really wait around all day like this!"  
  
Silence.  
  
"Okay, three more seconds, and I'm coming out! Three...two...one...I'm coming out now!"  
  
The trapdoor in the floor lifted, and Taharka burst out.  
  
"Roar!" he roared most fiercely. When a quick glance about the room showed it to be empty, he sighed. "Well, isn't this wonderful. They've buggered off! What'll I do now? I need to take the incredible rage welling up within my paper-thin soul upon someone! But who?" he said matter-of-factly.  
  
"The hiiiiiiiiiiiills are aliiiiiiiiive with the sound of musiiiiiiiic..." a voice sang from out in the hallway in a beautiful, ringing operatic tone.  
  
"Would you clear off, #32? I'm trying to concentrate, and I'd appreciate it if you'd find somewhere else to practice!" Taharka called down the lift to the little green cleric.  
  
"Sorry!" the same voice called back. "My bad!"  
  
"Thank-you! Now, who shall I destroy?" Taharka mused. "Hmm...if only someone would wander by unsuspecting of the evils that lie in wait. That'd be great...I'd kill them good."  
  
He chuckled wickedly, then sighed sadly.  
  
"That just ain't gonna happen."  
  
And, it appeared, he was right. Or so it seemed. Appeared, as it were.  
  
Until the gears of the lift creaked into motion. Once the platform reached the top, two anachronistic authors and a rat stepped into the room...unsuspectingly.  
  
"Ching!" said the little 'revenge' signs as they flashed into Taharka's eyes. So he WOULD have someone to take out his anger on! Woot!  
  
  
  
It is at this point that we rejoin Amarant.  
  
"Damnit! I've fallen, and I can't get up! Damn Tonberry..."  
  
  
  
"Tells me not to sing, eh?" Tonberry #32 muttered rebelliously as he strode off in the other direction, dusting his hands off. "I showed that Rasta- Chicken!"  
  
  
  
At this point, Zidane and Co. joined Quina and 'ko (Eiko, that is...heh-heh- heh...) outside the castle.  
  
"Hey, where's Amarant?" Zidane demanded, noticing that the landscape was slightly less red than it should have been, and the air slightly less grumpy, and less things being leaned against than should have been. "And Freya, for that matter? And...where are those other two idiots?" At this point, noticing something, he fixed Eiko and Quina with a suspicious glance. "Did you summon Madeen on them?" he asked Eiko sternly.  
  
"No..." she assured him, her grin widening.  
  
"Did you eat them?" Zidane asked Quina.  
  
"No..." Quina replied. His grin may have widened, but let's face it - how could anyone tell?  
  
"Some other random horrible fate didn't befall them, did it?"  
  
Both grins stretched out even farther, far beyond the confines of their faces.  
  
"Yup," Zidane confirmed for himself, sighing in dismay. "Well, I guess I'd better go back for them."  
  
With that, he turned and started back up the staircase to the entrance of Ipsen's Castle. Just as he was about to open the massive double doors, though, they swung open, seemingly of their own accord and flattened the Genome...who, oddly enough, as it is not the first time he has been referred to as such, did not know yet that he was a Genome.  
  
"Ow..." he groaned, trying to peel himself from the wall but failing miserably as there was still a door pinning him in place.  
  
"You are both beyond stupid!" Zidane heard Freya exclaim. 'Ah,' he thought. 'Bezo and Yezo must be with her. Dammit! Why couldn't those two have died a most painful death, or something?'  
  
"This isn't all my fault!" Yezo protested piteously. "That sign on the door saying 'Enter Only if You Seek a Most Painful Death' could have meant ANYTHING!"  
  
"Oh, shut up!" Freya requested gently. "You just HAD to chase your bunny in there, and YOU just HAD to chase her tail in there, and then you both just HAD to unleash that paper monster upon us, covering us all in paper cuts!"  
  
"It was more Bezo's fault than mine! He was the one who started poking that trapdoor and telling the thing that lived inside that it was too sissy to come out and kill us!" Yezo said. To Zidane's best estimation, anyway. After all, this door was still blocking his view...maybe he should do something about that...  
  
"I don't care what you say, Yezo, this is your fault!" Bezo's angry voice rang out. "Maybe if you had a real weapon, like the might blade of Masamune, instead of that stupid tail, we wouldn't have gotten in so much trouble!"  
  
"It's a twig!" Yezo and Freya shouted together.  
  
"Women. They don't know a twig from a mighty blade of Masamune. Oh, well. They should be in the kitchen, anyway."  
  
'Oh, you idiot,' Zidane reflected smugly, quite glad that someone would soon have it worse than he currently did.  
  
"Tidal Flame!" he shouted, nodding in satisfaction as the door erupted into millions of tiny pieces that showered merrily down upon the scene before him.  
  
And a curious scene it was.  
  
Bezo was in quite a state, indeed. He was lying on the ground, looking as bewildered as the spear shoved into his ear, the summoner's staff up his left nostril, the flute up his right, and a tail wrapped tightly around his neck would let him  
  
'Poor bastard,' Zidane thought. The intensity of the thought increased ten- fold as Yezo set off down the stairs, seeming to get along with at least a few of the other team members for the first, last, and only time as she, Dagger, Eiko, and Freya chatted animatedly about what jerks men were. However, unfortunately for Bezo, with Yezo's tail still wrapped around his neck, not only was he strangled rather uncomfortably, he was also dragged down the steps, his cranium bumping painfully off the hard stone as he went.  
  
"Ow! My craniosity! Now I can't be an intellectualizing labourhino!" he whimpered. "Would it help if I said I was sorry?"  
  
"I don't believe you!" Yezo snipped back, using her tail to slam his head down against the steps several more times.  
  
Shaking his head, Zidane turned and started back into the castle. After all, Amarant still remained to be found...and besides which, he didn't really want to stick around to observe the carnage that would undoubtedly occur when Bezo brought into use the phrase "barefoot and pregnant."  
  
'I wonder what exactly an intellectualizing labourhino is,' Zidane mused as he stepped out of the blinding sun and back into the dim light of the castle. 'Maybe Amarant'll know...but first I've gotta find him. Dangit. Way to wander off, you big idiot! Uh...I hope he didn't hear that. He'd probably pound me good for saying it. Oh, well. Off I go.'  
  
And so Zidane skipped merrily off into the next room, humming that damn song Dagger got stuck in his head all those times, but with a snazzy acid jazz beat, snapping his fingers jauntily as he went.  
  
Suddenly, a pained groan echoed throughout the room.  
  
"Whoever that is," a pained voice growled, "please shut up before I kill myself. And you," it added for emphasis.  
  
"Oh, hey, Amarant!" Zidane chirped, bounding down the ladder and skipping along a beam until he saw a mass of red dreadlocks looming in the distance. "What happened to you, anyway?"  
  
"That damn Tonberry happened to me," the bounty hunter sighed. "Apparently, it had a grudge with everyone. Oh, well. Give me a hand, would you, kid?"  
  
"Sure, man. So, how did you get pasted by a Tonberry, anyway?"  
  
"Shut up."  
  
"Well, if you're gonna be that way, then maybe I'll just leave," Zidane said warningly.  
  
"Remember, I can still throw things, and I've got a sharp chunk of granite here with your name on it. See? Right there."  
  
"Oh, yeah," Zidane agreed, eyebrows lifting in surprise as he noticed 'Zidane' carved into the smooth black stone.  
  
"I carved it with my claw," Amarant informed him coolly. "I had a lot of time. Just know that I'll do the same to you if you don't help me stand."  
  
Zidane shrugged. Probably best to listen. Then, as he helped the older man to stand and gave him a potion and a mug of frosty ale for good measure, a little wooden...thing fell to the stone surface of the beam thingy.  
  
"Hey, what's that?" the blond youth wondered, reaching for it.  
  
"Nothing," Amarant hastened to assure him, snatching it up.  
  
"C'mon, let me see it!"  
  
"Piss off."  
  
"What is that, a horse or something?" Zidane inquired, tugging it back.  
  
"It's a rat. With a spear."  
  
Zidane stared at him, askance.  
  
Amarant shrugged.  
  
"What?" he demanded.  
  
"Uh...why did you make that?"  
  
"I like rats," the redhead admitted. "With spears."  
  
"I'm gonna tell Freya," Zidane announced, grinning.  
  
"No, you're not," Amarant corrected, gripping him by the throat and brandishing his block of granite menacingly.  
  
"Or...or I could just forget I ever saw it," Zidane suggested. "Come to think of it, saw what?"  
  
"Better."  
  
With that, Zidane found himself tossed aside into a wall.  
  
"You've got a serious gratitude problem, pal," he called to Amarant, who was already stalking angrily away.  
  
"Thanks," he called, turning back. "I try."  
  
  
  
"Next order of business," Steiner announced when the group was finally all reassembled outside the airship.  
  
"Let's gang-beat Bezo for making fun of women!" Eiko suggested excitedly.  
  
"We haven't the time to waste!" Steiner informed her, annoyed.  
  
"And I don't understand what you chicks are so excited about, anyway," Bezo admitted, halting the ritualistic motions needed to refine his twig- wielding techniques. "Is it that time of the month for all four of you? And by the way, Mr. Narrator, it's NOT a twig!"  
  
Twig.  
  
"Not a twig!"  
  
Twig.  
  
"Not a twig!"  
  
Twig.  
  
"Not a twig, damnit!"  
  
Can we get on with the story, please?  
  
"Fine," Bezo muttered sulkily, just in time to get his butt kicked by the same four angry girls.  
  
An hour later, as Dagger was walking away from the bloodied and battered form of Bezo, something struck her in the back of the head.  
  
"Ow!" she shrieked, whirling about to glare furiously at Bezo. "How dare you fight back?!"  
  
"Wha's going on?" Bezo asked weakly. "Who am I?"  
  
"That ruffian threw this at me!" Dagger exclaimed tearfully. "Kill it, Steiner!"  
  
"What on earth is it, anway?" Steiner mused, bending to pick up the small package that had dropped to the ground next to the young woman.  
  
"Acutally, I meant THAT thing," Dagger informed him, pointing at Bezo.  
  
But Steiner's mind was elsewhere.  
  
"I think this might have some special properties!"  
  
"Smells old," Zidane noted, wrinkling his nose.  
  
"Could this be..." Steiner began, eyes shining, "the Ancient Aroma?"  
  
"Whatever it is," Zidane spoke up, "let's steal it!"  
  
"Let's shake our fists furiously at it!" Steiner suggested eagerly.  
  
"No! We should heal it!" Dagger announced.  
  
"Only after we jump on it!" Freya added.  
  
"Burn it first!" Vivi chirped, bouncing happily up and down. "Burn! Burn! Burn!"  
  
"NO! Quina eat!" someone protested. We shall leave it to the reader to decide who.  
  
"You eat it, and I'll throw you so far, you hit it," Amarant informed him menacingly.  
  
"Maybe I can summon something from it," Eiko mused.  
  
"Can I cuddle it?" Yezo asked, head cocked to the side. "Oh, it's not a bunny. Never mind.  
  
With that, she went back to chasing her butterfly.  
  
"Noooooooooooo! You use it to make Odin do some freaking damage!" a voice proclaimed from the heavens. "Because Odin needs to do damage! Odin is sick of missing!"  
  
"Are you Odin?" Vivi shouted up at the sky.  
  
"No, it's Carbuncle," the voice shouted back. "Odin's crying in the corner. And I think Bahamut's stealing his hat and drinking beer out of it!"  
  
"Bahamut's really gone down-hill, hasn't he?" Dagger commented sadly.  
  
"Hey, if you'd been responsible for destroying Alexandria, you'd be depressed, too!" Carbuncle replied. "There's a reason he's been driven to the bottle."  
  
"O-oh," Dagger said weakly. "Well, uh, best of luck to him, and thanks for the Ancient Aroma."  
  
"Hmph!" Eiko commented smugly. "None of MY Eidolons are hooked on the booze."  
  
"And now, I've gotta go hit the bar!" Carbuncle proclaimed jubilantly. "It's been seven minutes since I had a drink, and beginning to get a little shaky. And Bahamut's catching up! Oh, you're goin' down, King B!"  
  
"Oh, well," Eiko sighed.  
  
Vivi took her hand comfortingly.  
  
"Awwwwwww," said everyone, even Bezo's twig and Yezo's butterfly.  
  
Eiko glared at their impromptu audience.  
  
"Shut up!" 


	13. To Nobuo!

Chapter 13 - It's Steiner-Bashin' Time! With a Side Order of Odin- Bashin'...Which is More Like a Main Course of Odin-Bashin', with, like, a Carrot Stick of Steiner-Bashin' to Help Whet your Appetite Before the Real...Eh, Screw It - This Title's Too Long. Let's Just Call It 'To Nobuo!'  
  
  
  
"Dagger!" Zidane whined some hours later as the Hilda Garde III sailed triumphantly through the sky, bursting right through clouds and large birds alike. But, as Sailor Erin always said, if the birds couldn't be bothered to move, it was their own fault if they got hit. A bird could manoeuvre itself a lot more easily than she could manoeuvre an airship. "Are we there yet? I'm bored!"  
  
Dagger sighed. Not again...  
  
"Well, Zidane, we're about five minutes closer to the water shrine than we were when you asked me FIVE MINUTES AGO!"  
  
Zidane sighed.  
  
"Oh, okay," he pouted. "I guess I'd better get everyone rounded up to draw straws..."  
  
"Have fun, Zidane," Dagger said absently, already absorbed in polishing the pretty round jewel thingy on the top of her staff. After all, one couldn't go about killing monsters with a dirty weapon! Even monsters deserved that much respect!  
  
"HEY, EVERYONE!" Zidane howled at the top of his voice. "BE ROUNDED!"  
  
"Zidane!" Sailor Erin admonished. "Do you mind? You're distracting me from my thinking about Seifer!"  
  
"MINE!" a voice informed her sternly, right before a sharp breeze lifted up her skirt, revealing her Sailor Moon underpants.  
  
"Wow..." said Zidane, his gaze drawn like a moth to a flame.  
  
"Pow!" said Dagger's fist as it embedded itself in Zidane's face.  
  
"Ow!" said Zidane as he peeled himself off of the floor.  
  
"Now," Dagger began as she returned to the polishing of her staff. Here, she was interrupted.  
  
"How now, brown cow?" Captain Bob Vious giggled.  
  
"Oh, shut up!" Erin exclaimed, blushing brightly as she kept her skirt down with one hand and smacked Captain Bob Vious upside the head with the other. "And by the way, you are no longer a captain! You are Crew Member once more!"  
  
"Noooooooooooo!" Crew Member sobbed. "Crew Members don't get chicks! At least as a Captain, I had power, and...and...stuff!"  
  
"Be gone from my sight, Ensign Crew Member!" Erin commanded heartlessly.  
  
Crew Member ran from the room, his face buried in his hands, anime tear- jets shooting out from the sides of his head, forced into streams by the pressure of his hands, smashing an extended hole in the wall on either side of the hall from the sheer water pressure.  
  
"Would you stop crying before you kill us all?!" Amarant bellowed from another room, throwing a block of granite, Zidane's name carved into it, through the wall and at Crew Member's head.  
  
"That was a little unnecessary," Freya informed him.  
  
"Everyone's mean to me!" Crew Member whimpered before promptly losing consciousness.  
  
"Now, before I was so rudely interrupted," Dagger began, only to be so rudely interrupted once more.  
  
"I thought I was calling the meeting to order," Zidane frowned, quite hurt.  
  
"Who exactly made you the leader?" she demanded. "Are you a princess? Don't answer that," she finished, cutting off his attempts to speak. "I don't want to hear about the time you had to play Princess Buttercup again!"  
  
"Fine," Zidane muttered sulkily.  
  
"And are you a queen?" Dagger continued with a smug grin. "Who else here is a queen?"  
  
"I am!" a voice proclaimed from outside the airship, punctuated by the starting of 'We Will Rock You.'  
  
"You stay out of this, Kuja!" Dagger commanded.  
  
"Yeah!" Zidane added. "We're comin' to kill you, and we don't wanna deal with you until then!"  
  
A well-placed glare from the young Alexandrian ruler immediately silenced Zidane, Sailor Erin, Crew Member, Amarant, Freya, the mysterious bringer of the wind, and anyone who may have felt like piping up at that moment.  
  
"You be quiet! All of you! Now, AS I was saying before I was interrupted...again-"  
  
"Hey, guys, I'm Odin! Whazzup?!" a cheerful voice exclaimed as the pounding of hooves...in air...thundered past.  
  
"Wow..." Erin breathed. "Is that the Mythical Odin-Hat?"  
  
"This is my head," Odin informed her.  
  
"AAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGGHHH!!!!!!!!!!" Dagger howled with all the agony and severe annoyance of the ages echoing in her scream. "I said, 'before I was interrupted,' NOT 'Tzeublooky (tm)!'"  
  
"Sorry!" Odin called. "In my last life, I was used to coming whenever I felt like it. Kinda like Phoenix."  
  
"Wow...that explains a lot," Zidane mused, remembering with great fondness the firebird.and the eidolon who drove it.  
  
"Go away Odin!! You come when you're not called, you miss when you are called, your horse is ugly and quite frankly you're nothing to write home about yourself. You're a sucky eidolon!" Dagger said, her delicate psyche becoming horribly unglued.  
  
"Wh-what?" Odin whimpered, tears beginning to form a sheen over his eyes. "Odin doesn't need this! Odin's goin' back to his Cool Hat Land!"  
  
With that, he urged his horse into a gallop, and the sound of his sobbing drifted away.  
  
Dagger watched him go, blinking.  
  
"Well!" she chirped brightly. "If there are no further interruptions-"  
  
"Hey, is this a bad time to-"  
  
"YES!" Dagger snarled at the newcomer, a young man with spiky blond hair and an enormous sword strapped to his back.  
  
With a shrug, Cloud turned and started to the railing of the Hilda Garde III, preparing to leap back onto the deck of the Highwind.  
  
"Okay. I just wanted to know if you knew the way to Sephiroth."  
  
"Man, are you off-course," Bezo chuckled, shaking his head. "Sephiroth's not even IN this universe! How did you end up here, anyway?"  
  
"I think we took the wrong left at Chocobo Forest," Cloud sighed.  
  
Bezo put a comforting hand on his shoulder.  
  
"Look, it's okay. Just go back to Squaresoft and find Nobuo. He'll be in a box on the third floor, living in abject slavery until he is needed to compose beautiful music. He'll send you back to where you're supposed to be. He has magical powers, in addition to being the best composer ever!"  
  
Cloud frowned.  
  
"Uh...kay. Did you understand a word of that?" he asked Yezo, who had sidled up beside her boyfriend.  
  
"I never do," she replied with a sigh. "By the way," she began, holding out an autograph pad.  
  
"No, I am NOT going to get you Sephiroth's autograph!" Cloud cut her off.  
  
"Um...okay," she agreed. "How about Barret's and Yuffie's and Puppy- Wuppy's? There the coolest..."  
  
"Look," Bezo began, nudging Yezo out of the way, all business for the first and last time ever, "just go find Nobuo. Dagger's gonna get really pissy if she doesn't get to talk soon."  
  
"Gotcha, man. Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. Unless it's a woman stabbed through the chest by a sword-wielding psychopath," Cloud said sagely. "Remember that."  
  
And with these words of wisdom, he leapt back to his ship.  
  
"Can we [beep]in' get outta here already?" someone with a throaty rasp of a voice, possibly from years of smoking, demanded.  
  
"..." Vincent didn't say, because he didn't.  
  
"Alright, Cid, alright," Cloud's reply drifted back to the Hilda Garde III. "To Nobuo!"  
  
  
  
"One more person, or universe interrupts me, and I WILL DESTROY THEM!!!" Dagger bellowed. "WITH BAHAMUT!" She clutched her chest for a moment, breathing harshly. Then, when it seemed that it would be safe, she began. "Now! Hmm...come to think of it, I don't really have anything to say," she laughed sheepishly.  
  
"Hmph!" Zidane smirked. "Who's the 'almighty leader' NOW?"  
  
"Shut up, Zidane," Dagger pouted, cuddling her little toy dragon, Chibi- Bahamut.  
  
'Aw,' he thought adoringly. 'She still has the little toy I won her at that carnival we stopped at! How can I stay mad at her? She has a really nice rack!'  
  
At this point, the little plot-fairies appeared and started kicking Zidane repeatedly in the head. Not that they wanted a plot to be underway...kicking Zidane in the head was just a lot of fun. It was a popular sport among the fairies, plot or otherwise. Come to think of it, it was popular among everyone else, too, as is evidenced by what happened next.  
  
"Ow!" Zidane exclaimed. "Dagger, why did you kick me in the head?"  
  
"Because it's fun!" she replied as though nothing could have been more obvious. "And besides, you were staring at my chest again."  
  
"It's like a moth to a flame! Except the flame is your boobs, and the moth is my eyes. It's a metaphor for the human condition."  
  
"Maybe the eidolons were onto something when they started eliminating all humans," Dagger sighed. Then she frowned. "Zidane...have you noticed that we seem to be the only two assembled?"  
  
  
  
At this point, the camera people decided that Zidane and Dagger were too boring, and decided to see what the rest of the group was up to.  
  
Strip poker, if Steiner's current state was any indication. Random bits of armor littered the ground around him and he sat hunched over in his chair, acutely and miserably conscious of the fact that he was currently clad only in his tin hat thing, and a pair of heart-patterned boxer shorts, a gift from his beloved Beatrix the last Valentine's Day they had spent together. She had thought them hilarious, and quite apt, when she had noticed the words printed over the fly, 'Home of the Whopper.'  
  
And now that we have made more Steiner fangirls, we feel it as good a time as any to reveal that they were not, in fact, playing strip poker. Or poker of any description, for that matter.  
  
"Go fish," Eiko said.  
  
"Damn," Yuffie sighed, drawing a card from the pile. "Y'know, first all my friends accidentally leave me behind, and then I lose the game!"  
  
"Now you have to take off your shorts," Steiner spoke up.  
  
"Steiner," Amarant began, then stopped, shaking his head. "Never mind. It's not worth it."  
  
"It's not like I'm wearing a whole lot to begin with," Yuffie pouted. "So...you guys really don't have ANY Materia?"  
  
"We keep telling you," Freya began, somewhat less than patiently, "you'll have to explain what exactly this Materia is before we can tell you."  
  
"This!" Yuffie proclaimed, pulling out a shiny red marble-lookin' thing.  
  
"Oooh..." everyone chorused together. "Shiny..."  
  
"Hey, guys, I'm Odin!" the Materia informed them.  
  
"Odin?" Yuffie echoed, making a face. She turned to Vivi. "You want this?"  
  
"Nah," Vivi replied. "I'm saving up for Knights of the Round."  
  
She scowled at him.  
  
"You'll never get my Knights of the Round!"  
  
"You could just grow another one," he suggested mildly.  
  
"Then I'd have two!" she shot back snippily. "And I'd keep 'em both! Materia forever, sharing never! Materia forever, sharing never! Materia forever, sharing never!"  
  
"She's singing again," Amarant growled, curling his hands into fists.  
  
Freya placed a hand on his arm.  
  
"No, Amarant, you can NOT throw her so far she hits her own shadow."  
  
"I can sure as hell try," he averred, climbing to his feet and throwing his cards down on the table.  
  
"Hey! You said you had no threes!" Freya exclaimed, peering at his cards.  
  
"That's an 'e,'" he informed her, then looked again. "Oh, wait, it IS a three. Well, I'll be darned. Oh, well. Back to the task at hand. Prepare to fly, little singing-girl."  
  
"Uh...what?" Yuffie frowned, scratching her head and halting in the middle of her victory dance. "I am not just any singing-girl! I am a ninja! I'm tough!"  
  
With that, she began punching and kicking at nothing in particular, but very rapidly.  
  
"Heidegger ain't got nothin' on me!" she announced proudly.  
  
"Hit me!" Steiner called at that point. "Ow!" he whined as everyone in the room took turns smacking him upside the head. "Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Let me put my armour back on! Ow! I meant, give me a card!"  
  
"We aren't playing Blackjack," Yuffie said. "Hey, someone pass the Cheezies!"  
  
"The...whats?"  
  
"The Cheezies, Rasta-Man!"  
  
"Please, let's throw her off the ship," Amarant pleaded. "Maybe she'll land on her ship, and everything will be jolly!"  
  
"No, Amarant! No more throwing people!" Vivi said.  
  
"When have you ever stood up for yourself, you little runt?"  
  
"When I hit Level 100!" the little mage chirped, blasting Amarant with a Flare spell.  
  
"I shouldn't have joined the party so late," Amarant lamented, bleeding profusely and shooting Freya a thankful sort-of-smile as she rushed to his aid.  
  
"Speaking of parties," Yuffie began, grinning, "I wonder how mine's doing. I bet they feel really silly for forgetting me..."  
  
  
  
Yes, speaking of parties, indeed, Yuffie. Speaking of parties, the crew of the Highwind was having one at that very moment.  
  
"We got rid of Yuffie! We got rid of Yuffie! We got rid of Yuffie!" everyone sang, minus Vincent, as they performed a conga-line around the deck.  
  
"..." Vincent commented, sulking in a corner. It just wasn't the same on the Highwind without hearing retching noises drifting in from her special little spot, without hearing her bitching loudly and continuously about how much she hated flying. It seemed, though, that no one else shared these sentiments with him.  
  
"We got rid of Yuffie! We got rid of Yuffie! We got rid of Yuffie!"  
  
"Hey, guys!" Cloud exclaimed, breaking from the line. "I know! Let's blow something up to celebrate!"  
  
"Like what?" Tifa wondered. "Like those houses in Midgar?"  
  
"We are NOT goin' back ta Midgar!" Barret informed Cloud gently, gripping him by the throat.  
  
"I didn't suggest it," Cloud choked out, trying to pry the hand off of his neck.  
  
"Well, I can't hurt a girl!"  
  
"How nice for me," Cloud rasped, before pulling out his blonde wig and slapping it on his head. "How 'bout now?"  
  
Barret abruptly dropped him and doubled over with laughter.  
  
"You one pretty man," he commented, shaking his head.  
  
"Why don't we blow up Cactuars?" Red XIII suggested.  
  
Cid shook his head in disgust.  
  
"I hate Cactuars. They giggle, and they bounce around. They kinda remind me of Yuffie, come to think of it..."  
  
Vincent frowned. By Jove, he was right! Glancing furtively to either side, he carefully reach into the pocket of his cape, pulled out a little plushy Catuar doll, and stroked it lovingly. 'I think I'll name it Yuffie,' he thought.  
  
Red XIII scowled at Cid, not that anyone could tell.  
  
"Alright, then. Why don't we go fight sand worms on that beach where Cid blew himself up with a comet?"  
  
"I THOUGHT [beep]IN' REFLECT WOULD [beep]IN' REFLECT THE [beep]IN' COMET!" he howled.  
  
"Just no one bring up the Ultima incident," Cloud muttered aside to the group. "It is a good thing Phoenix was on the way to Don Corneo's place and passed the group right then."  
  
"So, sand worms it is!" Tifa agreed. "Let's use Knights of the Round!"  
  
"O-kay!" Cloud chirped brightly. "I love using Knights of the Round! Does everyone have their Knights of the Round?"  
  
"Let's check!" everyone exclaimed together, withdrawing their weapons.  
  
As they did, five hugely cheesy grins melted into puzzled frowns.  
  
"Um...that's a negatory in the Knights of the Round situation," Cid admitted sheepishly.  
  
"Yeah, for me, too," Tifa admitted.  
  
"Check your backpacks, then," Cloud suggested, annoyed and getting slightly worried.  
  
"That's a negatory on the backpack situation, too," Cid told him, his voice quivering slightly.  
  
"You don't even have your backpack," Cloud pointed out, a sweatdrop suspended at the side of his head.  
  
"W-well, Cloud, there isn't really a lot of point in checking," Tifa told him. "You see, we all gave our Materia - just to hold it - to...uh...well..."  
  
"To Yuffie?" Cloud finished for her while Vincent mouthed it silently, inwardly almost smirking with triumph.  
  
"She got your Materia. She got your Materia. She got your Materia. Now you gotta get her," he sang quietly, making the little Cactuar doll dance about merrily on the floor beside him.  
  
"Um...I guess we turn around and go get Yuffie?" Learner Pilot suggested hesitantly.  
  
"Yeah, yeah," Cloud grumbled. "To that ship we were on before!" He sighed, shaking his head. "It just doesn't have the short, snappy appeal of 'to Nobuo!' does it?"  
  
"Alright!" Learner Pilot exclaimed jubilantly, hitting the button. "Yaagh! We're taking off!" he shouted as the ship rose into the air.  
  
Cloud glared at him, annoyed.  
  
"Do you still have to do that?"  
  
Learner Pilot grinned sheepishly.  
  
"Well, to be honest, now it just feels like a catch-phrase."  
  
"Great," Cloud grumbled. "Another delay. Who suggested giving her the Materia, anyway?"  
  
With that, all eyes landed on Barret, looked away sheepishly.  
  
"Aw, shit."  
  
  
  
  
  
Chapter 13.5 - And Now, a Word From Our Sponsors!  
  
  
  
[The scene is, once again, a tavern. After all, what better place to attempt to sell products than one where everyone will be drunk, and thus, very free with their finances, leading them to buy any stupid thing we offer them? Er...anyway, Steiner and Beatrix are seated at the bar, each nursing humungous novelty-sized tankards of ale. Steiner picks up his tankard, preparing for the rush of beer, then frowns and sets his tankard down again.]  
  
Steiner: There is no beer in here! I drink fast!  
  
Beatrix: [Quickly hiding super-long moocher straw] Heh-heh-heh...  
  
[However, what Beatrix fails to notice is the extra-long moocher straw in HER beverage, the other end of it attached to the mouth of an evilly- cackling, and very drunk, Bahamut.]  
  
Bahamut: Heh-heh-heh...hic!  
  
[Enter a hot-looking specimen of femininity. Dressed in purple, with long, silver hair, she is quite a dish. She's got curves in all the right places, AND she wears a thong! Not only that, but she's winkin' at Steiner, who promptly forgets his empty beverage and starts to float after her on cartoon-like angel wings.  
  
Steiner: She is looking at me...? Oh! Rapture!  
  
[Steiner clasps his hands, his eyes going all wide and shiny. At this point, we cut to Beatrix, who is looking decidedly annoyed.  
  
Beatrix: Do you have this problem? Does this happen to you whenever you go out for a nice, romantic evening in a smoky, crowded, foul-mouthed bar, getting drunk off your ass? Can your man not keep his eyes of other womens'...eyes? [She meaningfully gestures to a set of something significantly below the eyes, and much more jiggly.] Well, you may not be able to reign in your man's hormones, but I think, with a little help, you'll be able to reign in your man.  
  
[She picks up a strap of leather lying next to her on the seat, and gives it a firm tug, pressing a red button on the end.]  
  
Beatrix: Come here!  
  
Steiner: Yaaaaaaaagh!  
  
[At this point, suffice it to say that Steiner's angel wings have disappeared, as the strap of leather was a leash, the other end of which was around Steiner's metal-covered neck, the metal of which made the electric shock that the little red button 'unleashed,' very painful, indeed.]  
  
Beatrix: You need the Man-Leash! Because sometimes, couples' therapy just isn't enough.  
  
[Beatrix growls over a memory, and the screen dissolves into a flashback. We see Beatrix and Steiner at a couples' counsellor's office, and Steiner is sitting, rather stunned, as the very pretty young counsellor bends over, allegedly to pick up her dropped pencil - apparently, word of Steiner's...er...legendary...ahem...sword (Excalibur II; completes the game in 12 hours) has got out. Unfortunately, Beatrix doesn't like to share - and, in a very low-cut blouse, this shows off much more than needs to be shown. Once again, the phrase "moth to a flame" seems to be appropriate.]  
  
Beatrix: Oh, yes. The 'Save the Queen' got a good workout that night. She's dead now. And in several pieces.  
  
[She blinks several times as an off screen cameraman reminds her that the camera is still rolling]  
  
Beatrix: Uh...anyway, the Man-Leash can change your life. And can end his. For the better! Hold on - that doesn't make sense. Who wrote this? Er, well, the Man-Leash! Buy it today! Put a charge back in your marriage. Operators are standing by.  
  
[She gestures to the other end of the bar, where Lani is sitting, her axe propped up against her barstool, and a red telephone in front of her. She is gradually working her way through an entire case of Noxema: Genuine Draft}  
  
Lani: My skin has never looked so smooth! Hic! Every time I look in the mirror, I look better n' better!  
  
[Lani falls off her stool]  
  
Beatrix: Um...right.  
  
[Meanwhile, the girl that Steiner was so fascinated with has gone up to the jukebox to request a song. Seconds later, Queen's 'We Will Rock You' echoes through the bar.]  
  
Steiner: Why does that sound so familiar...oh, Mein Gott.  
  
Beatrix: Don't feel bad, Steiner. Kuja IS the prettiest man ever, after all.  
  
[At the other end of the bar, Laguna sits there, and overhearing, pouts.]  
  
Laguna: I thought I was the prettiest man ever...  
  
[Fade out] 


	14. Hey, Look! It's Raining Birds!

Chapter 14 – Hey, Look! It's Raining Birds!

----------------------------------------------------

   "Are you two sure you'll be okay without any guys around?" Zidane asked anxiously.

Dagger shot him a freezing glare. Why hadn't the idiot disabled his Protect Girls ability before sending her and Eiko off alone?

   "Yes, Zidane, believe it or not, two girls with the ability to summon huge freaking deadly Eidolons should be okay without any men."

Zidane frowned suspiciously.

   "This isn't some sort of Girl Power thing, is it?"

   "Of course not!" Dagger exclaimed.

   "Oh, no, not I! I will survive!" Eiko bellowed at the top of her voice, bouncing around the room before finally coming to a halt at Dagger's side. "So, fellow sister goddess, are we going?"

   "Yes, Eiko, we're going now," Dagger sighed.

   "You're supposed to refer to me by my new name: Aphrodite Starhawk Moonmaker!"

   "I am _not_ calling you that," Dagger informed the younger girl flatly.

Eiko pouted. 

   "You got to change _your_ name in the middle of the story."

   "I was in disguise! I had a reason! It wasn't "Girl Power"!"

   "Hey, Girl Power is all the reason I need!"

   "Uh..." Zidane ventured timidly.

Eiko glared at him.

   "Be quiet, you oppressive man!"

   "Uh, sure. We've reached the Water Shrine. We're gonna drop you off now," he told them, tail twitching nervously.

   "Okay!" Eiko chirped.

   "Okay," Dagger whimpered.

---------------------------------------------------

   "Hey, guys, how you holding up?" Zidane asked Steiner and Vivi sympathetically.

Steiner glared at Zidane.

   "You pretend concern! If you were really concerned for our well-being, why are you sending us out with Bezo?"

   "Dude, someone's got to take him."

   "Why not Amarant and Freya?" 

   "They've got Yezo. Isn't that punishment enough?"

   "Why are you sending her with them?"

   "Well, she kind of insisted. Something about "they'll never realize their feelings if someone doesn't help them". What a weirdo," Zidane concluded with a sigh.

   "Well, then, why don't _you_ take Bezo?" Steiner demanded, crossing his arms amid much clanking.

   "Dude, I told you! Paper covers rock!"

Steiner was silent for a moment.

   "Best two out of three?" he suggested hopefully.

   "No way," Zidane said smugly. Then he frowned. "And anyway, I've got Quina. He may try to eat the Earth Guardian or something."

The two men had a hearty laugh at this.

   "What an absurd idea," Steiner finally managed to gasp out. "Thank-you, Zidane. I feel much better now."

   "Anytime, man," Zidane grinned. "Now, we're almost at the Wind Shrine, so you three get your things together, okay?"

   "I'll miss you, Yezo!" Bezo called tearfully. "If I die, don't let anyone touch my stuff!"

   "Okay!" she called back, just as tearfully, from two inches in front of him.

   "Ow," Vivi whimpered as the three were booted from the airship.

---------------------------------------------------

   "Why do I have to go with her?" Amarant growled to Zidane.

   "Yes, it is something of a hardship to be sent out with Yezo, isn't it?" Freya agreed sympathetically.

Amarant's frown deepened. 

   "Oh, right. I forgot about Yezo." He turned back to Zidane. "Why do I have to go with both of them? Why can't I just stay here and lean against things? I'm good at that. I have a degree!"

With that, he reached into his vest, pulled out a piece of paper, and held it out proudly for Zidane's inspection.

   "Wow," Zidane began, reading the document closely. "A Masters of Leaniology from the University of Treno."

   "It's fake," Yezo announced airily. "I found one in my Cracker Jacks box, just the other day."

   "I'll thank you to remember that _yours_ is merely a Bachelor's. Mine is a Master's. They come in a raffle. Next time we're in Treno, I want to pass by the auction house to try for the Doctorate," Amarant concluded.

   "Why do I get the feeling that I'm getting the worst of this?" Freya sighed.

   "'Cause you are," Zidane replied simply. 

She blinked.

   "Oh. I knew there was a reason."

   "Look, just…go kill the monsters hanging around the shrine. That'll help your tension. But don't accidentally kill one of them instead," Zidane finished, indicating Amarant and Yezo, who were still engaged in heated discussion over the quality of Treno's educational system.

   "Accidentally, you say?" Freya asked hopefully.

Zidane gave her a stern look.

   "Or purposefully."

She sighed dejectedly.

   "I swear, I never get to have any fun."

Yezo looked up at this point. 

   "You know, it's going to be hard to hook you two up if you keep trying to kill each other."

This caused Amarant, Freya, Zidane, and the various and sundry crew of the airship to stop dead and stare at her oddly. Even several birds flying past the airship stopped dead, and as a result immediately plummeted to their death, apparently forgetting that they could flap again. Quina continued to eat.

   "Hooking us up?" Amarant repeated. 

   "Um…uh…look over there!" Yezo exclaimed. "It's raining birds!"

   "Look, guys, we're here," Zidane interjected. "So get out there to the Water Shrine!"

As Amarant, Freya, and even Yezo stared at him, sensing something wrong with his words, the difference between water and fire finally occurred to Zidane, and he slumped forward in dismay.

   "Damnit!" 

   "Hey, we're not done yet!" Dagger called from the ground below as she and Eiko frantically fled a very angry and soggy Water Guardian.

   "We don't need your help!" Eiko added. "We're goddesses!" 

Zidane sighed heavily.

   "Okay, let's go. And this time, Erin, don't let Bob Vious drive!"

   "Quina will drive!" Quina suggested hopefully.

Zidane paused, the idea of Quina driving while simultaneously eating and giving someone a hearty "Wazzuuuuuuuuuuuuup!" on his cell phone an oddly chilling one.

   "Okay," he shrugged. "Go for it, Tongue-man."

   "Quina's gender never quite established," Quina informed him, starting up to the wheel.

Zidane grinned. 

   "Only one way to find out! Someone attack it and see if my Protect Girls kicks in!"

   "There are other ways to find out," Amarant reminded him. "Someone could look under its apron."

Zidane grimaced. 

   "We'll…we'll let Steiner do that when he gets back."

Amarant shook his head.

   "We send him off with Bezo, and then we do this? What the hell did he _do_?"

----------------------------------------------

   "Finally! We're here!" Zidane proclaimed, nearly weeping in relief that they had made it alive. Apparently, driving and eating, while talking on a cell phone, knitting a sweater, reading a novel, shaving, and playing hopscotch did not make for a very smooth ride, and more than once, the passengers of the Hilda Garde 3 had found themselves saying their prayers, certain that every moment would be their last. 

   "Let's never let Quina drive again, okay?" Yezo pleaded. "He brings back bad memories!"

   "Okay, we still don't know if Quina's a 'he' or a 'she'," Zidane reminded her.

   "Look, can we get going?" Amarant asked, annoyed. "Is it really important what the hell Quina is? Either way, it's not a great example of the species."

   "Oh, and I suppose you exemplify a shining example of masculinity," Freya said airily.

   "Yes, as a matter of fact, I do," he replied just as airily. "Hello! Dread-locks! Huge arms! And you know what they say about guys with huge arms."

   "They have complexes?" Freya suggested.

   "Yeah," Amarant agreed, then paused. "No!"

   "They're never going to hook up at this rate," Yezo sighed sadly to Zidane.

He glared.

   "Look, will you just go away?"

   "Why does everyone say that to me?" she wondered, her tail drooping sadly as she trotted after the still bickering Amarant and Freya. 

---------------------------------------------------

   "You know what?" Eiko managed amid gasps for air.

   "What?" Dagger asked, dodging a high-pressured blast of water.

   "I think we might need the guys after all."

   "Well, I have one guy who might be able to help us!" Dagger proclaimed. "Tzeublooky!"

Nothing.

   "Uh…Tzeublooky!"

Nothing.

   "Tzeublooky! Tzeublooky!"

Nothing.

   "Tzeublooky, damnit!"

   "Uh…Dagger?" Eiko asked timidly.

Dagger turned to the younger girl, smoke curling from her ears, eyes blazing furiously.

   "What?"

   "M-maybe we should call someone else?"

Dagger sniffled, beginning to turn yellow with rage. 

   "But I want my Odin!"

   "Well, I remember, the last time you talked to him, you weren't on the best of terms. Maybe he's still bitter and resentful. You know how Odin can get."

   "Helloooooooo," the Water Guardian called, getting slightly miffed. "Water Guardian over here! I'm glad you two are having this little 'conversation', but maybe you could put it on hold long enough to die!"

   "I don't think so," Dagger said smugly. "Mega Flare!"

The Water Guardian blinked. 

   "Huh?"

-----------------------------------------

Meanwhile, in Eidolon Land…

   "It's okay, Odin," Ramuh said soothingly. "I'm sure she didn't mean it."

   "I'm very insecure about my missing," he whined. "And if she thinks I'm just gonna go trotting down there after what she said to me-"

   "Bahamut's light's going off," Madeen called from the switchboard. "Someone hit him and see if he'll wake up."

   "Not my job," Ifrit called. 

   "You've got a bad attitude," Madeen informed him stonily. 

   "Oh, like I'm the only one," Ifrit scoffed. "'Hey, maybe Shiva can do it! Or maybe, she's all frigid!'"

   "Take that back, Ifrit," Shiva suggested pleasantly, waving an ice sculpture in the shape of a meat axe in front of his face threateningly.

   "Yes, Ma'am," he agreed contritely. 

   "Look, guys," Leviathan interjected. "I don't think there's any chance of waking Bahamut up this time. I've been dumping water on him for the last five minutes, and all it's done is make him soggy and kinda pruney. I think someone else better go down in his place."

   "Fine," Madeen grumbled, taking a "Mega-Flare-in-a-Can" from the shelf behind the bar. Stories were still told about the time some poor sap had been served one in place of a beer… "Hey, Carbuncle, wanna be Bahamut?!"

   "No! I'm finishin' my beer!

   "Sounds like Bahamut to me," Ramuh shrugged. 

   "Okay, Carbuncle, put on the hat."

   "Hey, guys, I'm Carbuncle! Check out my Bahamut-hat!" Carbuncle giggled.

   "You think it's funny to mock other people's pain?" Odin asked sharply.

   "Yeah," Carbuncle chirped, starting down to the human realm…and in completely the wrong direction.

----------------------------------------    

   "Okay, what is wrong with my Eidolons?!" Dagger exclaimed tearfully.

   "Sistah, let me show you how it's done," Eiko said, punctuating each syllable with a snap for some reason. "Ter-ra Ho-ming!"

The skies grew dark overhead, and Madeen descended, smacked the Water Guardian in the head, and then turned to the two girls. 

   "Hey, have either of you seen Carbuncle?"

----------------------------------------

   "Hey, guys," Bezo called to Steiner and Vivi as the three sailed down the path, helpless to stop. "This blows!" 

Steiner gritted his teeth, then came to a decision.

   "Vivi, Fire Sword."

Vivi blinked.

   "But…there's no enemy here!"

   "In your opinion, perhaps," Steiner scoffed, eyeing Bezo in disgust.

   "Oh," Vivi said, realization dawning on him.  

   "Hah!" Bezo laughed triumphantly. "Long have I waited for the group to turn on me! Now I can reveal my true Sephiroth powers!"

With that, Bezo struck a dramatic pose in mid-air, still being swept along by the wind, and waited for the skies to turn black in an ominous and cool sequence.

Not surprisingly, nothing happened, save more wind.

   "Uh…Sephiroth powers?" Bezo called. Then he cleared his throat and turned to Vivi and Steiner. "Ahem. Excuse me. SEPHIROTH POWERS, COME FORTH!"

It seemed that raising his voice wasn't exactly the way to encourage the missing Sephiroth powers to come forth.

Bezo checked his watch, then dropped the pose and grinned sheepishly at Steiner and Vivi.

   "Ahem. It seems to me that it would be best for me to continue to lull you into a false sense of security for the time being."

   "Excellent," Steiner said dryly. "Can we continue?"

   "Y-yeah," Vivi agreed, staring at something in front of them. "There's the mirror!"

   "Wunderbar!" Steiner exclaimed. "Vivi, stay back here where it's safe. Bezo, stay back here where you won't be in the way. I am going to get that mirror!"

   "I-I think it's a trap," Vivi said forebodingly. 

   "Wouldn't that just be a pain!" Steiner laughed, reaching for the mirror. "Who would be that cruel? That sadistic? That bored? Honestly, who has that kind of time and money? And attention span?"

Thus saying, Steiner lifted the mirror from the stand.

Naturally, the ground began to rumble and the wind died away immediately. Next, the ceiling opened up and the Wind Guardian dropped through.

   "Who indeed, Steiner?" the Wind Guardian chuckled, sounding suspiciously like Megabyte. "Who, indeed?"

   "Sweet! It's Tony Jay!"

The Wind Guardian grinned, hardly ill-pleased by this.

   "You've heard of me?"

   "Have I heard of the legendary Tony Jay!" Bezo laughed. "You're an inspiration to me."

   "I-I think Bezo finally has a use," Vivi commented in wonder as the two began to tiptoe away.

   "No!" Steiner insisted. "I refuse to admit that it is so!"

   "Tony, because of you, I have a dream that one day, I'll be a bass with a cool voice!" Bezo gushed, eyes wide and shiny.

   "Well, make sure you study hard, so you have something to fall back on, just in case. It's a hard business," the Wind Guardian informed the three warriors seriously. 

   "Can I have your autograph?" Bezo asked, snatching the mirror away from Steiner. "Here! Sign this mirror!" 

   "Of course, of course," the Wind Guardian laughed, whipping out a pen. "Now, you all have a good time. And be sure you come back and visit and let me know how you're doing, Bezo." 

   "Yessir!" Bezo chirped happily. "Let's go, guys!"

   "Uh...okay," Steiner agreed bewilderedly, wondering if anything could actually be this easy.

   "Heh-heh-heh…crazy kids," the Wind Guardian reflected, shaking his head fondly. "I was once a kid with a dream, and I wish that someone had said to me what I said to him. Now, where is that mirror? Hey, wait a second..."

-------------------------------------------------


	15. Whatever

Chapter 15 – Whatever

   "This sucks," Amarant grumbled for the fourth time since they had entered the Fire Shrine…three minutes ago. "It's hot, it's humid, everything's too hot to lean against, I'm tired, my dreadlocks are wilting, and worst of all, I'm stuck with you!"

   "Oh, thank-you," Freya said resentfully. "Hmph!"

   "I didn't mean you," he told her, annoyed. "I meant that cat-girl thing. And you." 

Freya glanced around with a frown, choosing wisely to ignore the second part of his statement. 

   "So, where _is_ that 'cat-girl thing'?" 

Amarant shrugged.

   "I don't know. Maybe she died or something. Or worse…maybe she didn't."

   "Oh, come on!" Freya exclaimed. "Is she really that bad?"

Amarant came to a dead stop.

   "Did you forget to sleep last night, or something? Is she ever _not_ that bad? She bounces around, and giggles, and sings show tunes, and chases bunnies. And if that weren't enough, she keeps telling me what a cute couple we'd make!"

   "Oh, the cardinal sin, I suppose," Freya said resentfully.

Amarant presumably blinked. Only he knew for certain...

   "No, that's not what I meant. Well, it's not entirely what I meant."

   "Oh, never mind! Let's just find her and get out of here."

----------------------------------

   "Darn," Yezo sighed from her vantage point behind a rock on which sat a strange-looking shiny thing. "Leaving them alone to create a romantic atmosphere isn't working."

She pulled out her Handy-Dandy Notebook, promptly got sued by a guy named Steve and his dog named Blue, and crossed out Number 1 of her How To Create Romance List: Time Alone. "Funny; it always works in my stories. Alright; what's Step 2? Hmm…flowers and candy. I think I'll save that one. Step 3: Common Interests! Well…they both like leaning against things. No, that's just him. They both like jumping! No, wait, that's just her. Hmm…they both hate me!"

For a brief moment, a huge, hugely cheesy grin stretched across her face. Then it wilted gradually. 

   "That's not very nice!"

She stood up, stretched, and picked up the mirror on the platform. Huge green eyes, cute button nose, lotsa long, wavy, kinda brownish hair, cute perky ears…

   "How could anyone hate this?" she wondered out loud. Faintly, she noticed that the ground had begun to rumble ominously. She assumed that it was because she hadn't eaten yet today.

   "How, indeed, Yezo?" an ominous feminine voice said, which she assumed was her inner monologue. Yezo wasn't the brightest of cat-girls, even assuming that the average cat-girl has an intelligence somewhere between a butterfly and a Cuisinart. "How, indeed?"

-----------------------------------

   "No, you're stupid," Amarant said.

   "No, you're stupid!" Freya countered, reflecting smugly that this was an excellent argument. No possible way for him to counter this!

   "No, YOU'RE stupid!" 

She frowned. Apparently, her argument hadn't been quite so solid as she thought. Never mind. Time for a new tactic!  
   "You're a big meanie!"

_Just when I thought we couldn't get any more out of character,_ Amarant reflected, searching in the back of his mind for the perfect rebuttal.

   "Yeah? Well…you smell funny!"

Freya glared at him in outrage, then stopped and blinked.

   "Amarant…what in the hell are we talking about?"

   "I lost track at the fifteenth "no, you're stupid"," he admitted with a smirk.

   "No, YOU'RE stupid!" she exclaimed. The knee-jerk reaction was an ugly thing…

He glared at her.

   "You always have to have the last word, don't you? Now, can we please get back to the important issue?"

   "Why Yezo's stupid?" Freya suggested, confused. 

   "No," Amarant replied. "Where the mirror is and whether or not it's guarded."

   "And what happened to Yezo," Freya added.

   "Sure, if you want," Amarant said with a shrug. "And by the way," he added under his breath, "you're stupid."

   "What was that?" she asked sharply.

   "Nothing," he said innocently.

   "Oh, bugger," she sighed, eyes fixed on something up ahead.

Amarant followed her gaze, and then made a noise of disgust at the sight of Yezo, seated on the ground, gazing tearfully at the strange-looking purple…thingy looming over her.

   "What in the hell is that?" he asked wearily.

   "It's me! Yezo!" Yezo informed him cheerfully.

   "Turn around," he told her. "Slowly."

   "Are you trying to look at my butt?" she asked suspiciously.

He grit his teeth.

   "Turn around quickly, and then turn back. I'll cover my eyes. With hair. Oh, look, I'm already on top of that."

Yezo turned accordingly.

   "Hmm," she said. "Very curious. It's a big flamin' purple thingy!"

   "I've been described more eloquently," the Fire Guardian said, somewhat hurt.

   "Never mind that!" Freya exclaimed. "Amarant, Yezo obviously can't do a thing for herself, so we'd best take care of that thing before she gets hurt."

   "We don't have to rush," Amarant pointed out. "You know, two birds, one stone?"

Yezo sniffled. Did everyone really hate her that much? Of course they did! Hadn't she always known that the whole wide world was out to get her! With that, a dam broke and tear jets erupted from the corners of her eyes.

   "Hey! Hey! Fire Guardian over here! Careful!" the Fire Guardian protested, wincing as this hissing sound of fire being extinguished filled the cavern.

This protest produced no result, save for the tear jets increasing in water pressure.

   "I can't help it!" Yezo wailed. "Everybody hates me, none of the cute fwuffy wittle aminals here will let me cuddle them, Bezo likes Sephiroth better than me, and worst of all, there are no Slurpees in this world! I WANT A SLURPEE!"

   "Oh, this is embarrassing," the Fire Guardian reflected as she ceased to be.

   "No! This is not happening," Amarant insisted, watching the scene in horror. "There's no way that idiot took down the strongest thing we've faced yet!"

   "Well, actually-" Freya began, choking on some very ill timed laughter.

   "Shut up!" he bellowed at her before running to the remains of the Fire Guardian. "Wake up! Damnit, wake up so we can kill you properly! Anyone got a match?" 

   "Hold on," Freya requested. "Let me cast a fire spell. Oh, wait, I'm not Vivi. Oh, well. Let me summon Ifrit. Oh, hold on, I'm not Dagger. Well! I guess we're stuck. Now, shall we take the mirror and get out of here."

   "Hold on," Amarant called after her as she departed, the sobbing Yezo in tow. "What about my honour?" 

   "Forget your honour," Freya called after him inexorably. "Just take the mirror."

   "This sucks," Amarant muttered, reaching for the mirror. "I either have to accept that Yezo is a cunning warrior, or that the Fire Guardian was too weak to bother with. Ah! That's how I'll choose to view this situation! Obvious, the Fire Guardian was a pansy. Just like Kuja."

----------------------------------------------

   "Here we are in the Earth Shrine!" Zidane announced proudly as the two walked down the stairs into a lower level of the ship.

   "Uh, no, you're not," Ensign Crew Member said, scratching his head. "You're in a lower level of the ship! Read the narration!" 

   "Oh, crap," Zidane sighed. "Come on, Quina." 

   "Wait," Quina called back. "Quina getting a snack for the road!"

   "No time for a snack," Zidane said sternly. "Let's get outta here before _someone_ breaks the fourth wall again."

   "What?" Ensign Crew Member shrugged as Zidane marched purposefully from the ship, forgetting that they hadn't landed yet.

   "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!" he noted curiously.

------------------------------------------------

   "Well, good thing I landed on Quina," Zidane said cheerfully forty-five seconds later, just outside the Earth Shrine.

   "Yeah. Good thing," Quina agreed sarcastically, rubbing his sore belly. "All that falling made Quina hungry."

   "Is there anything that doesn't make you hungry?"

   "Food."

   "Uh…right. Look, let's just go in, okay?"

   "Is there food inside?" Quina asked hopefully.

   "Yeah," Zidane replied sarcastically. "I'm sure there's a hotdog stand right next to the altar."

   "Quina not want hotdogs," the Qu pouted.

Zidane, with an annoyed sort of grunt, which he had perfected after carefully observing Amarant, turned on his heel and entered the shrine, deciding that, even if they got separated, it wouldn't be that much of a loss.

   "Zidane, you're turning into Squall," the narration warned nervously.

   "Whatever," Zidane said indifferently, looking for a leather jacket trimmed with fur, regardless of how gay it may have looked.

----------------------------------------------

   "Where the hotdog stand?" Quina asked reproachfully as the two leapt free of the many traps laid throughout the shrine.

   "There was no hotdog stand," Zidane replied through gritted teeth. "Ow, by the way."

   "Zidane lied…"

   "Whatever," Zidane shrugged. Then, as something caught his eye, he squealed giddily and ran to the side of the path. "Hey, I think I found one!"

   "One what? Better be food."

   "A leather jacket trimmed with fur! Sweet! I'll look hot now!"

   "Quina eat?" Quina asked hopefully.

   "No way, Quina! This is my sexy chick-magnet jacket! Get your own!"

   "Quina not care about chicks! Quina want food! Quina only care about chicks that come in extra-crispy bucket!"

   "Alexandria Fried Choco!" a random guy wandering past in a white apron and chef hat. "We do Chocobo right!"

   "Quina hallucinating," Quina whimpered. "Losing mind from hunger…"

   "Quina, we'll eat when we get back to the ship! What's your damn hurry?"

   "QUINA HUNGRY!"

A pause. Then…

   "Whatever," Zidane shrugged, starting into the next room.

Quina's eyes narrowed to omlettes. 

   "Whatever, indeed, Zidane," he hissed, following the leather-clad youth. "Whatever, indeed."

-----------------------------------------------

   "Hey, sweet, it's the mirror!" Zidane exclaimed excitedly, bouncing up to the altar. Then he came to an abrupt halt and continued up at a slow saunter. "I mean, whatever."

   "Hey," a voice from the upper left corner of the room said. "Don't take that."

   "Says who?" Zidane demanded, crossing his arms and shifting his weight apathetically to one foot.

   "The Earth Guardian, you idiot," said a big scary skeleton-lookin' dude as he emerged from the shadows. "We're in the Earth Shrine, after all. Don't you people do any research? God…read a book."

   "Whoa!" Zidane exclaimed as he noticed something. "Nice jacket!"

The Earth Guardian gazed consideringly down at his black leather jacket trimmed with fur.

   "Whatever."

   "That is so cool!" Zidane gushed. "You've gotta teach me now to do it like that!"

   "Whatever."

   "How do you exude so much indifference?" the boy asked, clasping his hands, eyes growing wide and shiny.

   "Simple," the Earth Guardian replied. "I don't care. Look, take the mirror, go, just let me get back to my show."

   "Whatever," Zidane giggled, stepping forward.

The Earth Guardian sighed, annoyed. 

   "No, you've got it wrong. It's like this." He cleared his throat. "Whatever."

   "What…ever?" Zidane tried.

   "No, no, no! Whatever."

   "Whatever…"

   "Add a dismissing gesture. Like a wave. As such: whatever," the Earth Guardian said, dismissing them with a wave.

   "Whatever," Zidane said enthusiastically, waving just as enthusiastically at the Earth Guardian as he stepped forward to get the mirror.

At this point, Quina's mind, hanging on by a thin thread that was the hope of a hotdog stand, snapped altogether. 

   "QUINA EAT!" he howled, making a mad rush for Zidane.

   "Whatever!" Zidane whimpered in fear, grabbing the Earth Guardian by the back of the coat and cowering behind him.

   "Figures," the Earth Guardian shrugged just before the hunger-addled Qu reached him and he ceased to be.

   "Whoa, good job, Quina!" Zidane congratulated him heartily.

After the meal, Quina snatched up Zidane's coat and devoured it.

   "Whatever."


End file.
